Need to Feel Safe

I have come to the realization that so many of my reactions, impulsive decisions, mistakes, etc stem from never feeling safe and desperately reaching for safety even when what I am doing will only lead to self-destruction. I am using therapy as a means to finding safety for at least one hour a week, not as a means to making progress. I feel that this world is a dangerous place for me, even though the feeling is not grounded in present reality.Everything is distorted. I suppose that this is all BPD, however, it was really a revelation to me that the issue of safety is at the core of everything for me.
Does anyone else struggle with this problem? I think that I would feel a bit of consolation in knowing that this is part of the experience of BPD, although a therapist friend told me that it is, I need to hear it from other people with BPD.

Definitely. I am sitting here today not motivated to do my usual things sort of waiting for my hubby to get out of work....

I believe a lot of the symptoms of BPD come from not feeling safe for sure. It's hard for me to take trips, even short ones because there is a lot of inherent danger to traveling along with the usual catastrophizing I do (like the train will wreck or plane will crash , or no one is there to pick me up). It was better when I had my own car.

I also am drawn to strong, confident people that take my feelings into consideration and try to know when I'm not with people that make me feel safe and leave the situation.

The odd part of this whole thing is once I feel safe, even for a moment, I inexplicably put myself in more dangerous and unknown situations, almost like a 'woops' wasn't supposed to be feeling safe and secure.

Deep down we can feel secure, I believe. I just have to stop myself from stopping myself from feeling safe! HTH

My feelings are all over the place right night and the only things that sound safe and comforting to me right now are pizza and owning a stuffed Snoopy holding Woodstock doll. I feel incredibly guilty that I am hiding out in bed right now, and the guilt makes me feel even more unsafe:(

Well, bed, pizza, and Snoopy with Woodstock sound pretty safe and fluffy to me! I think that while you're having this moment, you need to just repeat to yourself (I do this constantly, especially when I feel a panic attack coming) that "This is ONLY temporary, this will not last."

I wasn't into chanting and meditation, but I'm finding that the phrase itself calms me down, but ONLY to a degree... otherwise, there is still the pounding heart, and shaky clammy hands, etc. So, it works ENOUGH to get me by. I dunno. I guess if you are open to it, give it a whirl :0).

I don't know about therapy being a "safe" place for me. I think that I do more thinking and opening up there than I do anywhere, so its more of a vulnerable time for me. I welcome it, but when I'm out of there, I feel so much better... then when I leave, I think of stuff I forgot to say. I know I should make a list or something, but my mother has herself on this weird kick not to put things in writing lately, and its weirding me out...

ANyways. That was probably some good, old-fashioned erratic rambling. And I'm sorry.

AMP

I actually really like to chant and meditate, and Wednesday night is a meditation night. I should go, however, at this point I am so emotionally chaotic I don't know what to do. Can't think straight. Scared and want to run away from everyone and every thing. This is where I start burning bridges and slamming into walls.

If possible, let's stay away from the bridges and walls. Let's keep you safe...

I don't feel safe today either. I'm apprehensive about my therapy appt because it has been over a MONTH since I've seen her, and I'm afraid I need more than 50 minutes!!! I wish I could just pay a pro-rated amount to stay LONGER.

But I wish you all the fluffy warm pillows and blankets to make you feel better. Was there a trigger to this discomfort?

AMP

Triggered by opening up and talking to someone this morning about having BPD and that I need to take a career break for a while. I feel like a flashlight is shining on me. I feel exposed and vulnerable. I want attention and support and then freak out once I get it.
I've actually been in crash and burn mode for a while now and it's getting worse, not sure what triggered the whole thing to begin with. But the conversation this morning was definitely triggering.

I can completely relate to your last post Moo. I think maybe your mind/body is telling you it's time to take some "me" time. Fortunately those major break-throughs tend to occur when we've run ourselves ragged and stop for a moment.

Prayers and hugs to you my friend.

Kira and Ali, thanks so much for your support. You are both really helping me to feel supported right now. Knowing that I am going to have to put on hold everything that I have worked toward professionally is pretty stressful. I really need and appreciate the support.

mooshoo wrote:Kira and Ali, thanks so much for your support. You are both really helping me to feel supported right now. Knowing that I am going to have to put on hold everything that I have worked toward professionally is pretty stressful. I really need and appreciate the support.

I too have put everything on hold right now. Adding finances to my worries, but I had to do it. I have my therapist appointment on Monday (first time in months because no one gives a $#%^) and my dx appointment next wednesday. I feel guilty about just being 'me' with nothing else going on. Which is why I'm disassociating and isolating. I know exactly where you are right now Moo. You and me in this together, then we're never alone *hugs*