BPDs... If you were a Non...

i just thought this would make an interesting question... i know a lot of PDed people complain about the nons who pop up now and then, but how would it be if things were reversed? - If your partner turned out to have a PD (or any other mental health issue) - what would be OK with you?

would some disorders be ok and others not? what about issues... any deal breakers? do you think your own disorder would give you a hard time dealing with them talking about theirs etc...?

katana wrote:i just thought this would make an interesting question... i know a lot of PDed people complain about the nons who pop up now and then, but how would it be if things were reversed? - If your partner turned out to have a PD (or any other mental health issue) - what would be OK with you?

would some disorders be ok and others not? what about issues... any deal breakers? do you think your own disorder would give you a hard time dealing with them talking about theirs etc...?

I'd try to be understanding, but I'm sure I would have deal breakers. The main ones that would come to mind would be narcissism, schizoid (especially given that they generally don't want to be in relations, so we'd probably have never gotten together in the first place) and schizophrenia. Then again, from what I've read, if I were normal, I'd probably be a little scared of Borderlines, too, so it's hard to say with any certainty.

I didn't know I was hard on non's here. I really don't try to be. To any non's reading this, if I've been hard on you, I really am sorry. I promise, if I say anything bad about you, it's not intentional; I don't want to scare you off or anything like that. Forgive me?

GREAT POST!

I guess the deal breakers for me would involve whether or not my partner could hold a job and support their part in the household. I guess that sounds bad coming from someone who just lost their job 2 weeks ago, but I applied for So many jobs, and I got one yesterday, and I still have 3 more interview this week. So, even though I became unemployed, I busted my a$$ to get back in the saddle, and I would want my partner to share that same work ethic.

I dont think I would be scared to be in a relationship with a BPD person because I am one, and I think that would kind of be a good relationship because we would understand the ups and downs. But then again, there could be so much volatility that it may self-digress. I dunno.

I couldn't see a relationship working out FOR ME (not speaking for others) with a DID or schizophrenic. I don't think I would honestly have the patience, and I would lack the empathy to make it work.

AMP

I don't think I could deal with a partner who has a PD, tbh. And I can't imagine what it would be like to be a Non, because I see everything through my BPD filter, that life without it is unimaginable. Also psychotic or delusional disorders would probably completely unhinge me - I don't think I can be as understanding, nor would I be able to deal with their problems. At the end of the day, I'm far too selfish to be the carer of another person with mental health problems. (Note- I don't count AS as a mental health problem)

i actually think i could live with schizophrenia, as long as the person isn't violent (i think it's an interesting way of seeing the world). i could even live with aspd, as long as the person was aware that he or she was (i am bi-sexual, so the naming of two genders is necessary; it could be either) and knew how to channel some of the traits in non-harmful ways (ex: used the cold logic and detachment to problem solve, as in sherlock holmes )

the main deal-breaker for me is active abuse (regardless of pd or lack of it); someone who tries to break my spirit, for any reason. i know from experience i won't put up with it, though it sometimes takes me a long time to identify, and i often get bonded to that behavior first. once i finally see it, i'm through with it though .

Anyone with paranoid delusions I cannot handle. I was in a relationship with someone that had Schizoaffective and listening to his rants day in and day out was exhausting. You can't really a help a person in that situation when they refuse to take meds.

I think as long as the person wasn't in denial of their disorder and was actually working towards getting better, it could work.

I think when it comes to Sherlock Holmes there would probably be some genius in there to account for problem solving! not that detachment couldn't be used in slightly less impressive ways and still get somewhere even if the person is not a genius.

ireneadler999 wrote:the main deal-breaker for me is active abuse (regardless of pd or lack of it); someone who tries to break my spirit, for any reason.

ditto for me. when someone has spirit, if you love that as part of them the last thing anyone should ever want to do it break it. i guess that's one that's quite personal to me - the way i see things, because of my upbringing, i feel that the world [my parents] tried to break me. so i feel quite strongly about that.

i should answer my own question really, seeing ive asked them! i don't have any deal-breakers as far as dxes go, but i would say both people have to be self-aware and open to more self-awareness, as much mutual honesty as possible and want something genuine together, even if disorders mean either or both people have limitations in places, it doesn't have to be a barrier to sharing yourselves honestly.

i think its not true that people with PDs always = relationship nightmare, when people are self-aware and in recovery, they can end up helping each other out more than enabling.

MissAli wrote:GREAT POST!

I guess the deal breakers for me would involve whether or not my partner could hold a job and support their part in the household. I guess that sounds bad coming from someone who just lost their job 2 weeks ago, but I applied for So many jobs, and I got one yesterday, and I still have 3 more interview this week. So, even though I became unemployed, I busted my a$$ to get back in the saddle, and I would want my partner to share that same work ethic.

no, it doesn't sound bad really - in the end if 2 people are in a relationship, living together and sharing financial responsibility, if either partner doesn't manage to take responsibility, it can be unfair on their partner. i think the really important bit there is not about "being employed" or "being successful" as those are more personal needs, the important part is not taking advantage of your partner, so it is about treating each other with decency and respect, and one big difference between "interdependant" and "codependant".

i don't think it sounds bad that you say that - i have experience of both sides of irresponsibility - i've also screwed up so many times, and while i can be very hard working i also struggle to be responsible in a few ways. at the same time have ended up with friends who i'd end up picking up the bill for, - though my money wasn't "hard earned", it shows me how much impact it could have on things if it was.

I want to work towards trying to figure out a more responsible, and functional life for myself, in a way i can sustain.

moomin wrote:And I can't imagine what it would be like to be a Non, because I see everything through my BPD filter, that life without it is unimaginable.

And therein lies the problem. It's hard to imagine the mentality of someone else. Given that we have PD's, are we more sympathetic and understanding of others? Probably. However, also knowing first-hand what we can be like may make us a little more hesitant to date one of our own. It definitely makes for a biased opinion.

Fortunately, we happen to be quite good at emotionally extrapolating, so we can probably see their side more accurately than they can ours. Hey, this PD has to have some benefit, no?

It would depend..........how do they treat me?




Assuming it isn't as smooth as i would like............i would not be ok if they were disordered. No. Not if i was looking for a long term romantic relationship.
An "in love" non, is enough of a risk...........a person with a PD? PERSONALITY disorder.........


I mean, if they had traits.......or were barely disordered maybe.......but if they were fullblown like me or others on here..........no, no way on earth.
I mean, that's assuming........i was able to be rational, and wasn't hopelessly idealising them!
Oh wait, i'm a non....i don't do that anymore..........


So yeah, no way. No way at all...........did i mention, no?

The only deal breaker I can think of is if the person was legally insane and completely out of touch with reality. I wouldn't be able to handle being with a person with such a fully formed psychosis. If my partner had anything else though I would probably try to be understanding and supportive if the relationship got far enough that I became committed to the other person, whether they were mentally ill or not. It could however end in a divorce or break up if their illness got worse with time and caused the relationship to disintegrate.