Should We Forgive Our Abusers Or Protect Them? *Triggering*

This has been consuming my thoughts lately.

How do you deal with these things when the person is still and probably will always be in your life?

You should just stay quiet your whole life so no one else is hurt?

Or should you just forgive them for what they did or accept it?

Will anyone ever believe you anyway?


I'm having a hard time ever knowing what will set me free. What do you guys do? How do you deal? I know this is a complex issue.

are you able to provide more details?

Are we talking about a relative, boyfriend...??

Because if it's a boyfriend they don't always have to be in your life.

Are you talking about emotional abuse, physical abuse, or both? If it's physical abuse did it happen yesterday or 3 years ago??

I think a lot of factors apply whether or not people will believe you..

No no no, I mean what made us have BPD in the first place.

Like abuse from parents. How do we deal with this? How do we deal with the people who makes us this way?

Do we ever really tell anyone what happened?

The thing is I have parents that are very high functioning. And no one would ever believe my childhood if I told them.

It's frustrating because I want the truth to come out but I don't think it ever will cause no one will believe me.

Like do I have to live a lie the rest of my life?

I have just recently been working on coming to terms with my father, and everything that he has done. We had a very abusive relationship growing up. He has changed over the years though, and what I see in him now, is something I never thought was possible. I see that he, himself has BPD traits like me.

I never understood why one of my Ex's would always say I am just like my father. In fact, that was easily one of my triggers. I would instantly lash back, become angry at the mere thought.

I can't be mad at him anymore, because I know now that he struggles, the same as I. I just can't ever tell him to seek help like I am doing. He will trigger if I did that, because he has before with other things. So I keep things from him now, I don't lash out at him anymore, as hard as it is. It's interesting to look back, and realize we both would trigger each other and just spiral into an all out blitz.

So, in closing, I have forgiven one of a long line of abusers in my life. It was only possible for me to forgive him, I think in part, because he's no different than me and I am no different than him, other than I can handle therapy to better respond to my BPD.

As far as forgiving, or sharing that information... my therapist actually helped me sort out a lot of my anger toward my father and what he did to me. He also helped me realize that my father has had a lot of trauma in his life. In a twisted way, I finally had something in common with him.

Have you talked to a therapist about this? What I was told, was to either learn to forgive what had happened, or learn to accept that what happened, happened. If I were to ever better manage my BPD, I was going to have to explore my past, as painful as it was, to understand that pain, and learn from it instead of locking it away. No one has ever told me that was a bad idea, or there are other methods to explore, which I am sure there are millions.

It's definitely possible to move on if change on their part has been made. That is the case with my parents. They are very different now with me than how they were with me when I was a child. I don't think I can forgive them, I think if I brought up the stuff from childhood they would be defensive and put it all on me, even be harsh like they were when I was a child. At the same time they treat me very well today. So while I am choosing not to "forgive" I can still have a relationship with and enjoy their company.

So it's not impossible, it's not black and white, just b/c parents were once abusive does not mean they absolutely must be out of your life. If my parents were still abusive I would not allow them in my life. But that's not the case for me and I am grateful.

crimsonandclover wrote:No no no, I mean what made us have BPD in the first place.

gotcha, gotcha, gotcha...

Like abuse from parents. How do we deal with this? How do we deal with the people who makes us this way?

Wow Crimson.. Your questions are tough here. I think everyone is different in how they want to handle this. I believe my issues came from parents, and maybe friends, probably more parents. I think it depends on the circumstances involved, was intentional or unintentional. In my situation, I believe, that it was unintentional. I was in the middle of a bad divorce. Mine is emotional abuse. I think, in my situation realizing that it wasn't intentional has made it easier to forgive. I haven't forgotten, and forgiving hasn't eased my pain. If it was intentional emotional or physical abuse then I'm not sure how I"d handle it. I think time, and recognition of what happened gives you a better perspective. I think you also need to decide how important is it to have a relationship with them? Do you want a close relationship or are you content to have a relationship that is more distant.

In my situation I'm pretty open about it, and will discuss with anyone that asks. Now my Dad is different. This is something that is NOT discussed with him, because he'd basically tell me to f**k off and never speak to me again. Him and I went many many years without speaking. It's only now that we're on relatively good speaking terms. He's my biological Dad, but I'll never be able to call him Dad.. Too much has happened and too many years have passed. He's never apologized for anything to me. I guess having whatever relationship that I have with him is better than rehashing the past and driving him away only to never speak again. Whether he believes he's at fault for anything really isn't relevent to me. I know what happened, and I know how its affected me and my life. That's sufficient for me. I don't see a point in bringing it up with him, because I wouldn't get an apology, and I'd just drive him away. My decision it's best to keep the peace in order to have the little relationship that we do.

Do we ever really tell anyone what happened?

The thing is I have parents that are very high functioning. And no one would ever believe my childhood if I told them.

It's frustrating because I want the truth to come out but I don't think it ever will cause no one will believe me.

Like do I have to live a lie the rest of my life?

Ultimately, this is something you need to decide, but my opinion is that it's good to be open about it. I think keeping it inside causes more stress, and being open about it allows you to not be ashamed. Allowing this information to come out has to be for you, and not for others. That means you run the risk of people not beieving. So this becomes weighing pros and cons of what is best for you. Being true to yourself, and accepting that not all (but some) people will believe you vs. Keeping it to yourself, causing you stress, hiding a part of yourself in order to make people happy and accept you.

Like pros/cons with my dad... Tell him, I don't get an apology, drive him away and we never speak vs. I know what's happened, I can live with not getting an apology and not discussing it with him, at least have some sort of relationship with him. For me it was best to have a relationship with him. Keep in mind this didn't happen over night. It took a lot of years before I was even ready to be open with having him in my life again.

The moral of the story: What is best for you and are you willing/able to accept whatever the consequences are of your decision?

How do we deal with the people who makes us this way?

this one is a hard question for me to answer b/c i'm not sure who make me this way. it's like i've been living like this since i can remember. lots of people involved i suppose.

family is one of the cause (i think) and i live separated from them and try not to contact them unless i need to.
i'm not sure if i actually forgive or not, i hardly feel that they're mean (people'll said i'm in denial)...all i know is i'm the one suffer.
but perhaps it's true that i deny anything related with them, including bad things they did...so i'm not sure how to feel to them.

so in brief, i think i forgive them (though i want them die soon), stay quiet (b/c i'm weak at defending myself through words and it'll give them more chance to give me more pressure), stay away from them (as far as i can).

but for people like boyfriend, teachers, friends...i forgive some and i don't forgive some.
i'll shout, i'll curse, i'll say how i feel boldly and told them how they treat me wrong....
whatever i do, i don't want most of them in my life anymore after what they did.ever!<-- anyway, i think this one is my another weakness and bad attitude that no one should follow b/c it's shows how unstable i am

I don't know that I've truly been able to forgive, and I definitely don't protect anyone anymore.

I guess one thing that I've actively tried to do is to move away from their ways of thinking, and doing every single thing they tell me to do (parents). They are still in my life, and they're not perfect, but I'm starting to learn to be my own person, and be accountable for my own actions without blaming the rest of the world.

I'm not sure this all answers your questions/post, but at the same time, I've had to make peace with it within MYSELF, but not necessarily with them - because like you, no one would believe me anyways.

Love ya, Chaude!

AMP

MissAli wrote:Love ya, Chaude!

AMP

Am I missing something, where do you see Chaude's name? lol

Love ya, Tea!

-cbox