Need a pick me up please

Guys, this divorce just gets worse and worse.

Diagnosed bpd in May and now bipolar too.

Not dealing with anything well.

Children removed from house because they can't handle tension between me and husband. Not legally removed, just staying at in-laws till things ...I dont know...get better? They don't want to see me right now. Apparently it's too much for them.

Started job in June...the only thing keeping me going...working ten hour shifts...just killing myself at work so I don't have to come home to a house without my children but coming home to a resentful husband.

Can't move out for at least another three weeks. Just a really sucky toxic situation.

Do NOT want to go back to psych unit. Please...someone make me laugh. I just want to stop crying. I keep it together at work...but I just lose it when get home.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TVand then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inchpaper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog."

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy asassination/ UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's
gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the
Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim
it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

and one more...

Read this entire list to someone.

hope it works!!

Thanks Wineaux. Please keep them coming.... I have feeling many us need laugh.

Wineaux, I want to hug you (if that were ok with you) and send you a giant piñata stuffed with all of your favorite things. I have had just a terrible, terrible day and you did the impossible: you made me giggle. Thank you.

I love hugs!! And humor is something that I cannot live without. And I'm seriously going to instill some of these into my daily routine.

i want to hug you too...and thank you for sharing with us

Hmm now I want a glass eye so I can tap it

Wineaux, your list scares me. Not because of the weird things on it, but because of how many I've done!

Name your dog "Dog."

We had a girl I used to work with at the restaurant who had two cats, Cfer (pronounced See'-fer) and Whitey. Cfer's full name was "C Fer Cat". Yes, that was its real name. Whitey's full name was "The Little White Slut".

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim
it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

We took this one step further. Me and the aforementioned cat owner would change our name tags during a shift. So there I am, this 6', 200lb guy, I'd walk up to the table and with an absolutely straight face say "Hi, my name is Amy, I'll be your server tonight." She did the same.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the
Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Me and the bartender used to do this one all the time; our favourite was "Don't Worry, Be Happy". At the beginning of the shift, we'd declare the song of the day, and then plant the seeds and wait to see how many people were humming it as they left. As they said so eloquently in the movie Waiting, "don't f*ck with people that handle your food."

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

I work in IT; we do this on a daily basis!

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Yeah, I've been doing this one for years. I've also gotten good at dodging swinging arms shortly thereafter.

Drum on every available surface.

Isn't that what surfaces are for?

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

I just about choked reading this one! Too funny!

Honk and wave to strangers.

The funny thing is that they wave back and then get that look on their face when they realize they don't know you from Adam.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

I can do one better. My bike is an ex-police bike. Since I don't have the money to repaint it yet, it's still police black & white. ANY time I pull over to do anything (check something, put on rainsuit, whatever), everybody just slows right down. Half the time, I'll pull over just to watch them do it!

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

I have to try this one!!

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

As an old friend of mine said,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
And some don't.

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Done this one, too. Don't remember if we did it 50 times, but it sure as hell was a lot. It was Manfred Mann's cover of "Blinded By The Light". The owner ended up unplugging the jukebox after about the fifth or sixth round. Spoilsport!

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

This was Skippy-ism #7! I love that list. http://skippyslist.com/list/

For those of you have not yet run across it, there is an "off-topic" forum on these boards, with a "just for fun" section. I have found this can be a good place to decompress and get a laugh.

OMG, this was AWESOME!!!

Thank you!!!

I had a good day, but a laugh always makes things sunnier. And it rained cats and dogs today.

BD, you're not going back to the psych ward. You have 3 weeks to get through, and then you can begin the rest of your life. Just hang on, hold tight, and believe that this won't last forever. Your soon to be ex will be out of your life, and then you can decide what kind of evening you would like to have EVERY time you come home from work :0).

**hugs**

AMP