Putting a cap on your life

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I was convinced that I wouldn't make it to 25 years old. When I did it was a great feeling, but since then I feel like I have no motivation to carry on because I never had any plans or dreams for myself. Now I'm 26 and it's just like everything that I did before seems pointless and I don't even know if I want to get better because I'd almost rather just give up; there's no willpower in me to try. I can't imagine wanting anything for the future because it's like I wasn't supposed to make it this far.

I really hate the "life is short" cliche.

What do you mean by that?

Life is long. Real, real long. It goes on and on and on. I wish I would've had that view of it when I was young, I wouldn't be where I'm at today.

**WARNING: TRIGGER**

Life may be short, but name one thing you can do that takes longer.

Matter, I completely understand what you mean. I never really had a set age, but I always figured I'd go somewhere in my 20's. I don't know if it was a reasonable expectation at the time, or just fanciful thinking, but I never expected to go the distance. I figured (and almost hoped) that I'd mouth off to the wrong person in some bar and take a knife or a bullet to the chest. A few times, the thought of doing it myself crossed my mind...well, okay, more than a few. But I'm still here.

But I'm not here forever. As I got older, I developed a plan. It's a long plan, and it's hard to last it, but it's best for all in the end. I'm waiting for my parents to die first. I love them both and don't want them to die any day soon, but I decided that, once they go, I'm out of here; there's very little to my life as it is, so once they're gone, I can go and not be missed. I just don't want my parents to have to outlive their son; I don't want to put them through that.

Yea, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone in my family. Sometimes, though, I think it would be doing them a favor. The amount that I've been giving up on myself in the last couple years is taking more of a toll on them and I find myself weighing the hardship of them having to deal with me and how my hopelessness affects them vs the damage of dealing with losing me. Its very morbid I know but I can't help but feel like I'm already dead inside and creating this black hole that others are subjected to.