How to stop catastrophizing? (Abandonment/Attachment Fears)

I'm just wondering.. have any of you fellow BPDers managed to find a good technique to calm yourself down in instances where you think that you are being ignored?

I have such a bad habit of freaking out if my boyfriend (especially him, I rarely freak out about others) doesn't call me EXACTLY when he says he is going to or text me back within the amount of time that I consider appropriate (which is far less time than the average person).

This causes a lot of problems - my boyfriend knows about my Borderline and he also is pretty understanding of it. But it bothers him when I overreact, which I think is understandable because it is really difficult for him to understand WHY I am pissed off that it took him 10 minutes to respond to a text message. I get it, I don't think it is very fair to him.

It also bothers me that I overreact and worry so much about my boyfriend abandoning me when I have absolutely NO evidence for this. My boyfriend treats me like a princess. He is 100% devoted to me and shows it. Also, we live together, so I see him every single day. Happily. He has never cheated on me and is vocal about his feelings about infidelity.

So why do I feel like I am going to have a panic attack when I don't hear back from him right away? Sometimes, when I am at work, for example, I'll text him and then just literally stare at my phone unable to do anything else, wondering why he isn't texting me back right away. This has come in between my work productivity far too many times. It is very distracting and distressing.

Any one have pointers? My right mind is always telling me that I am not thinking clearly and that my thoughts are bogus... But then those "bogus" thoughts are so invasive.. telling me "of course he isn't texting you back. He's with that girl from his class. He's going to leave you!!!!" I feel like I am constantly being juggled between my rational mind and these insane catastrophic thoughts...

Help! Or share experiences!

Hi lionsandtigers! Welcome to our forum!

Actually, I have gone through this with MANY a boyfriend, and even friends when I feel I'm being left out of plans for the night. Of course, the thoughts come that they're purposefully ignoring me, leaving me out, plotting against me... LOL. And then they call, and POOF! Everything's fine.

I have had a lot of luck with what's called distractive therapy. I don't know if that's a medical term, but my therapist and I would go over things that I liked to do, or things that caught my attention for different time spans (an hour, ten minutes, etc.), so that when I was in a position where I had to wait for something, and the time span differed, I would try one of the coping mechanisms to distract my mind from ruminating over it.

I don't know that this works for everyone, but for ones that were like an hour, I would look at the TV program cable list, and would force myself to sit and watch it. Even if it were something stupid, or if it were Animal Planet, and I would have to FORCE myself to stay seated with the phone out of arm's reach UNTIL IT RANG. It drove me crazy, but then it got easier after a few times. Especially when I was anxious about news, or plans, or whatever.

If it were like a 10 minute wait, I would play Hanging with Friends, Angry Birds, etc. to keep my mind off of whatever I was waiting on, and would give myself "goals" for these games, such as attaining 3 stars, or playing until I had a word with a minimum point value. This usually led to me being patient for MORE than 10 minutes, which was a big deal for me.

I don't know that it works for everyone, and each of us is different, but I just wanted to offer what I've used :0).

We're glad you found us here, and I hope you find the forum supportive and helpful!

<3

AMP

I talk about distracting in the thread ** bpd girlfriend and silent treatment ** That is a good technique if you can do that, and it takes practice.

Us with BPD often think with our emotions rather than what is rational. So when you're in these situations you may want to ask yourself when you have no evidence of wrong doing... are you thinking with your emotions....and if the answer is yes... Try to focus on what is rational.. ie. maybe he got busy in a meeting, or lost track of time etc. Remind yourself that you have NO reason to distrust him.

There's a lot of techniques and I often refer people to this website... http://www.dbtselfhelp.com it's the dbt course, it's free, and there are a lot of techniques that may be helpful to you.

Hope this helps..
-cbox

Thanks for your responses, MissAli and cbox.

After practicing these techniques, do you feel like your thoughts started to diminish? Say, after a while, you didn't need to FORCE yourself into distraction, rather the thoughts just weren't as prevalent?

My big thing (and frustration) with my BPD is that I hate that I have to put so much EFFORT into curbing my thoughts and behaviors. It is daunting to think that in order to suppress these thoughts I have to implement a skill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

It would be nice to know that with practice eventually my brain will start to believe that my thoughts are irrational and therefore the thoughts will stop being so invasive and consuming.

So basically... Am I going to be constantly practicing skills? Or will the skills lead to an actual change in my thought patterns??

Thoughts?

-- Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:17 am --

Honestly, I am so SICK of obsessing over these stupid thoughts that MAKE NO SENSE.

I just want to be CHILL and NORMAL. I also hate that my thoughts make me feel so needy.

I also am sick of being humiliated when I freak out over something I made up in my head. Most of the time, my accusations turn out to be false and it is totally embarrassing and just makes me resent myself.

lionsandtigers wrote:Thanks for your responses, MissAli and cbox.

You're welcome

After practicing these techniques, do you feel like your thoughts started to diminish? Say, after a while, you didn't need to FORCE yourself into distraction, rather the thoughts just weren't as prevalent?

Yes.. please read my very last post in that thread I mention above.. It will give you some ideas.

My big thing (and frustration) with my BPD is that I hate that I have to put so much EFFORT into curbing my thoughts and behaviors. It is daunting to think that in order to suppress these thoughts I have to implement a skill EVERY SINGLE TIME.

It would be nice to know that with practice eventually my brain will start to believe that my thoughts are irrational and therefore the thoughts will stop being so invasive and consuming.

So basically... Am I going to be constantly practicing skills? Or will the skills lead to an actual change in my thought patterns??

Thoughts?

Here's the great thing.. The more you practice this, and do it... It will become 2nd nature to you... It will become habit so that it's automatic... It does practice. You're basically teaching/training your brain to think differently..

p.s. It will be VERY daunting and difficult at first... but with each time you try IT WILL become easier and easier... That's a GOOD thing.

Hope this helps..

-cbox

Lionsandtigers-

Cbox is completely right - you won't be "practicing" as much as you'll actually be training yourself a new coping mechanism. It will become second nature. But please do not think that practicing takes two times, and you're cured. Remember that these abandonment issues and such have come from YEARS of maladaptive coping mechanisms, but I realized after about a month or two that I wasn't really "trying" to distract myself anymore, it was just my go-to response to having to wait.

And I HATE waiting. But I've gotten more patience from it, and that in itself is a quiet miracle.

Box has some great tips, and the website that he gave you is very helpful as well.

<3

AMP

Omg you have no idea how happy i am i found this!!! i thought it was just me i didnt realize it was an actual thing. Thank you soo so sos much you have no idea what a relief this <3 I love all of you!!!!!!!