Breakup or Break? How do I not freak out about this?

Hi,

I am the one with BPD. I've been in a relationship for a little less than a year, and since about the third month we were together, we haven't been doing well. We communicate in a completely different way. He wants more of an open relationship than I do and me with all my BPD issues, I'm finding that my level of functionality has taken a nose dive, especially in the past couple of months because of my abandonment, trust and codependency issues. My mother also just died in late May. I'm about to apply for disability once I figure out how to do so.

I've been incredibly insecure with him (I think a lot of that has to do with him wanting a more open relationship than I do), and it has gotten to the point where he's afraid to talk to people or have friends because he's afraid of how I'll act. I used to snoop on him all the time and he wouldn't get mad at me at all. The last time I did was Monday when I came home from being away for the weekend. I actually don't remember a lot of the day because I was so incredibly dysregulated and emotionally overwhelmed because I thought he abandoned me. He didn't answer his phone when I called and I thought he was going to be home. What I found was a conversation he had with his ex while I was away, and he stating that he is still in love with her. I haven't told him that I know this yet. So every day this week, I have been freaking out and crying almost on an hourly basis.

So anyways, I keep pouring my energy into this relationship because I live in what feels like terror every day regarding this relationship ending. He doesn't really treat me with love anymore. When he does make those efforts, it feels forced. Our days are laced with long hard discussions (which usually end in me going into a ballistic crying fit), little tiffs and maybe some moments that feel like we might be dating. I spoke with him about seeing a therapist, and he said that he feels weird putting forth any effort in making this relationship better because it has never been that good in the first place. And he stated he doesn't want the relationship to end for the wrong reasons. I also live with him, and being as I don't work, I don't know where I would move to.

There will also be a lot of guilt in me regarding our relationship. Part of me wants to go through DBT and show him that beyond all my borderline bull$#!^, there is love in there for him.

I don't know what to do. I'm so terrified of being alone, and my abandonment issues are getting triggered all the time.

Any ideas on how to focus on building a stronger sense of self through this so my life isn't so dependent on us being together?

The way to build a strong sense of self, is by honoring your own instincts and feelings. From the things you have said in your post, you are clearly recognizing feelings that you are not comfortable with. So, the question is, do you honor those feelings, or do you ignore and deny them. It also seems obvious by your post, that you and he want different things, i.e open relationship that he wants, but you do not. So, if you are not compatable, and he is not meeting your needs or wants, can you continue with this relationship? If you know what your own needs and wants are, and you look to satisfy these things, then that will build a strong sence of self.

Well, maybe you're feeling abandoned... because you basically have been.

I mean, you found correspondence between him and his ex that said that he is still in love with her? Well, that's a major red flag, and I do not believe that he really wants to work on this relationship (and he has already said as much). It sounds as if he has emotionally already checked out.

I really feel for you, because it seems like you're trying to hold onto something that is going to slip away no matter what. And I hate to say that to you, but from what you have said, it is the truth.

I think that you need to go to therapy for YOU. I do not know what to tell you about your living situation, but I think it may be wise to start looking into your options about that.

*hugs*

AMP