Death of a loved one

For years I've been battling with myself and the world.
For years I've been so desperate for someone to understand me, and nobody does.
They just say, theres nothing wrong with you or nothing wrong with your life. Then I'm left feeling like I'm just making things up.

I thought I was all alone in this world with my thoughts. I had a thought there might be something wrong with me.

I found this forum and I cried. Some of these posts are like written by me! It was like someone had switched the light on in a dark room; I'm not alone!

I'm actually waiting for someone to contact me about doing assessment on me. The waiting is making me anxious.

There is so much up in the air. My partners mum died just over a week ago and this has brought up everything to the surface.
I understand that he is grieving, of course he is. And I can't even imagine what he must be going through. But he is blocking me out and it of course sets me off. He doesnt want me. I'm not needed in his life. He doesnt trust me enough to let me be close to him. How selfish am I???
Thoughts like, now that he only has his dad left, he chooses him over me.
Thoughts like, he never loved me, and now I have to just learn to be on my own.
Thoughts like, I've learned from this sad event that when I kill myself I'll take care of my stuff first. I'll sell all my furniture, disappear somewhere and do it by myself so that there is nothing for anyone to take care of. Wouldnt want to be a burden after my death since nobody loves me anyway.
At the same time if I dont hear from him, panic sets off, is he OK, has he fallen to bits, why is he not speaking to me, is he surviving, what is he doing right this moment why doesnt he want to come over and just see me for five minutes. Panic, loss of focus, cant do my work, sit there next to my phone, text him, no reply, pull back, he might just be sleeping, you are over reacting, calm down. Talk to someone to take mind off, next minute, back to my phone.

I wrote myself a note in a moment of senseness and I keep it in my wallet. I read it when it gets really bad. But I cant keep going on like this. Not only that I make his grieving impossible, I'm driving him away and I'm making myself miserable.

I actually left him before this happened.
I kept trying to leave him in several occasions, just to be back with him the next day. I think he got quite tired of it so we ended up going on "a break."
It never actually hit me until I read about the fear of abandonment and loneliness. I didnt think I was afraid of it. I spend a lot of time alone and am quite independent. Until I read one of the threads here and it just hit me: I try to leave him for one reason only! So that he wouldnt leave me! Because I couldnt stand being abandoned by him so I choose to do it myself, at least its my choice then and my control! Although I want nothing more than to be with him forever.

I miss his mum too. But I've been left alone to grieve. I have no family in this country, his family was my family and now I've been left out.

This is driving me insane!

Hi,

I hope you continue to learn more about BPD and how it affects you and gain a sense of power over your emotions.


I read your post, and it sounds very familiar and i understand what you must be going through.
There is one thing i wanted to point out, and forgive me for being somewhat emotionless...but:

I try to leave him for one reason only! So that he wouldnt leave me!

Although very romantic and a powerful sentiment...........this is an exampe of black and white thining.....

You didn't leave him for one reason........you left him for hundreds. You chose him for hundreds......it may be true, you ended your relationship because of fear, but you also chose it because of fear. You stayed in it because of fear and you enjoyed it because of fear..........and you experienced it, with fear...........

This person, is just a person. You shared a lot with....and perhaps the ending of your relationship was a mistake. Only you can know that.....

But don't make the equally dangerous mistake, of idealising this person because your time with them has seemed to end.
Don't make the mistake, of blaming all your relationship woes on BPD and yourself...........things weren't perfect and even if you get 100% cured tomorrow, things won't be perfect.

It's very easy for us, to have one "thing" we need or want...........and generally for us, it's usually relationships......but you cannot define yourself by your relationship. Good or bad......ongoing or over......learning about BPD and yourself, involves a degree of de-mystifying and de-romanticising your relationships.


It can be about exploring your needs and your emotions, and understanding why you are so powerfully drawn to the ideas and beliefs you hold. However shifting............

Oh my god you are so right!
I do somehow imagine that if we stay together after all this is over and move on, I will get myself sorted and he will get over the worst bereavement, our life will turn to be the perfect life and we will live happily ever after. Instantly!

Of course that will not be the case!

Why is it that I want things now now now.... From one extreme to another. I imagine that I just need to click my fingers and it will all change the way I want it to. Its like I cant see anything being in the middle, ordinary life. Everything should be either fantastic or totally miserable.
If we are not in love like you are when you first start going out with each other, we should break up. It's ridiculous.

I wonder if moving house every year has something to do with the chaos that is in my head. I've moved 16 times. I've moved pretty much every year since I was 16.

I just want to be able to let him have his space and grieve in peace without having to think he has to have energy to deal with me! I want to give him that place to come to when you know you dont have to take care of anyone, when you know you can just come and relax and be content. I want him to feel like that about me, not that he has to be some sort of care taker and all this sorrow going on, I really dont want to burden him anymore. But at the same time I panic if I dont hear from him or if he doesnt want to come to me and let me be there to comfort him.