Checking our Motives!!!

I thought I'd take the time to post this, because it has been helpful for me and maybe it will be helpful for someone else. While I haven't found everything in dbt to be practical in my life, it has made me more self aware with my motives. I'm a typical person with bpd that wants to be liked and/or loved. I've discovered within myself that at times when I do things for others it's not only to be nice, but it's EXPECTING they'll do the same or something similar for me. I do it because I want to be liked and loved. The behavior of expecting someone to do a similar act can be self defeating, because if they don't we're letdow or angry or whatever. My example is VERY VERY simplistic, but hopefully it will convey the point.

My friend had a birthday in January, and I made it a priority to get her a card and to acknowledge her birthday. This is all good..BUT there was also a motivation factor involved . She would do the same thing for me when it was my birthday in February.. That thought process is self defeating, because if she doesn't do it for me, then I'm going to be letdown. My mind will start telling me that she doesn't like me. I've begun the process of noticing this behavior in me and question my motives before acting. The question I asked myself was...Can I get her a card and acknowledge her birthday and expect nothing in return, and if she doesn't get me a card it DOESN"T mean she doesn't like me, it may just mean she forgot. For me the answer was yes, and I acknowledged her birthday. As it turned out mine wasn't . I was ok with that. I wasn't letdown, because my motives were pure. If I had answered no to my question then I would've tried to change my thought process or not go out of my way to remember her birthday.

My example is very simple, but it serves the point, which is sometimes we do things for others because we want them to reciprocate whatever that kindness is, that we're expecting. We want to be liked, we want to be loved, and when we do things for the wrong reasons it can lead to being letdown and hurt. It's relevent because I've begun to notice this process of mine more and more, and I'm now able to make changes so I'm not letdown, disappointed or depressed.

cbox;

High five!!

yes.. doing things for others just because we want to is something not everyone can do.
I try to, why? because it makes me feel good, and makes me happy to see others happy. it is a very selfless act. I just need to remember (as a co-dependant) not to take it too extremes.

Cbox-


I'm so glad that you brought up this topic - because this is something I feel that I've spent a lifetime doing. Not that I had "bad" motives, but I always hoped if I did something for someone, then that OF COURSE they would do it for me. And then, like you said, setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

I had to learn hard lessons in being able to see the limitations in others, and that even though you could be the best person someone ever knew, they may not be capable of doing the same for us. And expecting and hoping for it is a fallacy that only lets us down. It's not that they meant to hurt us - they just couldn't give us what we'd hoped they would.

I'm learning with my therapist currently to give myself the things that I'm looking for from others, so that I'm less dependent on another's attention or compliments, and more self-assured in my own thoughts.

Thank you - VERY MUCH - for bringing such an important topic to life on here. I hope others can get something out of your post the way that I have.

<3

AMP