Getting Help

I've been struggling with depression and other issues since I was a teen, I'm 28 now. I've read on BPD and I have many of these symptoms. I'm considering going to see a counselor, I'm just tired of feeling low all the time. Part of me really wants to and the other part is scared to go. I'm scared of the stigma that is attached with the diagnoses of mental illness. My family is aware of my issues obviously but everyone makes it seem like it is something I should take care of on my own, or its not a real problem. I've tired really hard over the years, for my husbands sake, to get my mood swings and anger under control and I think I have controlled it quite well recently. I'm not perfect so there are times when I slip up. With controlling those issues I can't get past the feeling sad most of the time and abandonment/attachment issues with my husband. Most of the time I'm down and I try to put on my mask but my husband has got good at reading me and sees through it. I hate him asking whats wrong because most of the time I don't even know, sometimes I do but it's such a pitiful reason and I hate to share it. I'm sad more than I am happy but occasionally I am happy and think I've "fixed" myself. These don't happen often or for long periods of time, a few consecutive days once a month or every other. My last "up" was the longest (about a month) but it was for twisted reasons.
I know I should go for me if for anyone else, but I afraid of what people will think of me. I don't know why they've all seen me at my worst many many times and their still around.
My husband knows all my issues, I'm like an open book I share all my sadistic and crazy thoughts to him. He shared that when he was a teen he was depressed and he got over it by himself and it's all in my head, thus my attempt to "fix" myself. He supports me but I feel he doesn't see it like I do. Mine didn't just go away. So I don't know the best way to go about this. Should I just keep it to myself and see what they have to say then share it with him, or should I discuss it with him first. I don't want to make him feel like I'm leaving him out so to speak. But I really would like to be "normal".

Hi suga!

Welcome to forum :0). We're always happy to have someone reach out. I think you'll find its a pretty good experience around here :0).

I know what you mean about being afraid of a diagnosis, or afraid to find things out, but sometimes looking at it from the aspect of finding a peaceful, or MORE peaceful way of going about things is available, should you want to utilize that help. Some of us (myself included) are on meds, which take some of the "edge" of these feelings away, but there is no true medication for BPD, just the symptoms.

Sometimes its nice to know that life doesn't have to be THIS hard, but it can always be a struggle. It sounds as if you have a wonderful support in your husband. That's a great thing to have in your corner <3.

If you need anything, please feel free to PM one of us. We're pretty open with our struggles here.

AMP