New 'round here

Hello,

I found this board by doing some searches for bpd and jealousy. I am a 27 year old and have been diagnosed with bpd for 6 years. I see a therapist occasionally, but not regularly since graduating college and loosing the on-campus access. I have been with my current gf for almost 8 years (anniv is in a few weeks actually).

I proposed to her a number of years ago (4), and she said yes, but she doesn't want to actually commit because I make such a habit of breaking up with her. She doesn't see how we can say we are going to spend forever together when I can't go a year without trying to pack my bags.

Though I struggle with a lot of aspects of bpd, there are two that I am struggling to deal with right now. First, is my explosive temper. She has mentioned that she doesn't feel like she can bring up problems or disagree with me because she never knows when I will explode on her. She knows she isn't in any physical danger or anything like that, but I just fly into these rages and storm out of the house and am gone for hours.

Second, I struggle with jealousy. I found this board searching the internet for bpd and jealousy help. I am jealous of everyone and everything - always have been. If I have a friend who chooses to spend time with someone else other than me, I get angry. If I call them and say "lets get lunch" and they tell me they already have plans, I won't call them for another month - and not even realize it. With her, I struggle because she is a bit of a work a holic. She once told a friend, while sitting right next to me, that she works so much because she has "nothing to come home to". She'll work 4 or 5 extra hours a day sometimes, not getting paid or even really asked to by her boss. Her boss knows if she asks my gf to stay late or come in on her day off, my gf will do it. My gf will often "work from home" doing projects on her day off. So, I am jealous of her boss, and her coworkers. She is also very good friends with her boss. I am ok friends with the woman - nothing really wrong with her, friendly, funny, etc. But, this friendship doesn't help my jealousy.

The struggle I have in finding help for this is that I am NOT afraid she is going to cheat on me with her boss or coworkers. I am just upset that she would rather spend time with them then me. For example, today is her day off, yet she went out to breakfast with her boss until noon (I didn't go because I am not feeling well), and then went over to her house around 5, saying she would be home in a few hours. I texted her around 7 and asked when she was coming home, and she said "soon". It's now 8pm. Assuming she doesn't eat dinner there, when she gets home she'll have time to eat, shower, and then go to bed for work tomorrow - meaning I got 5 hours of her time today. This fills me with deep seated rage and anger at her and at her boss, for "stealing" her time.

Another example of my crazy thinking - she comes to me and says "Boss and I are going to breakfast on Saturday, do you want to come?" and I got really mad. I'd been practicing controlling my anger so I just said I'd think about it and walked away. I tried to order my thoughts and find a calm way to explain to her why I was upset. Here is why: to me, it should be me and my gf going to breakfast, and then if it's ok we invite Boss. I shouldn't be the "afterthought". The main pair should be "me and gf" not "gf and boss" or "gf and other friend". She couldn't really understand what I was trying to say.

I guess - the whole point of this ramble is to say hello, please tell me i'm not the only crazy person who has these issues, and that there is hope that it gets better.

Welcome, Im only really new here too. I only started posting today.

I know the feeling you have.
Here is my example:
My bf and I have been together years, when im feeling low, I seem to go through periods of not leaving the house for weeks! My bf trys to stay with me as much as he can but does go to visit friends maybe a few nights a week.
Well after one of these hermit periods for me, I started suggesting we go and do a few things together again. To get me up and going. Or even something simple, few drinks with a few friends and a dvd night??
So a few weeks later, still we had done nothing but a usual boring night on the couch, every night! I then found a text from the phone to one of his "friends". Asking her to go for drinks in one of his friends houses to get her mind off things.. not in our house, but a friends??
Immediatly I lost it.. Brain began working like a train: Why is he asking her to go and never askes me to do things, why is he inviting her there and not here, why does he want to help her not me, why d oes he never recognise i need help but does with her......
I drove myself crazy that night especially !

It is that feeling I assumed you meant In the breakfast with boss

I'm not new, and welcome to the forum. A lot of us will be able to relate to what you experience. So stick around read topics, and post topics...

take care,
cbox

i'm jealous that you have gf...seriously...
but i'm drunk now, so you shouldn't listen to me b/c i wouldn't listen myself

Welcome! Good chatting with you.

yoa wrote:i'm jealous that you have gf...seriously...
but i'm drunk now, so you shouldn't listen to me b/c i wouldn't listen myself

Yoa, this is hilarious and makes me laugh everytime I read it. Thank you!

anytime cbox

and welcome sealion...