Not Good ....

I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the PTSD forums ... but at this point I don't care ... hurting really bad and falling into a hard downward spiral .... help me...

I've been doing really good the past couple of days using the skills T. has been working with me on. I thought I would make it another day with that calmness. But, today PTSD and BPD had a head on collision leaving me frustrated and in pain My T. just recently switched me from seeing her twice a week to once a week for two hours straight. There's a lot of wisdom in this. We get a lot further and she's able to help me use the skills we are working on. But, when Wednesday night rolls around, lil me starts to freak out (enter BPD) she feels like T. is abandoning her and rejecting her and like T. hates her . Normally, I'm able to talk to little me and calm her down. But she didn't want me today ... she wanted T. So, I ended up contacting T. to see her tomorrow even though I wasn't supposed to again until Monday. This was the only thing I could do to make her calm down. And ... it makes me feel trapped.

If I don't talk to little me and help her anyway I can ... she hurts us and if I refuse to help her than I end up wanting to self-injure ... so I feel like I HAVE to help her. But part of the point of going to once a week was to teach me to take care of little me so that I wouldn't need T. so much.And that's been working ... I mean, I guess, for the most part it has made me feel stronger and more at peace ... now that I'm learning to help her myself. But, it makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells with myself. Constantly checking to make sure everything is okay.

Argh ... now trying to talk this out and explain it is making me start to dissociate ... I don't know what to do

That all might have sounded completely insane ... I feel trapped and defeated :

Sounds like you are getting better, but it's still hard......and you wish you were getting better faster.

-- Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:15 am --

Nothing about that suggests defeat.

Twistedmister wrote:Sounds like you are getting better, but it's still hard......and you wish you were getting better faster.

-- Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:15 am --

Nothing about that suggests defeat.

Just to be honest, this pissed me off when I first read it but gave myself some time to cool down before I responded to try to think about it ... and after I thought about it I guess you're right and realizing you're right helped me to stop dissociating ... still annoyed and frustrated with myself ... but you're right ... maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed tomorrow ... thank you!

-- Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:48 am --

We had the same day.

I could just as easily be talking to myself.

Hi Rentana
If little you wants to eat candy all day and make herself sick, will you go and buy her the candy?

You have to be the parent to the little you, not by being overly strict or overly compliant, but by being firm.

She can't go on Wednesdays, it's not possible to go play with T, because T has to go somewhere else, but she will see T on Mondays, and she gets to play for longer

See, negotiate and make a deal with her. It's not about refusing, it's about helping her not be spoiled and get her way all the time, because it won't help her in the long run.

Hope that helps

moomin wrote:Hi Rentana
If little you wants to eat candy all day and make herself sick, will you go and buy her the candy?

You have to be the parent to the little you, not by being overly strict or overly compliant, but by being firm.

She can't go on Wednesdays, it's not possible to go play with T, because T has to go somewhere else, but she will see T on Mondays, and she gets to play for longer

See, negotiate and make a deal with her. It's not about refusing, it's about helping her not be spoiled and get her way all the time, because it won't help her in the long run.

Hope that helps

This made me laugh and little me pout lol
It does help. I understand what you mean.

I've just really started embracing the idea of parenting little me this week. My T I think has been trying to get me to do it for some time ... but it made me feel crazy. My homework is to write a letter to little me every night telling her about being proud of her and telling her she did a good job, and that it's okay if she's upset and things like that ... and then I'm supposed to let her write using a marker and my left hand so it looks like a little kid's writing. All of this sounds really weird to me still ... but it's working I guess ... just significantly harder than I thought it was going to be.

I still get really angry at her when she gets upset (tell me that doesn't sound crazy) and so I guess right now she wants T's attention more than she wants me. Which sometimes makes me even MORE frustrated. It's really a very annoying cycle ...

BUT, I have to admit, doing this has made me a lot more aware of my emotions and makes it easier to identify them and figure out why I'm responding the way I am. I still get really overwhelmed sometimes ... but has definitely helped me not want self-injure

rentanaardvark wrote:This made me laugh and little me pout lol
It does help. I understand what you mean.

I've just really started embracing the idea of parenting little me this week. My T I think has been trying to get me to do it for some time ... but it made me feel crazy. My homework is to write a letter to little me every night telling her about being proud of her and telling her she did a good job, and that it's okay if she's upset and things like that ... and then I'm supposed to let her write using a marker and my left hand so it looks like a little kid's writing. All of this sounds really weird to me still ... but it's working I guess ... just significantly harder than I thought it was going to be.

I still get really angry at her when she gets upset (tell me that doesn't sound crazy) and so I guess right now she wants T's attention more than she wants me. Which sometimes makes me even MORE frustrated. It's really a very annoying cycle ...

BUT, I have to admit, doing this has made me a lot more aware of my emotions and makes it easier to identify them and figure out why I'm responding the way I am. I still get really overwhelmed sometimes ... but has definitely helped me not want self-injure

I know it's really bizarre when you first start doing it, right? But it does work if you've had some kind of err.. shall we say trauma (?) in your life. I find it helps me for a time but I got annoyed after the therapist? counsellor ? wanted to continue with it because to me, I wanted to be accountable for my actions, get control back iykwim? I'd say continue with the exercises, and be prepared for a whole load of crap and stuff bubbling to the surface. It's horrible, having to deal with things you've suppressed

moomin wrote:
I know it's really bizarre when you first start doing it, right? But it does work if you've had some kind of err.. shall we say trauma (?) in your life. I find it helps me for a time but I got annoyed after the therapist? counsellor ? wanted to continue with it because to me, I wanted to be accountable for my actions, get control back iykwim? I'd say continue with the exercises, and be prepared for a whole load of crap and stuff bubbling to the surface. It's horrible, having to deal with things you've suppressed

SOOOO happy that you know what I'm talking about! Does it make you feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time trying to monitor your little person's emotions? I got really really angry today because I got tired of trying to make her feel better! Totally understand the wanting to be accountable for your own actions ... sometimes it does feel a bit like a cop-out ... and yet it isn't otherwise I guess it wouldn't be so helpful most of the time!

In some ways, I can't tell if I'm angry at having to take care of her, or if I'm angry because it is scaring me because, as you said, "a whole lot of crap and stuff" is "bubbling to the surface" it's scarey when I do my homework of letting little me write ... she always tells me things I never really wanted to know ...

Has your T ever mentioned you having a "protector" too?

rentanaardvark wrote:SOOOO happy that you know what I'm talking about! Does it make you feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time trying to monitor your little person's emotions? I got really really angry today because I got tired of trying to make her feel better! Totally understand the wanting to be accountable for your own actions ... sometimes it does feel a bit like a cop-out ... and yet it isn't otherwise I guess it wouldn't be so helpful most of the time!

In some ways, I can't tell if I'm angry at having to take care of her, or if I'm angry because it is scaring me because, as you said, "a whole lot of crap and stuff" is "bubbling to the surface" it's scarey when I do my homework of letting little me write ... she always tells me things I never really wanted to know ...

Has your T ever mentioned you having a "protector" too?

Yeah sometimes it feels like you're dragging around an anklebiter lol, it stops you from doing stuff because you have to be aware of everything you feel, bleurgh, it gets a bit draining. It's horrible, like being stuck in quicksand sometimes, to me anyway, and I just want out and be back to how I was, it was so much easier, but stick with it, there's light at the end of the tunnel. My T never mentioned a protector, not in those terms anyway, but it was a long time ago, and I can't really remember (or maybe don't want to, lol).

moomin wrote:
Yeah sometimes it feels like you're dragging around an anklebiter lol, it stops you from doing stuff because you have to be aware of everything you feel, bleurgh, it gets a bit draining. It's horrible, like being stuck in quicksand sometimes, to me anyway, and I just want out and be back to how I was, it was so much easier, but stick with it, there's light at the end of the tunnel. My T never mentioned a protector, not in those terms anyway, but it was a long time ago, and I can't really remember (or maybe don't want to, lol).

I love your description! Especially the anklebiter part, it made me smile

The rest of the description ... yes, yes, and yes ... how do you keep going day after day? Yesterday I was angry at her but now ... I'm scared of talking to my little me ... she wants to show/tell me something that I know is going to be hard ... I don't want to listen to her ...