messed up empathy?

Hi everyone~ I'm new..

Something has been bothering me lately. I have been noticing my inability to really care about another person, especially when going through an 'episode'. It's almost as if they aren't truly another person to me, just something sentimental like a teddy bear or something that I don't want to lose. I really want to show people that I love them and cherish them, but it almost seems forced because there is so much that I'm dealing with inside that I don't even have the capacity to understand that they have feelings, too.

I feel an incredible amount of pressure to show my love to my boyfriend -- who is extremely supportive by the way -- because he notices my distance at times and it bothers him. Because I don't want to lose him (and I do truly care for him, despite how hard it is for me to express it), I will go completely numb and just throw some sort of affection on him and tell him that I am fine. I have explained to him that I have a difficult time showing love to people (never in my life have I told anyone in my family that I loved them), but I'm pretty sure if I explain it to the extent I am on here, it would hurt his feelings.

Ugh. I'm just so stressed out and I'm not even sure if this post makes any sense. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Hi, Bright Eyes; welcome to the board! ((hugs))

Other than the boyfriend part, I know what you mean. When I'm in a rage, I think I dissociate from myself and it's like watching a television show that I don't care too much for. I can watch and hear it, but I can't do anything to stop it. If the main character (me) causes another character pain, it doesn't bother me like, in reality, it should. When I'm sad, I collapse into myself and can barely even discern what others are going through, let alone how they're feeling.

On the other hand, when I'm even or happy, I tend to make up for it by being too caring about others, which is equally draining, as I find myself drawn into their problems. Who'd have ever thought that being nuts could be so exhausting?

bright.eyes wrote:Hi everyone~ I'm new..

Something has been bothering me lately. I have been noticing my inability to really care about another person, especially when going through an 'episode'. It's almost as if they aren't truly another person to me, just something sentimental like a teddy bear or something that I don't want to lose. I really want to show people that I love them and cherish them, but it almost seems forced because there is so much that I'm dealing with inside that I don't even have the capacity to understand that they have feelings, too.

I feel an incredible amount of pressure to show my love to my boyfriend -- who is extremely supportive by the way -- because he notices my distance at times and it bothers him. Because I don't want to lose him (and I do truly care for him, despite how hard it is for me to express it), I will go completely numb and just throw some sort of affection on him and tell him that I am fine. I have explained to him that I have a difficult time showing love to people (never in my life have I told anyone in my family that I loved them), but I'm pretty sure if I explain it to the extent I am on here, it would hurt his feelings.

Ugh. I'm just so stressed out and I'm not even sure if this post makes any sense. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Hi Bright Eyes, i sort of relate but not exactly the same. its not that people cease to be people, or that they are just something sentimental (not really one to be sentimental about things like teddy bears, my cuddly toys ended up stuffed down the back of my bedroom furniture, lol.)

but i just go sort of emotionally blank and disconnect. i can't exactly explain it. i feel like i want to connect, but i am just disconnected. its hard to describe. when you say episodes, if you mean episodes of feeling disconnected, i sort of get that, but i'm pretty sure its reactive to stuff - what's going on around me (or what i percieve to be going on.), and what's going on for me internally too.

i'm guessing it happens if i feel threatened in some way, but that threat can be internal, like feeling threatened by my own feelings. i don't stop understandthing they have feelings too, i just can't connect with my own.

It might be different for me, but i relate to sort of "going blank". i get confused.

I can relate to "going blank". Reality is like listening to a TV show in the background while doing something else and looking up every once in awhile so you don't lose the plot. I have noticed almost "waking up" in the middle of doing something and have realized I was on autopilot for a couple hours. Fortunately it doesn't seem to affect my driving, as even autopilot me is super careful, but it's still disconcerting to "wake up" while driving on the expressway.

that sounds more like "zoning out" which people can do to escape reality, and which i can do sometimes when i don't feel like paying attention to what's going on around me, lol, can go together with going blank as part of mild dissociation. but can do the going blank thing without that too,

i kinda mean more going emotionally blank, like i know i care, but i can't feel a damn thing, then usually something that is upsetting me and that i don't want to face comes up later, and my feelings come back again. it makes me feel like im on an emotional bunjee cord.

Bright Eyes- I definitely relate. And I'm glad it's not just me. Sometimes while the other person is around, I can relate to them on some level, but I still don't feel like I'm a fully functioning part of whatever the relationship is. Like if someone is upset, I can comfort them (funny how being depressed means that you know how to comfort someone- I do all the things I would have wanted someone to do for me when I was upset, but they never would), but if someone's friend had just died, I have no feelings about it. I have to keep saying something like "their friend just died" over in my head a few times before I can even remotely feel something for them. I feel like I'm being rude towards them when I can't relate.

If I don't have the people I know around me I don't have any feelings for them. I talk to my sister on the phone and we can have a good conversation, I know I love my sister and we get along well, but I can't feel anything towards what she's saying. It's like she's just a person on the other end of the phone that I have no connection with whatsoever. It's nothing to do with dissociating, it feels different. I've just spent 4 weeks overseas for the first time, away from my family, and my feelings for them while I was away were the same- I know I love them, but just felt no connection to them at all. They were just the people on the other end of my text messages. I hate it. Why can't I be normal.