I feel like this is it (probably triggering)

About three weeks ago my ex and I broke up. I moved out and to a different state to live with my sister. Since I moved, I've been in the hospital once. I started reading a book that seemed to have helped a little.

But then my emotions caught up with me. The loneliness set in. The lack of friends and support, primarily during the day. I started isolating. I hate getting up in the morning knowing I have a day of pain and fear to face, but I can't stay in bed because the nightmares are too real to handle. Now all I do is cry, or try to distract myself so I don't cry. When I saw my therapist for the first time, I was too confused to portray what was really going on. Now I know I will just end up crying the entire session. She seems a little clueless - fresh out of DBT training. She has a fist full of expensive jewelry on her fingers.

I keep thinking about suicide. I used to be too afraid to do it... I still am, for the most part, but with all the pain I feel, I can feel that fear subsiding into acceptance into a realization of why the suicide rate for this disorder is 10%. I've struggled with this disorder nearly my entire life. The more time goes on... the more progressed it gets, the less I believe there will be anything of me left to salvage. I don't want to struggle with this any longer.

Atomic, you are going to make it through this, and we are all here for you to help you and give you support. Every time that I have had a relationship end it has pushed me to the thought of suicide, unfortunately I think that may be fairly normal for us. I know you can't say it now, but there will be other relationships, and she will get it right one day and you will be glad that this relationship didn't work. You're life is too precious to give up. Please keep checking in with us to let us know that you are okay.

I'm glad you posted, atomic. I know you are hurting so bad, and we have all been where you are. It's good you are in DBT--give your therapist a chance. There are therapists who have practiced for 30 years who suck and brand new ones you are great at their jobs.

I think it's really good that you have been reading. Keep as busy as possible. Go for walks when you can. Get some crayons and a coloring book and color while drinking hot tea (one of my go-to pasttimes when I am feeling very sad). Keep up your journal, and keep reaching out here.

Take care.

Hi atomic...

I'm sorry about the way you feel, and I can understand the upheaval and the confusion of the thoughts and feelings that you have.

Last year, my family plucked me out of the psych ward, took me home to WV (7 states from where I was, and 7 years after living away), brought me home, and I just felt like I had no idea where to start. Since then, I got divorced, went to day-hospital (partial hospitalization), see a therapist, and am on some medication - but its a day by day thing.

I know that when any of us are overstimulated by negative feelings, we can usually get to a really low point where it feels like we cannot go on.

I do know that with the posts that you have put on here, that you are strong, and you do have a lot of self-worth.

We are here for you, and we are listening. I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out, but maybe a goal to set might be to get a part-time job, to get your mind off of what is going on, and to give you a reason to get out of bed? Doesn't have to be anything huge, but just something that you might like to do, just to feel like you have a purpose.

I had a serious problem of being jobless when I came home. I felt so bad about myself that I sank deeper into depression, but it DID seriously get better once I had a job (even though I hated my job). It forced me to get out and meet new people, and also gave me a purpose.

My best to you, and of course, *MANY HUGS*

<3

AMP