Blaming Yourself

Among my circle of friends here on the forum there have been some devestating developments lately. I was speaking with one member going through the toughest thing she'e ever had to face in life and she said something.

I had earlier shared my touble with her (I have been diagnosed with a serious medical problem. Thursday I find out what treatment options I have. Nothing will cure it but there may be ways to delay the eventual end, at least for a short time). Another friend of hers is also facing trying circumstances and she said she felt this is all her fault.

I immediately pointed out how silly it was for her to feel she had such power over things.

But then another member shared about serious things happening to her as well and I find myself thinking the same way. That somehow this is my fault. Like I'm some jinx or curse upon those who befriend me. This is not new, I've felt this way before in my life.

I know it's ridiculous but knowing a feeling is wrong and stopping it are two seperate things.

Anyway, I'm curious. Do any of you do this to yourself?

Just wondering.

Placing blame can shift for me ... but i do blame myself for so much and i have every reason to at the end of the day. But one of my friends tells me to stop blaming myself when it comes to guys which annoys me because she doesn't see it like I do... when i have done something wrong to upset them or drive them away.

I can relate to this. Every one I have ever got close too has died or became ill. I try to keep my distance because I think I'm a curse. My daughter says I jinx everything.

Hey Iwoya,

Firstly I'm really sorry to hear your sad news...sounds like you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness and that must be truly scary.

As for blame, it's definitely not fair to blame ourselves for the people around us who are suffering. I have been quite distressed when I've found that many of my friends and family are having bad things happening to them and you do start asking, "Why is this happening to all the people I care about??" When bad things happen to you it sucks big time. But we can sit and feel sorry for ourselves and do whatever we know how to...when it's someone else we just want to fix it and make them feel better.

I feel like the most logical explanation is that perhaps we just attract negative energy because of all the negative energy stored in us...? So perhaps we attract the same kind of people to us, the kind who also have the tendency to be negative and attract negativity to them. I have found that few of the people I've become good friends with have had very positive states of mind and the rest usually expect things to go wrong. We keep people close that we can relate to after all, right? And even if it's not negative energy, perhaps people with a very positive outlook are able to find ways of turning negative events around or they deal well with it. It's sad because the traumatic events that led us down this path aren't our fault, but maybe - as they saying goes - misery really does love company....

Iwoya

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. We are all here if you need anything!

Do you ever think about all of the people you befriend who have good things happening to them? And I know you, you certainly won't take credit for that even when you should!!

You are very hard on yourself my friend and you should see the positivity you give the world. The negative parts are made better by having someone like you in our lives.

I do do that, focus on the negative, blame myself and pass the credit for positive outcome to chance or someone else. But the problem isn't my (or you) or bad luck or misfortune. The problem is my point of view.

Hugs
Sam

**could be Triggering***

iwoya;
I am sorry about what you are going through...
been there, doing that..
We are not the cause of other peoples illnesses, nor are we jinxes. But I can understand how one could think this way.

Without going into too much detail…
I have had so many things happen to me, so many people dying, so much bad luck.. I have had three cancers, thankfully the last is in remission, I have had my father die in my arms on fathers day, I have been raped…and my friend has only 4 years to live….and so on.. and on. And yes I have looked up and asked that whom-ever is up there to PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE!!!.. Yes sh*t happens, and for some, a lot of Sh*t happens.. But is it caused by someone else… no. unless you personally infected them.

We can dwell on the negative, or look ahead to tomorrow.
I do agree to a certain extent that negative energy begets negative, and positive begets positive.. If we wish to be sad and angry, that is all the type of people we will attract because the positive people won’t want to be around us.. And I am not saying that we must be happy every single day of our lives.. Hell no, that would be impossible, or some REALLY good drugs! But we can’t constantly blame ourselves, or others.

I could have curled up into a ball and given up on so many occasions.. But I refused to.. I refused to give in. I refused to give in to the physical abuse, every day for 15 years.. Refused to give in to the 3 cancers, refused to give in every time they wanted to stick another needle into my spine, or neck or head.. I refused to be down and out and Not once did I give up or say that someone else caused all my bad luck. You can believe in positive thoughts or negative ones, that is every ones option. I chose my way.. Now you must choose yours.

p.s. If I ever find who has the voodoo doll of me, I’m gonna kick some butt!!

I'm sorry if I worried ppl. I'm not looking for sympathy I was just curious if this self blame thing was a BPD thing or just a Iwoya (Todd) thing.

PS - to myfault,

I found a voodoo doll a few years back and everytime the world gets to me I start poking it with needles or lighting it on fire. Who knew!!

Sorry, I'll stop

Hi Todd-

I think it is a common element of us BPDers to blame ourselves for things that happen to us and those around us. I think due to the fact that there is a strong resonance of the black sheep stigma for us, that this also exacerbates the feeling of bearing the blame.

I am very sorry that you have difficult times right now and in the future. From what I do know of you, I have no doubt you will greet the challenge headlong and strong, and Im here for you anytime you want to share. <3

And also, to answer the flip side of your question/musings, I myself have also blamed everyone and everything under the sun for my problems in the past, much prior to learning about BPD. So, in classic form, black/white flipside to the max :0).

My best to you...


AMP

MissAli, I agree with everything you've said.

I'm not sure of other people's experiences of BPD within the family, but I was used as a scapegoat for everything that went wrong. And because I had such a poor sense of who I was, and thought I was 'all bad' I took it all on board. It's very easy for others to do this, because BPD behaviour is so 'out there' and we don't have good communication skills or know how to assert ourselves.

I blamed myself for everything, expected bad things to happen to me. I could never work our what was my fault, and took on way more than my share from other people.

Yet, and this is another paradox of BPD, I blamed everyone else for my issues. Well, I never truly believed it, I had a constant image of myself being 'all bad', but I would get angry if other people pointed out my faults, and project.

During recovery, I've managed to find a balance, knowing when to take blame, but also knowing when to assert boundaries when people use me as a scapegoat.

All this behaviour is usually rooted in chidlhood. I had a lot expected of me, I was blamed for everyhing, was punished excessively, and so I took all that on board. Which then added to the splitting mentality, meant I couldn't understand the concept of I wasn't always to blame.

I think to an outsider pwBPD look like they never take responsibility for themselves, out of denial or not caring. But the truth is, we are so obverburdned with guilt and shame we can't cope, so we project outwards.

Sometimes, self blame, believing things are our fault, is a way of control. It's very hard to deal with the fact that some things just happen for no reason.

Hi,

This is a powerful post.

I totally get the blaming myself - at times I have reached a point of feeling that I was a demon of some sort, an evil being. V. black and white and destructive. I can also blame others and I relate to finding any kind of criticism difficult as I feel so assaulted when it happens - as a child and growing up I was used to being screamed at (by my mother) and raged at, and then her turning around and getting guilty, being very emotional and "making up". Didn't know where I was. Felt guilty myself, wrong, everything my fault. My father, as I remember, was just silently critical and cold. Nothing good enough unless I achieved something that made him look good. If I think someone doesn't like me I get terrified and assume I'm a bad person and that they can see through me.

I'm just starting to explore the family I grew up in and hope to do more in therapy.