I HATE MYSELF!

I wish my 17 year old mother had aborted me. There's always been something seriously wrong with me and I'm starting to believe there always will be.
I love so much. and I just want more than anything to be liked and not abadoned. and as a result I end up screwing myself and those around me over.
There may be no fixing me. I hope the roof of my house crushes me in my sleep tonight in some kind of freak accident. I really and truly hate myself! </3

I know how you feel, more than you will likely believe. I know the pain and anger that can come from wishing your parents never would have made you. I know firsthand the feelings behind every word you just said which is why I have a hard time responding to this without being hypocritical, but I really hope your house doesnt crush you, and even more I hope you can find some peace,if even for a moment. If you would ever want to describe in more detail the events leading to your current feelings, I am more than willing to listen. And though you may hate yourself, and though I may hate myself also, I hope you know that there are people out there who care about you even though they have never met you.

Thank you for your supportive words, and your empathy. Ofcourse I wouldn't wish this type of suffering on anyone, but it helps to know I'm not alone.
Basicly, I thought I was doing really well. I found alright meds, made some good progress in DBT involving Tolerating The Moment, and letting a person know how I really feel insted of lashing out at them and have been sober for 26 days. But then only to realize I'm a needy weakling who is still very much capible of lashing out at (or about) someone I care about when I feel abandoned. but the most disgusting quality is my tendancy twoards People Pleasing Behavior which then backfires in my face.
I just really want to get better, and to not lose people I care about. I'm tired of being my own worst enimy. I'm tired of not knowing how to be god damn normal.

I hope your somewhat feeling better now.
I feel your pain...
There are days when i love myself too much
Then the i hate myself to death moments

Spiraling between 2 extreme emotions is insanely tiring!

When i hate myself..i cry or vent it out by writing all my rage
When i love myself..everyone around me benefits, i do as they please

And trying to act normal has been my lifelong bane. I seem normal for the first few minutes of interaction. Then i get tired of my own act. From being extremely warm i become aloof. And people notice it. So i always tell myself "Keep looking normal!" over and over. Sometimes i successfully do it. When i had people think i'm normal. Boy! It's a struggle! Sometimes i get so drained i drop the act and just be myself. By that time im already so disinterested it is freaking obvious! I can get too transparent too.

That's the reason why i have few friends. I can't seem to stand people after awhile and they could sense it.

But strangely enough, i get drawn to people who aren't normal. It's like they magically get me. So yes, all the few friends i have are like me too. I love people who aren't normal coz' sometimes i think they judge less so i don't have to pretend and i can act my true self.

Don't worry it's not always #######5 moments. Life always throws good stuffs in between. So when that happens i bite it and bask in it. Crappy moments makes great moments more intensely euphoric.

Be strong!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, hon. It's not easy being us, I know. I also know what it's like hoping things end - I pray for it almost every night. Just keep looking for a reason to keep going and know that you're making progress. You're in DBT; you're doing well!

And last thing - we're here for you. You're never alone.

((big squeezy hugs))

Aww thanks a lot guys for the support and encouragement <3
I'm feeling a lot better now. I've been making some good progress in DBT, and have found a good medication combo.
I had a little set back with some mal-adaptive interpersonal effectiveness, but I'm made amends and thankfully those I cared about forgave me. I was able to realize the behavior more clearly in order to really work on it.
Thanks again guys for being here to lift me up