I think my husband is BPD

I'm so at my wits end! I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with my husband for years. We've been married for 12. In the beginning of our relationship I thought it was purly a drug and alcohal problem. He quit the drugs but was a raging alcohalic for the first 2 years of our relationship. I told him I would not marry him until he stopped drinking. He stopped, we married and now after 12 years of trying to self-diagnose him (he knows there is SOMETHING wrong with him but he refuses to go in and have himself evaluated) I am so close to leaving him. I just can't take it any more!!!! I'm sorry if I have a long list her, but I'll give some examples:

ADHA - he has the attention span of a two year old - and yet he can sit and read a book for hours at a time. He HAS to be doing more than one thing at a time. If we watch a movie he has to be reading (or talking - which bugs the heck out of me) at the same time.

He is extremely intelligent but acts like he has no rational common sense what-so-ever. I just cannot figure out how someone who not only KNOWS he's smart, but makes sure I know how smart he is can be so commonly stupid!!!

I his CONSTANTLY braging about himself to me. Not just of things he has just done, but of things he did as a child, teenager and young adult. He lives in the past as though it just happened.

He has emotion over load. He is super hyper emotional. When he is happy - he is overboard. When he's angry, you better not be in his way. No, he has never hit me, but I am the one who takes ALL of his verbal abuse. If he is sad (about his dad dying 28 years ago for example) he cries like there is no tomorrow.

He throws the biggest pity parties!

He had a 2 year affair with my best friend. why did I not divorce him????? I should have but it so emotionaly crippled me that I couldn't. Now I regret it immensly.

I am blamed for EVERYTHING. Always, it always my fault. The computer runs slow - it's my fault. He's hungry, it's my fault. He didn't sleep well, it's my fault.

He is a compulsive eater. I've never seen anyone eat like him. From sun up to sun down that's all he does is eat, eat, eat.

He always has to be compulsive at something. It was alcohal & sex , then work, then gambling, the spending, but always eating. And of course it's always my fault.

He's a MAJOR hypocondriack (no idea how to spell that) but whatever is going around - he just knows he has it and it's the worst case ever known to man. I do not give him ANY sympathy because he is the boy who cried wolf. There is rarely anything truly wrong with him.

He is in constant need of attention. If it's not because he is "sick" then it's because he's done something wonderful.

He's an absolute SLOB. He's not home very often and I just dred him coming home because it means he's going to tear the house apart in a matter of minutes and laugh at me because my nice clean house is a mess.

I feel like I'm going banana's!!!! I can't take it any more! My kids (from my first marriage - thank GOD the Good Lord didn't give us any kids together!!!) Use to think of him as Dad - and now don't really like him much at all because he's an "A-HOLE" in their words.

I can't get him to go and get help - although he KNOWS there is something wrong with him. He just left for the week again. His job is over as of October 1, which means he'll be home full time. I CANNOT TAKE HIM BEING HOME FULL TIME!!!!! I feel like I'm the one going nuts.

Here is a prime example. He's a 39 year old 260 lb man. He was sitting down trying to pet my 6 pound dog (who is scared to death of him). She ran from him because she is scared and he started crying and said "I don't know what is worse - having a dog that is scared of me or having a dog that is dead." A year ago, we had to put our dog to sleep because he was extremly aggressive and attacked my daughter on more than one occasion. It was HIS idea to put him to sleep. I just wanted to take him to the pound where they could evaluate him and decide if he would do better in a different home. Then he begged me NOT to put him to sleep. The dog was way too dangerous to have around my daughter. After talking to 2 vets, 2 vet techs and 1 dog trainer we all decided (other than my husband) that he had to be to sleep. And then I had to put up with my husbands verbal abuse about it for MONTHS. Until finally my dad and my sister put him in his place. He's been pretty quiet about it since then but yesterday was another example of him living in the past and throwing it in my face about the dog.

The he tells our dog that we have now that he loves her and will never hurt her, then he grabs her by the lease and reels her in laughing at how she is trying to get away from him. It just burns me up. I'm crying now because he then says it's my fault and I'm nutty. And he's going to bring home a big ol' mans dog next time he comes home. How could he do that????????? He knows how scared my daughter is of big dogs!!!!! He knows how scared our little dog will be!!!!!

He constantly lives in the past. Life was so much better - he was such and awsome baseball player, he was so smart in school, he had so many girl friends.. on and on and on.

HELP ME PLEASE!!! I'm going nuts living with this man!!!

Oh, and I think I forgot to mention his ability to turn his hyper emotions on and off like a light switch. He'll be fine, then one word out of my mouth that does not come out in a tone that he likes and BAHM~he explodes and yells and cusses and tells me how horrible I ALWAYS am and goes on and on and on. And as soon as he is done - he's all better - all smiles - as if nothing ever happened. I'm of course upset and angry, but that doesn't matter - I just need to get over it.

Hello Mwend,

Well done for taking the courage to write so much, you are clearly overwhelmed by it all, but I am very positive that their will be light at the end of your tunnel. You have great guts that you are still with him and your instincts are playing a major role in your coping with this situation.

I have BPD and I realise the torment I caused my wife over the past 3 years and I knew something was wrong, so I went to a psychoanalyst and he diag. me as BPD. I bought a book for my wife called "stop walking on eggshells" and it is helping her realise what is all about me. I know I don't want to be a borderline but it answered alot of her questions I couldnt answer. I am not saying your husband has BPD and I think it will ease both of your minds that he does get examined. Maybe it will help him, but I know it wont be easy for both of you. For me, I feel men feel too proud to see doctors, but really encourage him and dont give up. You are on the right road and only time will tell to see the outcome of it all. The only thing that is keeping your relationship together it seems, that you love eachother and you need eachother. Good luck and write back.

Best Wishes

PoisonOakley
aka. ButterflyBPD
aka Ray

Website: butterfly.greenmile.at

I already have that book and I have not gotten too far in it, but I bought it based soley on the title. I feel like I walk on eggshells constatnly because I don't want to set off his emotions - in ANY direction. This is how I've come to my unprofessional conclusion that he is BPD.

Where you are wrong here is that love and need are NOT two things that would describe how I feel about him. I actually plan to leave him after my youngest graduates high school in 2007. I just need to cope for now and many, many days, I don't know if I can.

We WON'T go to the Dr. I read him a list of symptoms of adult ADD once. He has every single symptom. He came UNGLUED and angry and insulted. He as SO MAD at me for pointing out that he has ADD. So I don't ask, I don't prod and I don't expect for him to get evaluated. He'll just get mad and then I get called all kinds of names and every single flaw I have gets pointed out and thrown in my face and I just don't care enough about him to live through that crap again. So for right now I just need to cope. I've got 20 months before my daughter graduates and if in the mean time a miracle happens and somehow God brings this marriage to a place that I can live with that Wonderful. But otherwise I plan to leave.

Thanks for your help. I've just been dealing with this for way way too many years. After repeatedly asking and begging him to get help I just don't care any more. I care about ME and MY KIDS and that's it. Living with this garbage will contribute to a person reevaluate what really matters.

Mary

Mary,

I can sympathize on both sides really. For me, anything that was negetive towards me, I didnt want to know. For your husband, I think he is afraid to see a doctor, to realize that this is very serious for both of you. I can understand that you have begged that he get help, but for some men, it is litterally impossible sometimes to make the first step! It took me 3 years to go to the doctor. Why? FEAR. My condition disarmed myself, disarmed my real feelings, disarmed the person who wanted to live and be loved and disarmed my real thoughts with destructive, raging, compulsive thoughts. I rejected everything and everyone, because I felt unloved, undervalued and wasted, but that wasn't really true, because I was ill, I saw darkness before the light and it was a vicious circle. I then became extremely guilty of my actions or having thought something dreadful, or masterbated out of loneliness.

It is also dangerous that you are self diagnosing him, but in your position, I understand that you are desperate to get out and live another life.

I want to tell you that ever your husband does bad to you, it is not real or true, it is a serious mental condition that neiter you or him can control until you set an ultimatum of what you want and what you expect from him. Set the ultimatum on paper and stick to it. He has to understand the conseqeunces of not seeing a doctor. Thats the first step. Dont wait 20 months to struggle and cope, who knows what can happen in 20 months. I know you want to take the focus off of him and you are right in one way, but you have to ask yourself, what is it that you really want to achieve in this situation. If he ends up getting help, would you stay with him or do you feel you dont want to waste another misunderstood nerve from both sides, even as he goes through therapy/medication.

At the end of the day, we are all human beings, even if we have a mental illness, we have the right to be helped in the right way and the right method, if you husband isnt going to get help, call an ambulance and have him forced to a psyciatric-hospital. That will be the biggest favour you can do for him.

Good luck!
Ray

Wow, I guess I never really thought about it being as serious as calling an ambulance and having him committed. I have shut off all my feelings toward him because I have been so emotionally battered by him for YEARS that it's not worth it to me to feel anything towards him. I know that is something I need to deal with. Don't get me wrong - he's really the only one I've shut off feelings for and I have no real idea of how I did that - I guess is a coping mechanism.

My main problem is that I am a Christian - and I have made a vow to stay with him for better or for worse- in sickness and in health. I just have this weight on my shoulders about it. However in my mind I can always go back to the bible where is says the only valid reason for divorce is infidelity - and his 2 year affair with my best friend takes care of that! I can divorce him and God would understand. But that is the ONLY reason I want out. I feel like MY mental health as well as the mental healt of my two teenage children are very much at risk by staying with someone who has no control over their emotions what-so-ever.

The problem with having him committed is it's taken 15 years for people to see that he may have some mental problems. My family, my friends - I've just lived with it but now I'm acting out and maybe I'M looking like the one with mental problems! However, one of my friends did tell me that her cousins new husband golfed with my husband on legue and said - man, is he hyper, crazy and weird! As strange as it sounds - I was GLAD to hear that. For so many years I thought the problem was with ME! He always told me it was. So I beleived him! So if I try to have HIM committed - as messed up in the head as he is, he will probably turn around and try and have ME committed!

Anyway, got to run - you have given me a lot to think about.

Maey

Hi Mary,

Having a borderline comitted, can sometimes help. This is because that they are having to face the consequences of the way they behave.

Good luck,

Hi...I read all this and I just don't know how you dealt with it this long. I'm 31 years old and I just got married 6 months ago after only 7 months of knowing my husband...It was too soon...He was the kindest, most understanding man until we got married...he still is sometimes but now he goes off on me al the time..He yells, screeams, threatens to hurt me, insults, blames me, swares, even hit me a few times...he alway rationalized after, saying I brought it on myself...:'-(

He feels criticized all the time and says I'm unappreciative..

When he plans something and we end up not doing it, he gets depresssed and in his own bubble for a day, barely talking and getting stressed and worked up for anything...

After we got married, he started asking me if I wanted to get into the swinging lifestyle to experiment with him...I thought it would be fun but he's now completely obsessed with it..If we don't go to a swingers club every weekend, he gets so angry, saying I'm a stick in his wheels...He once threatened me to make my life hell and disconnect from me if we didn't do it as much as he wanted..

It happened three times that I felt I was on extacy when I went with him to the swingers club but I never took anything...Then when I tell him, he gets mad, saying that I'm speculating and accusing him of putting something in my drink...I never told him I thought it was him, but I do...I don't trust him anymore...

Last weekend I was sick on antibiotics so we couldn't go to a swingers club he likes...at first he said not to feel bad...but then he stopped talking to me for the hole evening. When I asked him why he disconnected he says I'm criticizing...then the next day he tries to mak things better but he gets mad everytime I say something. I was cooking dinner and he just started barating me, saying next time he's find a couple who will take him to the club if I didn't want to go...that I was lazy, and calling me names, saying that even if I were sick I should've just went with him, not drink, and watch people. I tried to burn my hand on the pan I was cooking and then put his own hand in it to burn himself.

I added him to my bank account when we got married, because I trusted him...and now he has total control over my spending...I'm so foolish...

Everyone thinks he's so good and nice and everything...I can't tell this to anybody...

I want the verbal and physical abuse to stop..I do still love him for when he is kind...but I need to know how to deal with him...

The only thing that works is saying that I'm sorry for 3 hours...

Someone help me...((

blury wrote:I do still love him for when he is kind...but I need to know how to deal with him...

The only thing that works is saying that I'm sorry for 3 hours...

Someone help me...((

Here is something for your, dear blury - a link to a brilliant piece of reading
post434691.html#p434691

and a readers digest from an excellent, knowledgeable source on the subject of your interest:

" So here's your answers......you can't deal with him. He's not looking for a deal........he's looking to rule you, not because he loves you, but because he wants to control you....like a videogame character. "

" WHat you need to realise, is you don't understand mental illness.

I do. I am mentally ill. Pathogen does.....that other guy probably does.

And what we're all telling you, is that you need to leave. Things aren't going to get better, ever. Things will only get worse. "

by Twistedmister from post434691.html#p434691 <=== read the whole topic, please...