Chronic approval seeking

Just wondered whether anyone identifies with this as it's a lifelong pattern that's causing me pain.

I've started to realise that I act like a child around people who intimidate me for whatever reason, or who I want to like me. I quite literally lower my head and speak in a child-like, please-like-me tone then feel horrible and enraged. But when I do say what I feel openly I'm so scared of being rejected or attacked in some way I get strident and dramatic and the self-loathing abandonment thoughts and feelings kick off, which sometimes leads to self-harm.

I just hate it. Sorry I can't be more positive but I feel awful today.

Ad33 wrote:I've started to realise that I act like a child around people who intimidate me for whatever reason, or who I want to like me. [...] But when I do say what I feel openly I'm so scared of being rejected or attacked in some way I get strident and dramatic and the self-loathing abandonment thoughts and feelings kick off, which sometimes leads to self-harm.

I just hate it. Sorry I can't be more positive but I feel awful today.

I left 1 little part out, but the rest... yeah... VERY relatable... I do this too. There is one person I completely idolise and I act like a child around her most of the time. Of course it doesn't help that she has very strong mother instincts and is easily old enough to actually *be* my mom, so it's a kind of role we both seem to slip into... :/
It's not exactly good for my selfesteem (or what's left of it anyway...)

Sorry you're having a bad day, I know the feeling, feeling it right now too :/

Hugs
Nerissi

Yes, I can relate to this too.

We are covering this in our therapy group, using Mindfulness.
All the women in my group have the same problem, not feeling able to speak our minds for fear of rejection. I just seem to have this mental block when it comes to it, and I've let so many things slide, when I should have stood up for myself.

When I meet a new person, I am always lower than them. I want to please them, and I get too clingy and people pleasing and scare them away. This leads to crushing loneliness, depression then self-harm and self-loathing.

It's a very hard pattern to break, when EVERYTHING in your life is dominated by this fear of rejection. Every person I meet, I assume, that they will eventually leave me.

Plus, I seek approval and define myself by it, from people who are in asbolutely no position to judge anyone! I think BPDers are very naive and trusting.

I can definitely relate.

It feels like all I ever do is seek approval from others. I define myself by what others think of me (I know I shouldn't, but I have no clue how to change this)

I can sorta relate.

For me its I'm in my own world & I try to ignore you, not look at you, cower away.

Lately its, your in my world & I will move you out of my space right now! When I go back I try to catch myself. There is no reason to please anyone, bow to anyone, not stare someone in the eye etc etc. This is my world, my space I am successful & I dont need your approval.

Thanks for your responses,

It's good to hear that people can relate and not feel judged. I am hopeful that a combination of meds and therapy will help me get some relief from the symptoms.

All the best

Funny - I was just going to start a post on this subject! Wanted to ask if being a people pleasing approval seeker is more common amongst people with full BPD or borderline/emotional instability traits - or if is nothing to do with borderline?

I think I was brought up to ignore or dismiss or deny a lot of my feelings. They were not acceptable. Parents probably taught me this by invalidation - laugh at or deny or disapprove of showing real feelings they considered unacceptable. Now I know through therapy that feelings are just given to us to feel and we do not choose them - although we can choose or control the actions we take or do not take as a result of those feelings.

So I on occasions when I let my real feelings about something out (usually when I drank), I would be so worried, in fact terrified about the reaction / disapproval /rejection by others that I would be in a crisis of self hate for ages afterwards.
Also at times if i felt angry or resentful about something someone did to me, I lacked
the feeling of entitlement to feel that way
the courage to confront them and
would feel fear of rejection by them.

Did not expect a mature, assertive discussion that might resolve issues or resolve problems and perhaps involve things like the other person understanding me or even apologizing if appropriate. (Of course I would not expect that - I never had it much before!). So I would be more likely to turn all those unresolved feelings in and hate myself for being "ugly" and "full of hate" inside.

And then that feeds the self hate and makes you more likely to be more approval seeking in future to make yourself feel better - so I would end up seeking the approval of the person who I had the justified anger towards in the first place. Then i would feel more confused and resentful!?

Sometimes I pretend not to know something that I do so the person I am speaking to does not think I am too "smart arsed" . Maybe i also do this because i do not want to say - "Yeah, of course I know that!". Then i have to listen to them tell me something I already know. Maybe I act the dumb blond / child like - for approval?

So does what I have written above sound like emotional instability / a borderline trait to others?

I ABSOLUTELY can relate. I definitely consider the way I act around people to be very childish. It makes me feel like a retard in the end.I have noticed people dramatically change the way they initially speak to me after I get a few words in. I don't know what would be worse, having someone speak "down" to you to gain approval or being humiliated/rejected while trying to act more normal. I've also been in several occasions where, what I wanted more than anything was to have the person to verbalize to me that I was "good" or "doing good".

So glad to be able to relate to someone about this.

Hi,

I'm still confused about what are symptoms of my BPD diagnosis and what aren't. But I do relate to seeking approval from people I have justified anger towards. I know I can be pretty stand-offish too.

The thing is, when I seek approval from people I then start hating them and resenting them.

If you are insecure as who you are now an adult you might morph into that personality as a defense mechanism or change your persona to please the viewer which is child like so they find you adorable or cute or something.