Obsessed or in love or just another BPD moment?

Hi all,

I'm new here - my first post. I've been a lurker for a while and have found comfort in reading many posts that I can relate too. I was diagnosed many years ago (about 12 yrs ago) and in hindsight know that I was displaying symptoms of BPD for many years before that. When I was in high school/university, there were no BPD forums or message boards. In fact, there was on internet (yes, I am that old!). Anyway - my point is that after a decade or two of feeling like the only person in the world with this crap in my head, the internet has finally allowed me to find solace in the company (misery?? ) of others.

So - on to the main show... love, obsession, infatuation...

This is what I do - I meet someone and fall in love. They don't know I've fallen in love with them of course - that would be far too simple. They think of me as a friend, colleague, neighbour, whatever. They don't know that I've decided they're the one for me.

Then I can't stop thinking about them. I wake up thinking about them. I fall asleep thinking about them. I wonder what they're doing when I'm not with them. I want them; I'm convinced I should be with them and that they should be with me.

My most recent 'love' is the strongest one yet - and it feels most like love, rather than infatuation. All others in the past feel like crushes, puppy love.

But how am I supposed to know if what I feel is even real? Never mind whether my feelings are returned or not - they may be, they may not be. But I can barely identify and understand my emotions at the best of time and even less so when they're so intense.

I'm not sure if I'm asking a question or just ranting. It feels damn good to admit out loud that I'm in love with her, even though none of you know me or know her. I just wish I knew if all of this is just my brain misfiring as it always does, or if I genuinely love her. She really is very lovable, by the way - it would hardly be inconceivable for someone to fall in love with her. It would be fairly inconceivable for her to reciprocate those feelings though.

Anyway - again - not sure if I'm asking a question or not. Maybe this is just my way of saying "hi, I'm here, I'm fairly nuts, nice to meet you". Either way - hi!

By the way - my username - it's something she said to me once - "I just LOVE your name!". Yeah, that made my heart go pitter patter.... so I shall obsessively cling to that one statement for a while.

I've fallen in love with people a lot. People from work. People I see on the train. People who smile at me. Madly, obsessively in love...

...and then, usually, I hate them. And then love them still.

I think, probably a BPD thing. For me, anyway.

I recently had this problem... I even let something develop, despite knowing that the attraction was superficial, that it couldn't go anywhere... especially since I'm married. He was wrong for me in every way too, but I put him up on a pedestal regardless. I just wanted to feel what it would be like... to live in a fantasy. I kept telling myself, "one more day" and then I'd end it. I did, finally... I chased him off, which, of course... was easy for me. I only had to tell the truth. It was still devastating, as if it were real... I loathe him, and I desperately want to see him again. Ugh.

Anyway, I would try to examine what you're feeling for this person... do you like her based on anything you actually know of her? These intense feelings can be so misleading... I would for sure take your time.

I think it's almost certainly a BPD trait. Falling in love's like aerobics for me; I do it daily. I think that, as much as actually loving someone, we love love. We love being in love; it's almost an addiction for us. Even if the other person doesn't reciprocate that love, it's still love from where we stand!

I can fall "in love" intensely easily, and out again just as quickly. My rational mind thankfully works separately to my emotional mind (i think of them as two different spheres) so when I get extremely emotionally involved with somebody, I can rationally see that it's bpd behaviour... does that make sense?

littlecat wrote:I can fall "in love" intensely easily, and out again just as quickly. My rational mind thankfully works separately to my emotional mind (i think of them as two different spheres) so when I get extremely emotionally involved with somebody, I can rationally see that it's bpd behaviour... does that make sense?

I know exactly what you mean. Half of the time, I find I'm like watching myself in a rerun on television. I know what I'm about to do, and I know that it's probably not a wise idea, but no matter how much I yell at the lead character (me), I just can't seem to stop me from doing it anyway.

....Do you think that a relationship can ever last with a person who has BPD, long term that is?
I get really scared, when making plans for the future with someone, because all of my relationships have been tumultuous at best, and crazy-dramatic, I love and hate like a rollercoaster....and wonder if loving someone can even be possible for me at this point. Can love with a person who has BPD be possible? I push and pull my partner and watch myself do it...it's terrible...and I don't know how long anyone would be able to handle that before they get sick and take off.

I am begging him to be close and pushing him away all at the same time. Testing how much he loves me by telling him to leave me---I fear that I am incapable of real love--real love isn't jealous and fearful like this is it?

Fern123 ---- If you have a question please start a thread. It's not fair to the original poster to have his question go in a direction not intended....

But how am I supposed to know if what I feel is even real? Never mind whether my feelings are returned or not - they may be, they may not be. But I can barely identify and understand my emotions at the best of time and even less so when they're so intense.

It’s not real!! You relate her to this process of yours… I meet someone --> fall in love --> they think of you as whatever --> you constantly obsess about them --> My most recent love is the strongest one yet, the rest seem like puppy love. That’s the extent of what we know about her or your involvement with her.

I just wish I knew if all of this is just my brain misfiring as it always does, or if I genuinely love her.

From what you wrote your brain is misfiring again.

She really is very lovable, by the way - it would hardly be inconceivable for someone to fall in love with her. It would be fairly inconceivable for her to reciprocate those feelings though.

It sounds to me as if you met someone you find to be very attractive, with a nice personality, and is genuinely someone you’d like to get to know better, and I do hope that you get that opportunity.

I've done this too!!!

Thanks all for the replies! Glad to know I'm not the only one on this roller coaster!

I've been living with BPD for a very long time so I've become quite adept at identifying when I'm doing or feeling something 'real' vs having a BPD moment. Which doesn't mean I can actually stop myself from having those many, many BPD moments, but at least I recognize them when I see them.

This time is a little harder. She is someone I know well, so it's not one of the fleeting "barely know them but love them deeply" things (and yes, I too have had many of those). She also knows about my BPD, and didn't so much as flinch when I told her (she gets big points for that!).

So I think maybe it's both - a genuine connection that could (theoretically) be something more, combined with the obsessive "i need her, love her, hate her, have to never see her again, have to see her always" BPD. But then, even if it is a genuine connection, I'm pretty sure I'd mess up any relationship I tried to have with her (or anyone, for that matter).

I don't do the "fall in love" roller coaster as much as I used to anymore. If it's any consolation to the younger ones on the board (I'm 42, have been symptomatic for about 30 yrs), that part did seem to even out with me a bit. Or at least I've gotten much better at recognizing when I'm doing it and diverting things before I become too wrapped up in it.

If you think it is more than just a superficial obsession, then maybe you should try to pursue it... ?

[quote="cboxpalace"]Fern123 ---- If you have a question please start a thread. It's not fair to the original poster to have his question go in a direction not intended....


My apologies!!!