I think relapsing is the correct term

I've just lost an invaluable contact tonight for a second time because I moved back home and fell back into old habits. I moved out of the state twice in my life, and both times I did really well, but within a few months of being back here I quickly slipped back into old ways. I've gotten better at picking my friends, and better at being a introvert. I tend to avoid people I know I wont get along with, but I'm starting to lose people that actually matter because I just don't enjoy social activities anymore. I've gotten very cynical and negative over the years, but that is the very core of my maturity. When I start trying to "have fun" I stop acting like an adult. I'm thinking that I want to move away again, but I'm not sure if that's the best choice. I mean, I THINK it's a good idea, and it's what I WANT to do.

A LOT of people turn to moving some place new to solve their problems. A "fresh start" or "clean slate", but really, we are who we are and will just take our bad habits with us and blah blah blah! Well what about being a product of our environment? For those of us with BPD, isn't that even more the case? I adapt to my environment, I ACT how my surroundings allow me to act, or need me to act. When I'm in a familiar place, I get comfy, let my walls down, and then I get lazy and stop worrying what people think and this is what gets me into trouble. I forget that not everyone can accept my PD and try to work with me and understand me.

It took me a LONG time to "grow up" I was 26. And I was truly "on my own". I was in a strange town in another state with no one but me to depend on. It was lonely and scary but it grew me up. I want that back, that feeling of ME. I did it by myself with no help and I did it for me. Around here, I'm always trying to impress everyone and show them how much I've grown, even when I don't really care what they think. I'm not always aware that I'm showing off either. I know now that I have what it takes but I still childishly try to show off how strong I've become. In a strange place where nobody knows you, no one cares who are, who you were, or what can do. You have to earn new friends. You don't have the luxury of a circle to network through.

I don't know what I should do. It always seems when I most happy, something goes wrong, so now I'm afraid to be happy, waiting for that crash.

Being too happy scares me too..like i am scared there might be a catch or something after.
The too happy feeling can instantly change into too painful feeling in a blink of an eye.
It drains me..the highest of the high feeling and the lowest of the low.
In between there's only boredom or numbness.

Tonight i'm so happy it hurts!
It hurts coz' tomorrow i'll be bored.
It's so boring it becomes painful
It is so painful i wanna die!
Then something makes me happy again..
..until it hurts..

Vicious cycle...

But we can fight it by trying to be strong..by looking forward to happy moments with each cycle:)

I'm tired of the "up phases". Thats what I call it when I'm "doing better" because if I say I'm doing better, something bad always follows. I don't want to look forward to the better parts of a cycle. I want to break the cycle.

The people here in my hometown already know me. They have their concrete opinion formed and subconsciously I don't see a point in wasting my effort trying to impress people who expect me to fail and break promises. It's much easier for me to work hard at forming new opinions with new people. If there isn't already a skewed image, then I have a motivation to keep their opinion of me positive. I do better when I'm treated the way people want me to act. I become the person my environment assumes I am. But any hiccup or crack in the structure, and I falter and show my true colors. If my routine is disrupted, I disrupt everyone around me. If my happiness or comfort is threatened, I make everyone uneasy.

An old friend that I haven't seen in over a year never told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. He didn't tell me how much I had hurt him before I moved away. Maybe he just didn't realize it until I was gone? But his wife, who is even harder to win over allowed me back into her life, so I was really confused and upset when she told me how he feels, and my natural reaction cost me her friendship last night. I felt like I had been blindly attacked with no warning without cause, and instantly slipped back into my old habits. I thought about it all night. Was I reacting that way because that's what they expected me to do? Is that why they were treating me that way? Did I act the way I was being treated? I'm not sure. I do know that a huge part of it was my bubble being burst. I thought everything was fine. I was being led on. So I felt like I had a right to be angry and demand a reason why. Especially when he really hates this being done to him. If there is a problem you need to say something before you walk away. I assumed he would observe the golden rule and assumed there was no problem.