"Your husband needs help."

I sometimes recall a story my ex told me.

See, I very much like martial arts, and the more severe the better. This is why I ideally prefer Muay Thai; but good Muay Thai classes are hard to come by here and kick boxing is a great way to complement and supplement Muay Thai I find.

Anyway, my ex was suggesting Aikido, Tai Chi or something since I was having trouble finding a kick boxing class that was affordable, and through her work we could do free Aikido classes together on occasion. This simply does not appeal to me, and much less tie chi. Why? You can't eff up someones $#%^ with either of those, they aren't aggressive enough.

It isn't that I'm out to eff up someones $#%^ -- it's simply that I like the knowledge and feeling of power that I can yet at the same time have mastery over myself to not do so for petty reasons or silly fights. I do like the knowledge and power that if someone tried to rob me, or attacked me, that in defense I could pummel the holy crap out of them, and yes, I would enjoy myself.

There were times earlier in my life when I walked around wishing someone would do something to justify --both morally and legally-- me beating the living crap out of them. Alas, that day never came.

Anyway, my ex was speaking with a co-worker who also asked "Why doesn't he just do Aikido", to which she responded "He wants to learn something where he could potentially really hurt someone", to which he replied "Your husband needs help..." She laughed and said to him that I'd take that as a compliment (I did) and she reckoned he was just joking around. I was very amused by the whole story. Sometime afterward it came back to me, though, and I don't think he was joking.

But anywho, screw him.

I don't want to feel peaceful, at harmony and zen-like. How goddamn boring. I get tired of people suggesting this to me --Aikido, Tai Chi-- as a way to deal with BPD or whatever. I want to ###$ $#%^ up. I don't even do it for fitness or exercise nor for fun really; I do it to have the power to ###$ $#%^ up. This aides my mental well-being, this is my way.

You see, I don't want to eliminate negative energies, I want to channel them, which helps as they are then under your power and control. I don't want my power in alignment per se, I want it focused into a fine blade.

Feeling at "peace and harmony" does nothing for me, I do not strive for it; I want to kick the living crap out of a bag, or the air, or life.

I can't help but see people looking for nothing but peace in their disorder as people afraid of their darker side, and unable or too frightened to unleash, and use the damn darkness. It seems to me they fear and fight their disorder rather than align themselves with it. Fight it, and it will quite rightly fight back as you're only fighting yourself. It's there, why not use it? Why not master it? Dark, light, it's all power.

Why entirely forsake one for the other? More over, why fear one of them? It may as if I'm forsaking one for the other but I am not; when 'peace' comes my way I embrace it, and make use of it for all it's worth -- but overall I'm interesting in flowing with my nature rather than swimming upstream.

Anyway, some people have got their way, I've got mine.

Interesting post! There's more Zen in it then you might think.

Proper use of anger is very hard for me. I'm not able to channel my anger into doing something useful. My rage tends to consume me. I don't express it, except perhaps indirectly as self-harm.

I did consider learning to fence once. Fencing is also about control and aggression. Still think I might do that one day...

I have never tried fencing but I think it's awesome; fencing is an excellent example. I see it as the strategy of chess put to sword fighting. I'm glad that someone knows where I'm coming from on this one.

You are right, it is useless to fight it and your comment about fighting yourself is spot-on!

I think it's a good thing to channel the darkness into something that benefits you. Remember too that the key thing with martial arts is you can't be in the zone if you're angry. That's why mental discipline is taught along side the physical.

I feel the same re kickboxing/muay thai .. tai chi etc there is no impact .. for me the endorphins come from the impact

Jay-

A couple of things.

First off, if we were playing football in a sandlot type- game, and I got to pick the first person for my team, you would be IT. I would want you as my Defensive Tackle, and I would unleash your power on any opponent. I'm talking full-contact American Football, not what we call Soccer here :0).

Otherwise, just to be freaking hilarious, I'm going to suggest that you throw all ideas out the window for martial arts, and take up Curling.

LOLOLOLOL!!! Great post, too, by the way!

AMP

MissAli wrote:First off, if we were playing football in a sandlot type- game, and I got to pick the first person for my team, you would be IT. I would want you as my Defensive Tackle, and I would unleash your power on any opponent. I'm talking full-contact American Football, not what we call Soccer here :0).

I'm honored, count me in! So, a mixed-sex football game, eh? That would be cool, actually; also interesting from a sociological perspective. Why isn't that done? Is it done? Just have each team be 50/50. By the way, when talking to people who aren't American just say "Gridiron", that's what they call it. Also, in Australia it's also called Soccer.

I think the ladies outnumber the gentlemen slightly on this board -- but what say we try for it? Recruit people for a game and get both sides as even-gendered as possible...

But anyway, I'll have you know that I'm equally as good with the ball. Just, instead of trying to avoid the opposing players on my way to the goal line, I attempt to lunge into them, knock them over and then run over them. Do you think the refs would be cool with that, though? Is that within the rules?

MissAli wrote:Otherwise, just to be freaking hilarious, I'm going to suggest that you throw all ideas out the window for martial arts, and take up Curling.

Curling,.. that's the one where you slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a group of ten people and try to knock over as many as possible with the first go, right?

MissAli wrote:LOLOLOLOL!!! Great post, too, by the way!

What can I say: I'm a giver; it's just what I do...

-- Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:51 pm --

kirayng wrote:Remember too that the key thing with martial arts is you can't be in the zone if you're angry.

Yeah, there's a misnomer that all anger is bad and just makes you rage, lose control and act like a dumbarse. That's 'hot anger',.. 'cold anger' can be productive.

-- Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:58 pm --

bsl9408 wrote:I feel the same re kickboxing/muay thai .. tai chi etc there is no impact .. for me the endorphins come from the impact

Exactly,.. that's why when I took music class I chose drums. I got kicked out of it though I still remember always chasing this really annoying guy around trying to bop him with my drumsticks. It wasn't very nice,.. but he was a smartarse jerkoff, and I was 12.

I think that I am always trying to fight my darkness, always trying so hard to be seen as a "good girl" even though I am a grown woman. I realized that the trying to be good is my way of overcompensating for how bad I feel. I have had a few moments lately when I just let myself actually feel the darkness instead of fighting it, it was really pretty liberating. Good post. Very thought provoking.

I was once national fencing champion. It's a great hobby. I took it up again recently but was warned for being to aggresive. WTF!

Yup, Curling is that ice-puck looking thing that they rub the ice and make it go in some weird pattern and stop on some dot... I would never be good at that game :0). LOL. I have NO patience!

And yes, we should definitely get a gridiron game going on BPD Forum!!! And we're on the same team! And I do believe that the ref would allow you to plow someone, then continue on with the ball! The rule is that your knee can't touch the ground, because then the ball is dead on that yardline...

Whoo hoo!

AMP