everything just keeps getting worse

I honestly feel that every single day, I feel worse than the day before. for weeks now. how much lower can I go? I feel like if my life keeps going this way, one day my brain and/or heart are just going to ..... give up. fade away. take me away from everything. like I won't even have to kill myself. I'll just die from too much pain and failure and endless occurrences of everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong. more and more taking my life seems like the only thing left to do. I haven't been suicidal since I was living with my abusive ex boyfriend. I left him 5 years ago this summer. I don't even know why everything is getting worse. I have an incredibly sweet and supportive boyfriend. good friends. I'm taking antidepressants and sleeping pills so I'm sleeping a lot better. I go to a bpd support group twice a month. I'm seeking counselling from my university, I have an appointment tomorrow. but I just keep slipping down this hill, every step I take just takes me closer to the bottom. the thought of ceasing to exist doesn't remotely scare me anymore. i honestly think it would be such a relief, like I would just sigh and all this weight would be lifted and I could just close my eyes and that would be it, it would all be over. I would finally be happy. how okay I am with this is.... not even disturbing to me. I recognize people would see this is a large problem which is the only reason I kinda care. I just can't take all this anymore. I cannot continue to live like this. I can't.

I wish I could help. I feel the same way every day. I rarely even get out of bed, because the day is always a little worse than the one before, so there's no point in making an effort anymore. Everyone keeps telling me "It will get better" but they've been saying that for a decade and it never does. I feel like every single day I'm further from a future. Further from succeeding. I feel like I don't even have to kill myself anymore, because I'm already dying and my body will just give out from all the pain soon.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to stop the sinking. I'm sorry. But I do totally empathize with you. Have you talked to your bf about this? I think having a loved one to talk might help (it's not a luxury I have, so I can't be sure, but it's worth a try).

I appreciate you replying. I feel truly awful for saying this since I know how all consumingly horrible it feels to feel this way, but it's somewhat comforting to know that someone else is experiencing, like, the exact same thing. I wish we could help each other. I just feel so bad unloading $#%^ this dark and serious on anyone, never mind my boyfriend who deals with so much $#%^ from me as it is, and who can't relate to any of this on any basic level. I may try just for the hell of it. everything just feels futile.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I honestly feel that every single day, I feel worse than the day before. for weeks now. how much lower can I go? I feel like if my life keeps going this way, one day my brain and/or heart are just going to ..... give up. fade away. take me away from everything. like I won't even have to kill myself. I'll just die from too much pain and failure and endless occurrences of everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong. more and more taking my life seems like the only thing left to do. I haven't been suicidal since I was living with my abusive ex boyfriend. I left him 5 years ago this summer. I don't even know why everything is getting worse. I have an incredibly sweet and supportive boyfriend. good friends. I'm taking antidepressants and sleeping pills so I'm sleeping a lot better. I go to a bpd support group twice a month. I'm seeking counselling from my university, I have an appointment tomorrow. but I just keep slipping down this hill, every step I take just takes me closer to the bottom. the thought of ceasing to exist doesn't remotely scare me anymore. i honestly think it would be such a relief, like I would just sigh and all this weight would be lifted and I could just close my eyes and that would be it, it would all be over. I would finally be happy. how okay I am with this is.... not even disturbing to me. I recognize people would see this is a large problem which is the only reason I kinda care. I just can't take all this anymore. I cannot continue to live like this. I can't.

I feel the same way as well. I'm in counselling too but it feels like no matter what I do or how much effort I put in, it is and will never be enough. Every time I begin to regain a little bit of hope, something happens and I'm crushed like a bug. I'm tired of trying.

The thought of killing myself rarely crosses my mind because I really believe my body will shut down on its own soon because of the severe stress and pain it endures every single day. I'll be lucky and surprised if I make it to my 30s or even late 20s this way. I feel and look old--like I've lived for far too long and it's about time it came to an end. Every day I feel I'm inching closer to my grave. I'm not living, I'm dying. The more the days accumulate, the less I see the point in anything. I'm just watching my seconds die.

"Why fear death? Be scared of living."

StrayKitten wrote::(

I wish I could help. I feel the same way every day. I rarely even get out of bed, because the day is always a little worse than the one before, so there's no point in making an effort anymore. Everyone keeps telling me "It will get better" but they've been saying that for a decade and it never does. I feel like every single day I'm further from a future. Further from succeeding. I feel like I don't even have to kill myself anymore, because I'm already dying and my body will just give out from all the pain soon.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to stop the sinking. I'm sorry. But I do totally empathize with you. Have you talked to your bf about this? I think having a loved one to talk might help (it's not a luxury I have, so I can't be sure, but it's worth a try).

I had to rely on myself for that. I had to comfort myself every night and say things will get better. But I can no longer do that. I'm lying to myself and it's painful. I feel there's no hope of "winning" and getting my life back. I'm fighting a losing battle.

My post isn't of much help because I don't know the way out myself, but you are not alone, rainbow and Kitten. I really hope things get better for the both of you in the very near future.

im so sorry youre feeling this way if it helps at all, know that you always have this forum. im here for you too, if you want to talk to anyone one on one. ive been doing terribly myself. im recovering from a broken leg, which runed my ski season... i was going to be a top racer on my team this year. now, all thats over. i feel like ive lost al my real friends over the last couple months... people who i used to love more than myself, whose lives i knew better than my own, who i stil care for immensely, havent even asked me how im doing since the acident, havent talked to me in months... school is becoming impossible, i can hardly even get to class on my crutches, and between the pain and the pain meds, i cant think to save my life. i feel like im just going to fail out this semester. before, at least, i thought i had a future, and a home here for the next couple years... and finally, of course, im alone. no one wants me. least of all now, where, instead of just being an unstable, obsessive freak, im a ######6 cripple on top of it. i dont know where to turn to. well, i guess what im trying ot say is i know whee your coming from, when it feel slike nothing could ever get better ike nothing is going your way like your going to be a miserable failure for the rest of your life... im so sorry that you have to feel that way. i like to hope for a crazy mood swing, or a psychotic break, or just SOMETHING inside of me, some terible aspect of my mental condition, to save me. i guess, if anything, its a little bit of hope that youll fix yourself, if only for a little bit, if only in the wrong way.. but still, fixed. :0 i sincerely hope that this thought helps you, i know its hlped me.

wow i thought I was a huge weirdo for the whole feeling like i won't even have to kill myself because my body's just going to give out from the pain and stress thing.... I'm legitmately surprised to hear other people expressing my own exact feelings from themselves. Angelene, every word you said, I could have said, as well. I really thought that by mid 20s, life was supposed to start smoothing out and coming together, not get a whole bunch worse. it's like i'm watching the fragments of my self fragment into even small fragments over and over and over.....

I truly hope so too.

Svidrigailov, thank you for your post as well. gosh I feel like this is the most depressing conversation I've had in a while lol. i know how incredibly much external factors can make your internal environment so much worse, so I'm sorry to hear about your leg and that making day to day life even more difficult. I can't even imagine. I hope it heals well and at least you can look forward to that one thing not being an issue forever. I can sympathize with the needing to help yourself even if in the wrong way. sometimes it's all I can see as any sort of option. at least until the next day. I'm glad you found something that helps you, it has helped me on occasion as well.

Hi rainbow... :0).

Not that I know everything about being BPD (each of our journey's is our own), but I wonder if the fact that you are truly working towards recovery with your therapy, group, support system, that it is kind of "geting some of it" out of your system?

I remember my therapist telling me once that it gets worse before it gets better, because you're purging all the traumas from the past and putting small pieces together to build a future.

I thought that was sound advice then, and thought maybe perhaps you might like to hear it.

My best to you! Hang in there!!! <3

AMP

I definitely had not considered that.... it's an interesting possibility. I'm not sure I'd say I've had a chance to really divulge much of anything that I'm not reasonably comfortable mentioning around the right people already..... the support group is a total free for all so just being about to throw anything and everything out and have my experiences validated could potentially be having that effect. I always feel so good when I leave there, it's just hard to think of it turning around on me and surfacing later as a negative result.

I have been much more frank and upfront and honest about my bpd and depression with my boyfriend than I've really ever been with anyone else so consistently, so I could see that contributing to getting it out of my system.

thank you for offering that advice, now here's hoping it starts to get better soon lol

I know this is a late response. I was just googling "everything is getting to me BPD" and came across your post. I fell exactly the same as you did last month. I have new friends, a gf who loves me, Im on all these meds but Ive been off work for 6 months, (a job I hate and won't go back to anyway) everyday I just feel more empty, more useless and a failure, that I just can't take it anymore. Not in a suicidal way just in a, wanting it all to stop now...Ive had enough of this ride and I want to get off.

Then its hard when you realise you have probably had these issues all your life and due to their nature they will never go away. Its this endless stream of "trying to get better" but its just so tiring.

Sorry to be so negative. I know I should be trying to cheer you up in some way I suppose but I can't because I feel the same.

Good luck and take care.