3 Years and counting..

Hey everyone..

Not sure if this is the right area to post, so my mistake if not. Anyway.. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 19 after seeing doctor after doctor since I was 12 when symptoms started becoming apparent.

I didn't start therapy until I was 20 as I refused to believe there was something wrong with me. The only reason that I eventually started therapy was because my then manager at work informed me that if I didn't receive help within the week then I would be fired. So of course because she had always been the one person I could trust to do what she said, I took myself to the doctor and got a referral to mental health.

Well, I've been there for 3 years now and my therapist keeps bringing up the topic of a "therapy holiday", the thought of this gives me very strong panic attacks and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that she's trying to get rid of me. I know this won't happen unless I'm ready as she's said that she doesn't mind how long I'm there. But this feeling just won't leave. I almost didn't go today because I knew she was going to bring the topic up again and I didn't want to feel that again. Her attempt is to desensitize me to the thought of being discharged. My head goes crazy when she mentions it and she knows it. Don't get me wrong, I know I've come a long way, but I've still got so much more to go.

My worst symptom at the moment is the abandonment issues and the dissociation. SH keeps raring its ugly head and so does the anger.

Anyways, this was really just a post to say hello to everyone.

MLB..

Hi Butterfly, welcome to the nuthouse!

You certainly came to the right place. This is most definitely the place for issues like yours. First off, congrats! The fact that you've stuck with the therapy for three years now is commendable. I'm on the waiting list now, so I may be asking you for advice later on this year.

It's understandable how you're feeling with this "therapy holiday" on the horizon. As you well know, one of the big fears of a person with BPD is abandonment and, from your perspective, that's what the therapist is pushing for. Do you have any close friends who know you have BPD? If so, call them up and have them ready. Go out with them, spend some time with them, just be around them. That way, the feeling of abandonment by your therapist can be countered by the feeling of love and acceptance from your friends.

Also, you may want to talk to your therapist about possibly coming in less often, just for a "well baby" visit. So say that you're going once a week now, maybe cut it down to once a month. Eventually, I'm guessing that your therapist will want you to take a permanent vacation, so to speak, but at least doing it gradually will help you ease into it.

Just a thought...

Hey..

Thanks for replying.. None of my current friends have BPD and I haven't really been able to talk to them about what I have either. A few of my friends know about the dissociation as they've experienced it when I've been around them. I've been told to join a DBT group so that I can make friends with other people who have BPD but I haven't really looked in to it.

I see my therapist once a week at the moment, she wanted to increase it to twice weekly but I said no. As I'm also studying at the same time and it would put to much stress on me to have to talk about my "issues" more than once a week. I'm not seeing her next week as she goes away for a week. I'm glad for this but at the same time I have the whole "you just don't want to see me" issue going on. I hate the conflicting emotions. I want to keep seeing her, but I want to leave at the same time. She was away for a month just recently on holiday and I freaked. At the end of that month I didn't want to go back and see her cuz I was thinking that she purposely went on holidays cuz I was too much to handle for her. Ah I don't know..

Anyways, I'm off to do some study..

MLB

You brought up a good point, and I'm going to start another thread on that, but I suspect most of us don't have friends that are BPD. I've been trying the secret handshake for a while, and they all just think I'm crazy. ..oh wait, I am. Nevermind!

Even if your friends don't know exactly what's going on, I'd still recommend scheduling a little R&R time with them. Even if they don't know they're helping, they are!