I am confused why my Borderline boyfriend cheated on me

Hi guys,

I am new to this and thought it would be great to get a perspective off here. I don't know much about BDP myself as I haven't had time to look into it much yet, I have only been with my boyfriend for 3-4 months. I am just a bit confused because he has been putting across to me that he loves me so much, he cannot live without me + that he needs me more than anything however I was really shocked to find out he had been cheating on me with his ex he was with for a few years. I got suspicious when he started taking a while to text back a couple of weeks ago, when it would usually be after a few minutes; then he would always be going to sleep 'early'. First of all I didn't think much about it but after going round his house and finding another girls pair of leggings, I had got even more suspicious; I said to him: 'Who's are these?' and he really convinced me that it was his Ex's but he hadn't had time to chuck them out yet, he said he forgot they were in the closet. The week after, I stayed round his house again, this was a couple of days after christmas... I saw another pair of leggings on the floor.. I got really funny, and he totally convinced me again that they were his best friends. He always told me that him and his ex girlfriends relationship was more drugs, than anything else.. and she broke up with him because of there constant battle trying to make the relationship work, he said they both just constantly argued and always had silly arguments as they both have extreme trust + abandonment issues. After the second finding of the leggings this is where I started to think to the extremes... It was hurting me lots, I had only been with him 4 months but I feel such a close deep connection with him and it feels so much different than I did with anyone, I felt like he felt the same as this.. When he was in the shower I decided to check his phone; I read his texts and he had one saying 'I'll meet you in a minute' and 'ill call you later' the number wasn't named as a contact so I wasn't sure who it was.. At this point I was so confused I really really thought he liked me. I scrolled down his texts and there was arguments.. someone was saying 'Oh by seeing (name) you mean your seeing your girlfriend, id rather you not lie to me.. i hate liers. Im not bothered if your seeing her anyway.. It would just be nice to know the truth' I found so many other texts he had sent to her and what she had sent to him like ' Aw i feel like complete crap after the weekend, wish you were here' ... It has hurt me so much, its obvious there also doing drugs together too. No wonder he stopped responding to me for 2 days once. I called the number on withheld and a girl answered, i said 'Hey i got a missed call from you.. Who is this?' She replied with his ex's name... Im absolutely gutted! I really thought this could be different, and we had such an amazing relationship. I felt like he felt the same too, we have so much in common.. Except the emotional difficulties which him + his ex do have in common.. Im getting really jelous too, you know when you find out your guy is with someone else your curious to know what they look like, Well... I searched her name on Facebook & I was shocked to see that she is terribly pretty.... Brown hair, Catty Blue Eyes.. Slim Build.. :O
I don't know what to do..I haven't told him i know this yet just because i really like him and i need time to think.. let it out etc. Is this a common behaviour from borderlines? I just don't understand why i was so convinced that he LOVED me + now im heartbroken. What shall I do guys. Fank u so much.
Regards Abi

You haven't been with him long, but still he shouldn't be cheating.
I think it is common with borderlines, they have abandonment issues so like to know there are people around who want them.
They might cheat but will not be able to cope with it if you do.
Double standards.
A relationship with a borderline is always gonna be stormy and intense. They can be very hurtful, do and say things they quickly and genuinely, regret. Then they do them all over again. They hate you one minute and love you the next. There is a book called 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me' . Would that be helpful?
I loved my BPD but eventually couldn't cope with his moods, unreasonable demands and rages. He always accused me of cheating, I never did.
He was not violent.
But he hurt me too much.
All you can do is talk to him, to try and find out how interested he is in you. It might best if you found someone else, it might be difficult for him to be faithful. Can you put up with being treated like that? If so why?
Sounds like him and his ex have some sort of co-dependent relationship. Not good for each other yet unable to make a clean break.
You could be patient and see how things pan out I suppose as you like him so much.
If he don't decide who he wants soon the best thing you can do is move on.

I have a feeling you're the same person who was here about a week ago, complaining about their BPD boyfriend.
You both talk exactly the same, and you both keep making the mistake in spelling BPD as BDP.
borderline-personality/topic79699.html
borderline-personality/topic79672.html
borderline-personality/topic79504.html

Maybe it's just me being paranoid.


Anyway, he's not your "borderline boyfriend", he is your boyfriend, WITH borderline personality disorder.

By the way, I haven't really bothered to read your post. I have problems with my eyes and walls of texts. They just don't mix. Nothing personal.

We're funny people. Not Jack Benny, ha-ha funny. I mean Woody Allen, "oh. That's kinda weird" funny. Here are some things that you should realize about us.

We're great for hating, particularly ourselves. It doesn't matter how good looking or how successful we are, we generally dislike ourselves. Because of this self-hatred, we typically have a very low self-esteem. It's hard to boost yourself up when even you don't believe what you're telling yourself.

To that end, we seek external validation. BPD's are known for working in supportive roles where they can openly help others. It makes us feel validated, like someone wants us around. We are also known for our romantic lives. BPD's look for love anywhere we can. If a BPD doesn't find true love, we'll often sleep around. It may not be true love, but it'll do for the time being. The words "I love you" are better than any drug out there. We don't care if it's said on a romantic walk (when you probably mean it) or when you're riding us like a wild bronco and willing to say anything to keep the action going. We just need to hear the words.

We're also splitters. We can almost instantly categorize people into good/bad. There are only those two categories - it's black and white with us. If we're splitting a SO into the bad category, we may break up with them. However, the splitting is rarely permanent, so even after something as major as a breakup (even if we're the ones who did the dumping), we may turn around and fight to get that person back, generally in a very short matter of time.

Between those two, we will go back to past loves, looking for validation. I'm not saying for certain that that's what is happening here, but it may well be.

All that said, BPD is no excuse. Yes, there are some things we do that we don't intend to do, but that doesn't mean that we are not to be held responsible for those actions. If he is cheating on you, you need to deal with him as "a boyfriend who is cheating on me", not "a BPD boyfriend who is cheating on me because he can't control it." We're simply human; for better or for worse, hold us to the same standard you would anyone else.

I have nothing constructive to say here, except that I agree 100% with JohnnyBlaze.

Lia, get off your high horse. Fo real.

Anyway, to answer the OP, this is common. I am madly in love with my boyfriend, absolutely obsessed. I want to look perfect for him (even to the extent of getting a breast augmentation, which he continuously tells me he doesn't want, but I don't believe him), be perfect for him, spend all my time with him, marry him. But, yes, I do cheat on him. I don't have any romantic attachment to these other guys. I just need the validation that I'm attractive. I do it more when I'm mad at my boyfriend (devaluing him). It doesn't help that I have a really high sex drive and we are in a long-distance relationship. I know I need to stop, but I just don't know how that will happen. Anyway, please don't take it personally. It was a #######5 thing for him to do and you should hold him accountable, but it says nothing about you. Honestly, I'd drop all of those guys for my boyfriend, if I got the attention I wanted from him. When I'm with him, I don't think at all about those other guys. I just use them for what I need/want when I'm not with my boyfriend.

You know, I actually want my boyfriend to cheat on me. I'm bi, and I have this idea that it would be fun and bring us closer together and I would be the perfect, fun, understanding girlfriend. But, if I get the impression that he's talking about other girls with guy friends, I become absolutely enraged, even if I'm not sure that it's true. I feel excluded. This is the double standard with me, because, with my friends, I'm always making vulgar sexual comments about other guys.

I am no expert but I can relate to this as I have posted elsewhere that I have a sister possibly with BPD I have to deal with that may got me attracted to 2 women in the past with it. These girls told me they were going to therapists and were just "hurt" by other men. It does bring out the "White Knight" in men that is for sure and JohnnyBlaze said it best in dating a person with BPD. I however, got the projection treatment by them. Out of the blue, they would "accuse" me of cheating if I did not respond immediately to texts/emails/calls. Turns out they were hooking up with ex flings behind my back. One time my family came to visit and got tickets to a nearby amusement park for us. One of these GFs at the time, asked why she could not go and I told her it was their Idea for a family only day. She was enraged then after I returned home, I find out on Facebook, she found a guy she was sleeping with before me and told him how good he looks with his haircut he posted about. I was furious and she did her thing with "oh it was nothing," responses. Randomly I would get a confession from them that they did cheat and when I asked "what did I do" they would say I just needed to feel love. I am not saying I was perfect but as stated by Johnny, almost as if there is some emptiness inside they are trying to get relief from.