I dont want to die but I dont want to live!!

Enjoy your break hon x

yes i know this and i feel weak for not going through with a proper suicide instead of feeling like i want to kill myself and telling my friends and threatening it or self harming myself in some way. I don't want to go to hell because i don't want to die and live eternally in fire or anything where i am not peaceful. I know that dying would leave behind things like the rest of the lease i have signed so my flat mate would have to fork out and somehow pay the rest of it and deal with a dead body she found or the fact i am in debt or my parents have been trying and helping me financially when i put myself into selfish and self destructive or spending holes.... and just having so much on my conscience being misunderstood and not being missed.
But then the idea of living this life of so many fears and hurting and missing so much .... hating myself and not coping with so much and being so insecure and self conscience is a huge tiring pain that i want to get rid of. It is called despair.