Blinded or Wronged?!

I'm 22, I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder for about 2 years or more, but I've been living with it for much longer.

There's a person that I've hated with all of my soul for such a long time, to the point that I cut off all contact with her. I don't know if it's just the distance from her, that I haven't had to deal with any of her bull lately, or an actual realization, but I've been having these doubts lately.

What if she hasn't been such a big bad wolf all along? What if it's just my bpd? Maybe she just says and does a lot of things that trigger me?!

Then again, I have friends and family that all say that's shes wrong, messed up, a bitch, and probably a little crazy herself.

I a big pro-forgiveness guy, I mean, how can we expect others to forgive us, if we can't forgive others, and just being bpd, feels like you're going to need a lot of forgiveness.

On the other hand though, like I said, being around her triggers me. A LOT! She's the reason I started self-harming in the first place.
I'm not sure what to do with this. Am I imagining it, or is it real?!

Hi fellow Texan. Are you an Aggie?

So I guess the big question is WHY do you hate her?

**POSSIBLY TRIGGER POST**
I sort of am, but that's just as long a story as my post.

As for her, I hate/hated her because of the way she treated me. She would say one thing, then do another, make false promises, explode for no reason, blame things on me, but find fault with no one else, and never admit that she was the cause of any problem. She made me feel like no matter what I was never good enough.

Worst of all she would always guilt trip me into anything, or if she wanted to punish me. She was the only person that could make me feel like such a pathetic piece of scheisse. It pushed me to the point of where I felt I had to punish myself, that's when I started to self-harm. Then I got to the point to where I had to self-harm just to stop the pain inside.

The thing is though, I don't know if she was entirely aware of what she was doing to me. It wasn't until after I tried telling her how I felt that the scheisse really hit the fan. She was furious, and just couldn't believe that I could possibly find a fault with how she was treating me, and how dare I even say such things.

Read This ...

What if she hasn't been such a big bad wolf all along? What if it's just my bpd? Maybe she just says and does a lot of things that trigger me?!

Then read what you wrote in the above post about her... and you should know your answer!!!

just in case...

I'm not sure what to do with this. Am I imagining it, or is it real?!

My guess would be that's it real, because you wrote with a lot of detail above in how she made you feel. You also mentioned in your original post that you haven't had to deal with her for awhile.. It's like that saying.. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder".. I would venture a guess that it's real, but time has eased/healed wounds...

I'll add one more thing.. Maybe she isn't the big bad wolf as you say, but if she triggers you do you think it would be healthy for you to have her in your life?? Being triggered and miserable isn't my idea of fun..

I'm sure she triggers me, but at the same time she's usually there when I need her. The big thing is, and I feel like a teenager for saying this, even though I'm 22, but she's my mom.
Ever since I stopped hiding my emotions from her, we've always gotten into fights. The last time we got into a fight she disowned me and screamed at me to "Get the F*CK out of her house", 5 days later she was calling me and asking me how I was doing as if nothing ever happened.

That's the biggest reason I cut things off with her, I considered that crossing the line, and the final draw, but at the same time I'm the oldest of 5. I literally raised my 4 younger brothers and sisters because my parents were never around, and I miss them to death yet, I can't go back home to visit them, because she'll be there, and she'll want to act like everything's hunky dory.

It's going to be Christmas soon, and I'd love to go see them, this is where this all stemmed from.

Well, it sounds as if your Mom, while wrong, in some sense has her priorities right and that seems to be she's able to put aside the stuff that ultimately isn't important and she's there for you..So I say it's more good than a bad thing.

I think the main thing you need to figure out for yourself is can you have a relationship with her where you keep your emotions to yourself? You say this is where the fighting stems from. So it's what's most important to you and what you're able to accept.

1.. Being open with your emotions, arguing with mom, and not seeing brothers/sisters.
2.. Being closed off with your emotions when your around her, less arguing, and being able to see your brothers and sisters.

If option 1 is most important.. that's what your gonna have to deal with or just not see bro/sis as often.

If you can live with option 2, in a way ur not being really who you are, but it will make for a better family environment where you can see bro/sis.

I guess this all boils down to weighing pros/cons and what you can accept.

Good luck!!

I completely agree with your logic cboxpalace. Though when we had our last big fight, when she disowned me, I was being her "perfect, non-disturbed son" I never mentioned emotions, I never said anything. Kept all of my responses to a "yes ma'am, or no ma'am". I know how to hide my emotions, I did for 6 years. it wasn't until I decided to start standing up against her emotional abuse that we started to get into fights.

I don't want to sound ungrateful or argumentative, but I guess I feel really split on this, and I just don't know how to feel.