We are beautiful! PLEASE READ BUT MAY TRIGGER!

OkAY..

So all the years we were pushed from pillar to post. One shrink, 2 shrinks, even 3. Psychology, psychotherapy, crisis lines, repeating your story over and over again. Each time the story gets more confusing. As the years go by you join up to workshops and support groups. Depression workshops, anxiety workshops, confidence workshops. I am depressed.. this workshop will help... All the time not knowing this was just one other symptom eating away at you not knowing the real culprit.

As a child you were different.. highly strung with an old head on young shoulders. Never fitting in..You think maybe everyone thinks this way.. or do they??

You are suffering with depression says the G.P... Writes out a prescription for prozac, citalopram, whatever... See me in 6 weeks.....6 weeks later.. yeah I feel slightly different but at first it was bad, real bad.. felt worse but now I am numbing a bit.. Okay he says.. carry on with this higher dose... off you toddle......

days go by, weeks go by and then you do that thing again because you've had another argument. You've pushed away the very person you love so dearly.. they are the enemy again.. They have done something that has made you mad. In reality it's not major but you're no longer in touch with reality. You reach for the razor blade, the alcohol... and at worse a stash of meds.. You want to go to sleep now. Take away the pain. Everything you learned at the workshop is now a blur. Everything you have read makes no sense anymore... Just please take the pain away.

In the slumped mess you've become you then desire help... you're crying out.. You don't understand me. Why are you hurting me. Why do you say that to me.. I am good to you, so good to you... My life is a mess.. what is wrong with me...

Recovering again from your brush with near death and things start piecing together again. Your spouse, friend, lover... wants to help but doesn't know how but they love you. They're scared.. Please don't do that again to me... I nearly lost you they say.. you wonder as you look into their eyes why they care they nearly lost you. you'd been so bad, a nightmare to live with., Hell on earth. This isn't just depression you think this is more, much more damaging... BUT WHAT??

You start to make your promises again. you hug them... you say sorry.. you plead with them to understand even though they could never fully ever understand because even you don't..

People ask what it is you think it is.. are you just angry with your past? Maybe you should try a different approach. Go back into therapy.. Wait and wait on the long waiting list.. In the mean time life still throws it's crap at you and you have good days and bad days. You keep going round and round BUT... Each time you recover from another fall you get more determined to find out what the hell is wrong with you..

Then it happens one day.. You sit there in the waiting room.. twiddle your thumbs and out he/she walks. calls your name. you follow and think... 'here we go again'... but you know this time you can express for sure.. you can this time say 'right.. I know there is something wrong with me more than just depression. More than just anxiety'. And for the first time you really talk, honestly.. you let them see you, really see you. You find the strength to insists they help... 30 minutes has gone by of questions and you insisting what the hell is wrong with you. Then it comes:

You are displaying signs of bordeline personality disorder, or how I and most of the UK like to call it, 'emotional unstable personality disorder' This explains many things. Your years of unsuccessful treatment because you and we didn't know for sure what we were dealing with. At times you were maybe showing signs of clinical depression and/or bipolar. However it is clear to me that this is your diagnosis.

A new prescription is made. You will be seen again in 4 to 6 weeks unless you call beforehand to say you need the appointment brought forward. They may give you paperwork. bpd paperwork. They may explain to you not to take it to heart too much and go home looking it up on the net to scare yourself.. however you do it anyway.. At last the pieces are fitting together and no matter how painful it is to see these things about yourself.. the things you do, the things you say, at least now you have an answer. You knew all along there wasn't something quite right..

Years go by.. You struggle, then you cope, you argue and push away then beg them back. You push them away and say you hate them.. but then they are all you need to mother you, to love you and look after you.. Eventually though you see what it is doing to them.. At some point you have to take responsibility.. You cannot always blame the illness and make it your excuse to not get better. We all have personal fights in our life and we can say it isn't fair but who said life has to be fair? We all have baggage. Life has no guarantees or promises. Underneath all the pain, anger, resentment, and depression. Beyond the violent rages and the monster that can rear it's ugly head and take over your brain, for a while, ultimately, and most importantly you are beautiful. Inside and out.. BPD is nasty and can try to eat you alive and sometimes it does, but eventually (and it doesn't matter how long it takes) your beautiful nature, your kindness, your ability to be a better person will prevail.

I have rambled long enough but wanted to send out some hope. I suffered for over 15 years never knowing what was wrong. I wanted it over many times. I am aware there will still be bad, dark times but I no longer want to hide behind the illness. I will work with it and control it. I have to change my meds next week and insist on DBT. I have to be assertive. Not think that by me telling him what I want is a sign of me manipulating or I am better now and just want to hang on for excuses. It is me wanting to go onto the next chapter.. that is all. It won't be easy but it is necessary....The journey will have many bumps and wrong turns. At times I may have a defeatist attitude and feel lost but in time, my beautiful side will conquer..

With love and light x x

Thank you for writing this, D.

I know that a lot of us, myself included, can definitely see ourselves in the journey you've made. It's sad that our diangosis carries so much stigma.

BUT - I don't see that as OUR problem as much as I see it as a LACK OF UNDERSTANDING on the parts of others.

And yes - you ARE beautiful. And so am I. And so is everyone here.

<3

AMP

Thanks for what you wrote.

Was just diagnosed and feel great relief though fear too.

Ad33 wrote:Thanks for what you wrote.

Was just diagnosed and feel great relief though fear too.

Hi there,

Yes I imagine you do feel like that. I remember that feeling. I still get it now from time to time myself.

Hope you're doing okay.

x x

That made me smile.

Especially the part about being told not to go look it up... and doing so anyways.


I don't quite feel worthwhile yet, but your post is encouraging. It's hard to find self-worth when you feel like you're only just covering a monster that could strike at any minute... but I'm getting better.

Hi Cabiano

and thank you for taking the time to reply. I am happy you enjoed reading this. I was on a roll the day I wrote this. I myself have a big battle with feeling 'worthy' and most days I don't but I do try. It is so hard.. We've just got to keep going..
lots of love
xx

demitria78 wrote:You are displaying signs of bordeline personality disorder, or how I and most of the UK like to call it, 'emotional unstable personality disorder' This explains many things. Your years of unsuccessful treatment because you and we didn't know for sure what we were dealing with. At times you were maybe showing signs of clinical depression and/or bipolar. However it is clear to me that this is your diagnosis.

They may explain to you not to take it to heart too much and go home looking it up on the net to scare yourself.. however you do it anyway..

I have to be assertive. Not think that by me telling him what I want is a sign of me manipulating or I am better now and just want to hang on for excuses.

These parts resonated with me the most.
I was diagnosed with BPD over 10 years ago, and I was given my diagnosis as the end of the session. I obviously went home and researched, didn't understand it, and the stigma back then was even worse than it was now. Not only did I feel i was 'bad' I was officially diagnosed as 'bad'. I was really suicidal at that point. The doctor treated me like a criminal, also my Dad was really angry about the diagnosis and rang the doctor up asking him if he could change it lol.

Also, I am constantly paranoid that I'm manipulating my doctors. Because pwBPD are 'known' to do this, I'm always watching and analysing what I say. It's hard to be honest when you have BPD, because we are switching modes all the time.

I will say that the Mental Health system in the UK is pretty bad. I quit therapy, back when I was diagnosed, because the doctor made me uncomfortable and I wasn't going to open up to someone I didn't trust. And I was labelled an 'uncooperative Borderline'. So therapists can get away with abusive therapies, and blame the patient if they don't want to carry on.
Also, when I was hospitalised for depression, I was told that pwBPD shouldn't spend a lot of time in hospitals as it makes them worse. So I was kicked out after a few days, after getting a telling off for not sticking to therapy.
I went back into therapy a while back, and the psychologist i saw treated me like a human being, explained how BPD works, helped me to figure out the abuse, and within about 10 sessions I was on my way to recovery. All it took was for someone to help me understand why i was that way, and that I wasn't some spawn of Satan lol. And he validated the abuse and just treated me like a person, not a label.

So I'm really sorry for you, that you had to wait all this time. Often even when you do get a diagnosis, the therapy can be pretty bad, and doctors are judgmental. Which is why I am trying to do a lot of self-work, by using the net.
I know it's hard to deal with the label 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. Even 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' isn't that great lol. I personally think the diagnosis should reflect the cause of the condition, like PTSD does. BPD does not validate the trauma that has caused it.

I've met so many pwBPD, and because of the way I viewed myself, I thought that other pwBPD would be these awful monsters. But I've found them to be very empathetic, caring, understanding and open. So actually meeting others with BPD, has helped me to maybe see myself in a better light too.

Hi Lily,

Thank you for your reply to this. It was a pleasure/comfort to read. I am happy that you felt some familiarity with it. I have read it back to myself sometimes and thought 'is it only me that feels this way' lol.. You know that feeling right

Today I am finding it hard to stay afloat and positive. The monster reared it's ugly head last night again and I am going through the motions.

xx