Everyone Thinks I Have the PERFECT life.What a Joke

My husband encouraged me to join a BPD support group.
My story is so long, and complicated I don't know where to start, what to leave out or where to end.

Brief Synopsis I s'pose

1998 Married my 3rd and current husband.
Adopted his birth daughter (5 yrs old) Her birth mom died.

1998-2000
Transition period with marriage and being a mom (I am unable to have my own children, so this was a blessing)

Assumed new role as co-owner/Office manager for our company.

VERY busy, and it didn't help that my TypeAAA personality had me starting to literally go crazy, I just didn't know it yet.

2005
Flew home from what was supposed to be a wonderful family vacation at Disney, turned out it was Horrible! My daughter was 13, and a typical bratty teenager. I had learned a couple weeks earlier that she had already lost her virginity. When I talked with her about this she said she wanted her first time to be with someone she didn't love because she didn't want to get hurt. Much more about my daughter.....Anyway, she Wouldn't hang out with us, stayed in her room, made me furious and sad at the same time, Still I had my happy face on.

After drinking several beverages on the flight home, admittedly was drunk, my demons got the best of me.
My daughter didn't even offer to carry up one bag of luggage, which of course angered me. When I went upstairs I confronted her and she basically blew me off. Things escalated to the point where I , for the first and last time, slapped her in the face. She screamed, I hollared, and Dad got her downstairs and they both left out the front door.

They LEFT me. I now understand why I did what I did next...

I had previously been dx with depression, and anxiety, so I had my pills in my luggage, along with my husbands pain medication.
4 almost full bottles total. I really don't remember much about this part, but evidently I emptied all 4 bottles into my stomach, and don't remember calling a friend of mine, who called 911, then my hubby. Then next thing I remember was waking up in ICU 3 days later. I had been on a ventilator...

Next came pscyh visits, and blah blah blah

2006
Another attempted suicide, this one I remember because after I swallowed the pills I told my husband who brought me to the hospital.

MORE pschy visits.

2007
More pills swallowed, this time I wouldn't let my hubby bring me in and for 2 days I spent being unsteady on my feet, and feeling like crap.

2009
Moved out of my house for 4 months. During this time my mom was dx with cancer , stage 4.
Gambled a lot at the casino during this time.
Had unsafe sex on 2 occasions.
Moved back home to a very worried, yet weary husband.

2010
Feb. Mom completed chemo. Took her to Vegas.
April Dad unexpectedly had a heart attack in the sauna and died. I'm still heartbroken over this, crying as I type.

2011
Feb Moved out again.
Spent 6 months being reckless
Gambling, drinking, unsafe sex with 5 guys.
My husband is begging for me to come back. He wouldn't have had he known what Id been doing.

July
Got extremely drunk at the casino, lost $700 I didn't have, disgusted, lost, loathed myself I once again decided to end it. Drove 2 miles and stopped at the top of the bridge over the large lake at our city, Stopped the car. Wanted to jump. I couldn't do it.
I drove right to the ER and had myself admitted (again) to the psych ward.
This time neither my hubby or sister came to get me. They quit. I don't blame them.

More psych visits...blah blah blah




October 2011
Hubby visits me at my apartment.
Crying, begging for me to come back and I refuse, being a defiant ***** as usual to him.
As he leaves he places a handout on the table and leaves.
In his handwriting it says PLEASE read this is if you were me"
It was a printout on living with someone who has BPD.
It was unbelievable. It was me they were talking about in that article.
I meet 5 of the 7 "qualifications"

Talking with my husband, I asked him why he thought of BPD?
He said that in 2008 one of the staff in psych mentioned BPD as a dx. Hearing the word Borderline he thought it wasn't important..

HERE'S THE DEAL
WHY THE HELL IN 3 YEARS OF THERAPY had NO ONE EVER told me this? No psych docs....not even my therapist who I had been seeing the whole time???

I was LIVID and made an appt to see my therapist. She CLAIMS she mentioned it on our first meeting. The only thing she had me research was depression.

I since have purchased every BPD book in my city and online.

But I'm still lost.


Nov. 2011 Moved back in, 18 yr old daughter moves out. Tension in the house is much, much better. However I'm so sad that she basically has disowned me since 2008. The last year refered to me as "Psycho *****" Quit calling me mom and 2009, quit talking to me beginning of 2011. Another thing I've screwed up

Feb 2, 2012
Playing darts one a week at a local joint.
Drank way too much. Am late for home so I was speeding to get home.
It was 11:00 when I left..
I didn't get home till after 1AM

Again, don't remember this, but evidently the cops said I was going at least 80 in a 55..
I hit a bump, over-corrected my car and when I woke up, I was upside down in it. Cold, alone, broken shoulder and collarbone. No one driving by our road at this time of nite, after what I figure to be an hours stuck in the car, I pulled myself out thru the broken window, and crawled thru the trees to the road, No cars, struggle to 3 different houses, screaming crying, pounding on doors, no one answers.
Thank god I finally hear a car go by , I wave them down, they take me home to my husband...

VALENTINES DAY
After almost 2 weeks of recovery, I have an xray (Why they didn't do it in the ER beats me. They only did CT scans of my whole body)
my collarbone is severely broken along with my shoulder in 2 places.
I had surgery immediately.

TODAY
I sit here finally reaching out.

I loathe myself ,
I have a wonderful husband who I've put thru hell, I think he's finally had it with me. 2 days ago he said he wants his name back. In typical fashion we haven't talked about it. He did text me and said "I will love you forever, but I no longer can live with the liabilities . What the hell does that mean???
I've been having to sit on my *** in a Percoset induced pain free "coma", all day, he comes home from working his *** off 7 days a week, to his worthless f@cking wife.
I haven't taken a pain med for over 14 hours. I wan't to be clear headed as today is the day I need to start getting my crap together and save my life.

I'm just so f@cking lost.

I did write in my journal today for the first time in months.
Here's what I wrote:

Days seem to just be the same one after another.

PAIN from my surgery...my fault, reckless

DISGUSTING SMOKING....my doing. Reckless I put a patch on this am....

LOSING MY BUSINESS...my fault. I dread going there. I am better enough to work there a few days a week, just half a day. All my regulars are so happy to see me....I just feel like such a loser. Such a failure.

I'm a lost soul
DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH...my problem, my responsibility. So easy to not have to face things....

I MISS MY DAD!!

So un-f@ck-ing fair.
He never even got to hold his great granddaughter born in February.
I want him back so much,
I want his vibrant being, back, his cute smile, even his well-intended criticism.
I want a big hug from him.
I want to hear him say "I love you"

How I'm feeling at this moment:
sad worthless lonely hopeless worried confused angry ashamed unloved concerned scared disgust fake
I feel like a loser.

END OF MY JOURNAL

That's all I can say right now....i have a huge headache.

I am so, so glad that you found us here. I believe that in reading the story of your journey, that there is much comfort, support, and advice that we can provide you with here. If you've read others' posts, Im sure you see that we all do our best to lend an ear, and any encouragement that we're able to.


I'm reaching out a hand to you, and if I could, I would hug you for your pain, your troubles, and your feelings of loss and self-hate.

Many of us have been in the struggle of journey into recovery, and maybe yours can start its baby steps here. You've found a great support source in those of us here.

Just knowing about BPD can be enough to start unlocking the doors. And this is a wonderful thing you've chosen to do: to reach out to others who understand.


Welcome- we're really glad you found us.

<3 **hugs**


AMP