Feeding the Disease

I just want to vent, I was diagnosed with BPD around four years ago when I was 19. Im 23 now. Ive spent the last 4 years in institutions. psychiatric hospitals therepeutic communities blah blah etc etc. I just want to tell this stupid disease in my brain I HATE YOU, I REALLY TRULY HATE YOU! BPD is a disgusting parasite that leeches onto your brain and tries to destroy a person. You have to be strong and fight it, or it will destroy you. I'm fed up of psychiatrists, therapy, hospital appointments, medications. I HATE medication, I get such bad side effects, its really horrible. I don't want to be like this forever, I don't want to keep feeding the disease with poisons, my doctor is trying to increase my meds which I really dont want to happen. If I had my way I would dissapear, i wouldnt go to these apoointments, but i cant, I live in a therepeutic community, they wont even let me administer my own medication! I'm fed up and dont know what to do.

Hi,

You certainly do'nt have to be afflicted with this forever, and 'fighting' is perhaps the wrong word to use. It's not about fighting as such, more about adapting to the symptoms and getting on with your life. If doctors/psychiatrists have not worked, then that's fine - There is no point in getting angry about that. The majority of them [i.e. doctors] have not suffered what we have suffered, so they struggle to relate to us on our level.

Anyway, just get on with your life and stop fighting it. know what your symptoms/weak-points are, think about how you can better manage them, and then put these methods into practice.

Take care
Kevin

Yeah I guess your right, in fact I know your right, it's just one of those days... I do have to just accept things and maybe be at peace with myself, sometimes it just takes someone fresh to put things in perspective... but thank you, do you have any suggestions about how you cope when you have a bad day....?
k x

I know how you feel, and reaching out to us to vent here on the forum was a GREAT first step! I think you may have found your "first" thing you can do when you're having a hard day :0). I hope that you find that this is a very supportive place, where people will understand your feelings and help in any way that they can. If you reach out on here, you'll find that people reach back. Welcome to our community!!! PM me if you ever need anything :0).

I don't have a magic wand to make my bad days go away, but I do have the medications that I'm prescribed to make things bearable. Doesn't mean that it makes me happy, or is a way to get rid of this, but it makes dealing with myself just that much easier. My clutch pill in bad situations is klonipin, but my dailies are Strattera (for ADHD), Buspar (Anxiety), and Lexapro (Anti-Depressant).

I know we all get tired of swallowing pills, but there is no regular pill for BPD, but there are pills that are used to treat our symptoms we're having at THAT time. So, whatever they give you, yeah, the side effects suck, but think about how it might be useful to help you gain a better perspective for overwhelming feelings.

I hope I don't come off as a know-it-all - I certainly don't know it all, but I am BPD, and I know what it feels like to suffer. I am lucky because I have a wonderful treatment team, and I use forum to convey and work out my feelings in between visits with my therapist. I think that you might find that helpful to you too.

Other suggestions that I might have... well, I have a 3 day rule. Whenever a crisis comes about (which is normal for us, LOL), I allow my self the first day for pity, crying, tantrums, etc. Then, the second day, I have to begin making lists or finding ways to change my situation that I'm complaining about. Then, the third day, I have to act on them. It keeps me from getting stuck in ruts (continuously), but also gives me time and space to work out my feelings in between, without feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

And lastly- I try to keep in mind that my feelings and emotions are only temporary- they change SO often that if I don't keep this in mind, then I feel like the sky is falling at least 3 days a week!

I hope the very best for you! It sounds like you're wanting to get better, and the first thing that you can do is learn to work WITH your disorder and understand how/why you do the behaviors that you exhibit, so that you can begin to control your output. You can't change your feelings, but you can control the output. Those are things that I remind myself daily.

I hope that this helps!!! *hugs*, and again, WELCOME!

AMP

The only advice i can give is you are not alone.

We all deal with this thing together. And the goal is to live with it, to co-exist until such time as it's gone or we just function with it in a normal capacity (such as a non does with a head cold, trite but true).

All the best and when you're feeling this way keep letting us know!

This is a really difficult thing to face and deal with and we are here for you. There are a lot of people in recovery here that can help.

I just want to say that I feel really touched by the support that everyone has offered, thank you guys, I feel really welcome already ...

You're welcome, my friend. Please feel free to reply to other posts in order to help others, and/or create new threads of your own for help of a different nature for yourself.


Look after yourself
Kevin