Just an expression of genuine despair -- triggering

This is gonna be a doozy...

I'm just so tired of all the nons who think people with BPD are these diabolic monsters. It makes me feel like I'm a worthless person who doesn't deserve to be here. But of course, suicide is selfish as well. I guess no one said life was fair, but come on.

On Friday morning, I woke up despondent -- a feeling I (and probably my fellow BPDs here) am very familiar with. I wrongly assumed that my BF was going to stay for the morning. He wanted to go for a run and eat breakfast. I think that's wonderful! He's taking care of himself. But all I felt was panic over the fact that he was leaving and I was going to be left alone to deal with myself, all by myself, and the understanding that he was only going to his house to do his own thing for a few hours was out of my reach at the intensity I was at.

I felt like a helpless child at that point. I had no idea how to communicate to him that I didn't want him to go. Words just started coming out of my mouth, trying to get across how I feel. How do I explain?! I was having a difficult time registering the moment. I just started comparing situations to what was happening (e.g. "but the last time I wanted to do something while you were sleepy, I stayed to cuddle with you instead") as if he could figure out what I was upset about. Obviously he wasn't getting it. This frustrated me. I felt like he wasn't listening. So, in order to communicate that I was frustrated and I wanted him to listen, I started punching myself in the face. He threw up his hands and told me that he was going to go take care of himself. I heard my front door open, close. I ran to my window and began franticly banging on it to get his attention. He ignored me. I heard the car start and that tipped my emotions over the edge. There was no thought anymore. I was completely primal.

I started running as fast as I possibly could to catch up with him. Mind you, I was only wearing a tank top, no bra lol, and I threw on some jeans. I was crying hysterically whilst sprinting down the street barefoot, only to trip and fall on my face. I landed right on my nose -- which, naturally, started bleeding all over the place -- jumped up and collapsed on my lawn completely defeated. I must have looked like a bat out of hell because two cars slowed down as they passed me.

Apparently he was only going to drive around the block because he wanted to give me a few minutes to cool down and collect myself. He didn't see me fall, so when he pulled up next to me he was horrified thinking that I stabbed myself. I was having a difficult time trying to speak, so I just stayed quiet. All I was feeling was shame and embarrassment.

I say awful things out of anger and sadness. Awful. I honestly can't even recognize myself when I'm acting like that, and it disgusts me. But yes, I am very abusive verbally. I will say the most depraved things just to show how much pain I am in, as well as an attempt to get that person to feel the level of pain that I'm at. In that moment, anything that is around me has the potential of being completely destroyed. I have a very faint memory of kicking and punching the dashboard in his car and.. biting the seats? (wtf? )

No one deserves to be treated like that. At least, I do not have the right to treat someone like that. That's not who I want to be. If I could change, I would. Believe me. I'm doing everything I can with therapy right now.

I love my boyfriend more than anything in this world. He is the only person who has stayed with me despite all of this. I would never EVER dream of speaking to him the way I have when in that state of mind, but that's how I react when I'm upset, alas. It's something I'm trying to change. People forget that pwBPD act that way for a reason... most were probably abused in the same way they are now acting out. It's learned. It's life. Survival.

I wish I could just be me. I am a very caring person and am grateful for this life. My goal is to spend life giving back to the earth. But I got this parasite latched onto my brain, you see... It's been feeding since my childhood, and is now destroying my life. I hate the fact that I have unstable relationships. I wish I had the energy to form some meaningful friendships. I hate the ugly words that come out of my mouth sometimes. I often think people would be so much better off without me.

My boyfriend thinks I am a beautiful person. Maybe he's out of his mind, too.

I'm just rambling... reply if you can relate, I guess.

I'm sorry about what you went through bright. I know how hellish it feels to be that triggered.
Nons unfortunately often have a sad misconception that walking away to let the person "cool down" is actually a good idea in situations like that. When I got to the part of your story where he was walking out I was thinking "oh no!" because to me it's obvious how horrible that must feel to a BPDer who's feeling triggered at that moment and tried to express her feelings in a roundabout way (i.e. the self punching). In a way it all really just boils down to communication. I think at times like that it's important to try to hold on to the idea that not understanding isn't the same as not caring.
Maybe you could try showing your post, or part of it to your bf or otherwise write letters to him to make him better understand what was/is going on in different situations.

At any rate, I assure you that things can get better with time and therapy.

I think you did a great service to many Non's by posting that bright.eyes! It is very difficult for many Non's to wrap their mind around how it all works. If I didn't have a couple of occasions where I have felt completely enraged/threatened/fearful from someone relentlessly pushing buttons (and the regret and shame afterward), I'm not sure I would have such an easy time relating to how it must feel for you and others.

As Shaky said, a lot of Non's typically react in the manner that would best work for them (e.g., "cool down"). Without the abandonment fears and anxiety that you feel, it seems like the best options for conflict resolution and I can tell you first hand, it feels absolutely terrible (to the Non) once they discover that doing that makes the person they love feel even worse.

Does your boyfriend know about your struggles with BPD? There are techniques he could learn that would help you both during those moments.

I see the desperation in your post but try to remember that you are on the path toward becoming you, healing and being able to better control this. It can be a difficult process but things will get better! The love you displayed in your post and your awareness and courage throughout all of this certainly shows what a beautiful person you are.

bright.eyes wrote:This is gonna be a doozy...

Yah think!

I'm just so tired of all the nons who think people with BPD are these diabolic monsters. It makes me feel like I'm a worthless person who doesn't deserve to be here. But of course, suicide is selfish as well. I guess no one said life was fair, but come on.

You're definetely NOT worthless, and I'm glad you're here!!!! I wish you posted more..
By-the-way, how's your turtle and lizard doing? I still love that thread.

*************
(Regarding the next couple of paragraphs) I think most of us (certainly me), have these moments where panic kicks in, and emotions are intense and we become easily unstable by either saying or doing things that we'll regret later. We're not fully rational in the moment so it becomes difficult to communicate our feelings, and then when they don't get it things become worse. While, I'm not giving you any real advice here, because I have none, I just want you to be aware that you're not alone. Try not to beat yourself up over this.

I started running as fast as I possibly could to catch up with him. Mind you, I was only wearing a tank top, no bra lol, and I threw on some jeans.

OK..This.... (People are thinking Christ what is he going to say)....could've been much better by substituting panties for jeans.... My eyes would've literally fell out of my head.

I was crying hysterically whilst sprinting down the street barefoot, only to trip and fall on my face. I landed right on my nose -- which, naturally, started bleeding all over the place -- jumped up and collapsed on my lawn completely defeated. I must have looked like a bat out of hell because two cars slowed down as they passed me.

This isn't funny, and I do hope that you're ok!!!

I say awful things out of anger and sadness. Awful. I honestly can't even recognize myself when I'm acting like that, and it disgusts me. But yes, I am very abusive verbally. I will say the most depraved things just to show how much pain I am in, as well as an attempt to get that person to feel the level of pain that I'm at. In that moment, anything that is around me has the potential of being completely destroyed. I have a very faint memory of kicking and punching the dashboard in his car and.. biting the seats? (wtf? )

This is definetely not uncommon with a lot of us. This goes hand in hand with what I was writing above, as the intensitiy of the situation arises we just don't have the emotional coping skills to adapt to the situation, and resort to saying/doing things that we regret later. The same is true with memory. The more intense, the less likely to be remembered.

I wish I had some sort of great advice such as do this or do that, and everything will go away, but unfortunately I don't. I did want to take the time to at least respond, and let you know that you aren't alone. Unfortunately, when these episodes occur it masks the true person that we are and the people in our lives lose sight of that. From the posts I've read of yours, and the little we've talked you are a caring and nice person to chat with. That is the real you!!!!