Newbie here - need help!

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new here so I have no idea if I'm posting in the right section.

I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago (when I was 18) and since then have been working consistently on improving through medication and CBT (also looking for DBT at the moment). I've managed to eliminate most of my symptoms and I feel better than before, but something has come up and I'm not sure what to make of it.

For the last week I have found myself wanting to cut ALL contact with my friends - no emails, no texts,...nothing. I want to disappear. I don't know why I feel this way... maybe it's a fear of abandonment? Maybe I'm just being reckless? Maybe I'm self-sabotaging my relationships? All I know is, however horrible this makes me sound, I want them to wonder where I've gone. I want them to worry. I want them to miss me.

I know that sounds really messed up - I'm completely aware that I'm coming off as a selfish person right now - and I agree that I am acting very childish at the moment.

So today I cut contact and I haven't spoken to anybody. I have social anxiety, so I don't really have any friends where I live, but I was part of a support forum where I'm in regular contact with a few members. I've stopped replying. I've also stopped replying to any real friends I knew in real life who are now overseas.

It's been hard to keep away but I found myself meditating which I haven't done in a while. I guess I just had more free time.

I just want to know why I'm doing this... is this a BPD symptom re-emerging? Trying to take a break sounds like a logical answer, but considering the fact that I want them to worry, I don't know if this is more for ego or more for my health.

I'm sorry for the long post but I'd really appreciate any input you might have. I really don't want to fall back into the spiral I was once in. I lost all of my friends this way, and I think, in a way, I might be trying to cut contact to protect them from the monster inside of me. Or protect myself?

Thanks guys, I really appreciate any help.

Hi!

First off, congratulations on making it so far in your recovery. I know it's not easy.

It could be testing behaviour? I know I do this a lot. Has something happened in your life recently that could have triggered this off?

Or as you say, maybe because you have been in therapy for so long and been making huge changes, you are becoming more and more aware of your behaviour, and trying to 'protect' others from the way you are.
I am in recovery, and I've had a lot of extreme thoughts. I was so horrified by what I found in myself, I wanted to shut everyone out. I also overcompensated for the things I'd done in the past. I wasn't self-aware back then, but now I am terrified of hurting people.

Does any of this make sense?

Also please try not to judge yourself on acting 'childish' and 'selfish'. These are maladaptive coping mechanisms, that are hard to break.

I too have lost a lot of friends because of the way I was, and I'm always expecting it to happen again. So, I push before I am pushed.
It's hard to break old habits.

Hi, R91; welcome to the nuthouse!

Lily's right; be happy with how well you're doing in your recovery, and try not to go too hard on yourself for the "childish" and "selfish" behaviour. I think Lily may be spot on in that it's testing behaviour. A BPD's goal in life is to be loved. Being loved is being wanted. Since people want what they don't have, getting away from people, especially friends, is a way to make them want you even more. Then, when you do see them again, they're happy to see you, and you feel validated. That's just my theory, though.

Lily82 wrote:Hi!

First off, congratulations on making it so far in your recovery. I know it's not easy.

It could be testing behaviour? I know I do this a lot. Has something happened in your life recently that could have triggered this off?

Or as you say, maybe because you have been in therapy for so long and been making huge changes, you are becoming more and more aware of your behaviour, and trying to 'protect' others from the way you are.
I am in recovery, and I've had a lot of extreme thoughts. I was so horrified by what I found in myself, I wanted to shut everyone out. I also overcompensated for the things I'd done in the past. I wasn't self-aware back then, but now I am terrified of hurting people.

Does any of this make sense?

Also please try not to judge yourself on acting 'childish' and 'selfish'. These are maladaptive coping mechanisms, that are hard to break.

I too have lost a lot of friends because of the way I was, and I'm always expecting it to happen again. So, I push before I am pushed.
It's hard to break old habits.

Thank you so, so much for your response.

I have 5 sessions left of CBT until I have to leave/my therapist leaves me, and then it's over... do you think that could have anything to do with it? I thought I was handling it okay but maybe something is going on at a deeper level.

Yes I agree about being more aware in my recovery. My last homework for CBT was to write a list of pros/cons for friendship (due to SA) and most of the cons were about how messed up I am and how I don't want to hurt anybody, or how they would eventually leave me once they realised who I was inside.

I'm having trouble separating the BPD label from myself but this was never an issue before.

I'm sorry to hear you have lost friends this way as well.

-- Sun Mar 18, 2012 2:01 am --

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Hi, R91; welcome to the nuthouse!

Lily's right; be happy with how well you're doing in your recovery, and try not to go too hard on yourself for the "childish" and "selfish" behaviour. I think Lily may be spot on in that it's testing behaviour. A BPD's goal in life is to be loved. Being loved is being wanted. Since people want what they don't have, getting away from people, especially friends, is a way to make them want you even more. Then, when you do see them again, they're happy to see you, and you feel validated. That's just my theory, though.

Haha thank you JohnnyBlaze!

I think you and Lily are completely right with what you've said - especially about wanting to feel validated, because I only want to disappear for a week. Nothing more and nothing less... I suppose I want them to miss me "just enough" until I reappear so they are happy to see me.

I read a bit about self aggrandizement but I'm not sure if this applies.

Thank you for your response - I was freaking out last night that no one would relate/talk to me/think I was weird haha.