I don't want to be "tolerated" (may trigger)

So… I went to see this specialist today about a problem I've been having for the past several months. He isn't 100% sure about what I have and wants me to come in for some tests in a couple of weeks but he did tell me that he is almost certain that it's a certain chronic disorder that will probably last me for the rest of my life. From what he told me, if it is what he thinks it is, then I'll have to take certain pills and have my blood tested at the clinic about twice a week for the rest of my life and if I were to neglect it instead, it would get bad…

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about the condition itself, which is little more than a nuisance… my problem is with the damn blood tests. Where I live they only ever take your blood in the morning and only on freaking work days… which means I'll probably have to work out some kind of arrangement with my workplace…

And I'm sure my workplace would be willing to put up with it… and I'm sure that when the time comes to find a new job there may be some places that will agree to that even if it'll narrow down my employment options….

The thing is – I don't want people to have to "put up with me" my whole life.

As a child I was a financial and emotional burden on my mother, as an adult I became a burden on society via the disability and when I finally started working it took me so much longer than anyone else before I could do it properly.

Between my mental issues and now my physical issues I feel like this piece of junk people have to "be patient with" and "put up with".

I don't want to spend my entire life having to ask people to be patient with me. I don't want to someday be Mrs. "I love her despite all her flaws" or miss "I would feel bad about firing someone like that" or have imaginary friends who's main reason for talking to me is that they're too polite to hang up on me.

When I was little all I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of was to just freaking catch up with all the other children and I have been trying so hard for so many years but sometimes, like on days like this, I don't think I ever will.

Shaky -

A few things.... It's almost as if you're letting these disabilites menta and physical define the person that you are.. which simply isn't the case... They are a part of you, but they don't define you. You forget to mention that you're easy to talk to, caring, honest, and I'm sure many other great qualities. Don't sell those qualities short. Those that are your true friends appreciate those qualities about you which defines who you really are as a person. The other issues, are a part of you, but more than likely aren't an issue and don't come into play with others.

If you had a friend with a disability and you appreciated the person they are, their company do you think of their disability as a burden to you? More than likely their disability is a non issue to you, because you like the real qualities that define the person they are.. Hopefully this makes sense.

ShakyCore wrote:Between my mental issues and now my physical issues I feel like this piece of junk people have to "be patient with" and "put up with".

I don't want to spend my entire life having to ask people to be patient with me. I don't want to someday be Mrs. "I love her despite all her flaws" or miss "I would feel bad about firing someone like that" or have imaginary friends who's main reason for talking to me is that they're too polite to hang up on me.

In regards to this... anyone that would make the coments you mention above... those are the people you don't want in your life... If you're good at your job, you're good at it regardless if you have a disability. You may have to take a different approach to doing things.. It's you, and there's nothing wrong that..

Hope this helps some..

Take care,
-cbox

Thank you, cbox. I didn't think about it that way… I mean about it not defining me as a person.
Like you say, that's not the same way I see other people with disabilities and I guess I have a double standard between myself and everyone else when it comes to that.

Maybe it's just the part of me that's always looking for excuses to tell myself I'm dirt, at work here. Even when I hear words of reason like what you said or even when my own reasoning tells me otherwise, for some reason I just can't quiet that part of me down or completely disbelieve it.
I would throw out the hypothetical question of "how does one stop believing it?" but I suppose that if there were a simple, straight answer to that then BPD could be cured in a day.

At any rate, what you wrote did help and thank you again

I would throw out the hypothetical question of "how does one stop believing it?"

Well, this may be something that dbt would be a good approach to. It would be applicable to mindfullness.. When you get that feeling more than likely you're thinking only with your emotional mind, and allowing your emotions to control your thoughts. What you have to try and do is think more with your rational mind which focuses on the facts only... It's somewhat easier said then done, especially when in the moment. It's a matter of training your mind to try and think of a different approach to seeing things.