Does this sound closer to Bipolar, PTSD, or BPD?

I also tend to be severely neurotic/suffering from med student syndrome pretty bad, but I guess it all just stems from my desperate, ongoing search to try and figure out what I am, or what's wrong with me succinctly so I just may finally have piece of mind in at least being able to define what it is for once in my life.

Anyway, I'm 21, work at a bookstore, am alright financially, have a lot of friends who tend to like me/consider me intelligent, witty and fun to be around, and am in a quazi-calm environment in Phoenix, AZ in a nice home with friend-roommates. Since 17 however (following a psychotic bad trip on drugs that seemed to almost take every fragment of fear, pain, despair, isolation, paranoia, rage, humiliation, and violence that I had witnessed and experienced throughout the many years of my childhood and encapsulated it into an unspeakably traumatic two-hour reel that I cannot explain in words and can only say that I'd spend an eternity in a Hell of fire and brimstone than a short period of time being in that Hell again) I've been living in a neverending trap of mood patterns and personality flaws that I feel ultimately keep me from ever progressing in life. Anyway, I put together every negative experience that has been pervasively plaguing me for years now resulting in several hospitalizations onto a handy lost, starting with emotional disturbances, then cognitive disturbances and ending with key points in my childhood that I believe greatly attribute to everything that's tormenting me these days.

Symptoms that could be associated with Bipolar

*Unstable mood patterns
*Long bouts of severe depression
*Impulsive spending, alcohol abuse

Things that don't seem to meet Bipolar Criteria

*Never experienced a manic phase
*Never experienced a hypomanic phase
*Impulsive spending and alcohol abuse persistent and not mood-congruent (unless we discuss my persistent, out of control mood of everything)
*Depressive phases do not appear to be on a cycle of any sort, are rather random
*Depressive phases are usually sparked instantly by an external event or perceived fear with no sensation of "descending" into it
*Depressive phases do not seem to be a prevalent state of depression so much as a prolonged intensified state of my "normal" mood that usually goes from internal anger (rarely shown unless in extreme cases whereas it's very severe and usually ends in violence), very mild euphoria, mild to moderate depression, fear, anxiety, jealosy, paranoia, dissociative sensations and occasional panic attacks or very fast alternate state of perceptions (feeling of unreality, not existing, watching everything move without me, or "melting into reality"), racing thoughts, obsessive thought patterns, and a lot of other negative mood states that I actually go through throughout the day and rarely show them

Things that seem to meet criteria for PTSD

*I've had two severe traumas in my life -- one being when I was three and witnessed my father shoot my leg with a shotgun at close range (she survived and they got back together shortly... and I got to live through it all). I still vividly remember my mother in a pool of blood face-down and the terror and the ambulance coming and me getting thrown in some "temporary" family environment for a short while afterwards, but it doesn't actively bother me and probgably qualifies as something that shaped my genetics without my outright being aware of it
*Drug-induced psychosis October 4 2001, which was actually so bad I still have flashbacks occasionally (the panic attacks I have are triggered by what I call "madness attacks" which are the inexplicable sensations of not existing/losing touch with reality for never more than half a minute, which are very remisicient of my bad trip despite being extremely brief and not nearly as intense)
*Random patterns of nightmares, night terrors, and "sleep paralysis" as well as other strange and scary sleep disturbances
*Persistent fear of eventually going insane or already insane
*Avoidance of contact or consumption of drug that caused the trip, and intense fear of things associated with the trip, including frightening electronica sounds and psychadelic images
*Often hypervigilant
*Obsession with the bad trip
*alcohol abuse

Things that don't really seem to meet criteria

*Can often speak freely about the drug trip and its ramifications but not too much. Can also speak freely of my mother being shot
*Generally sociable, not avoidant (in fact quite the opposite usually), and not apparently affected in the eyes of others
*No delusions or hallucinations

Symptoms that sound remiscient of Borderline Personality Disorder

*Fear and resentment of abandonment
*Intense fear of rejection
*Excessively critical of others who are weak in areas I'm particularly weak at as well
*Excessively jealous of others who exceed in areas I'm good at
*Alcohol abuse (I feel I drink to stabilize my mood, get my mind off the world, and fill I guess what you could call a hole in me)
*Incredibly poor money management and insane spending impulses
*history of bullimia
*history of binge eating, and incredibly varying appetite patterns
*sudden drives to start a project only to either never start it, start it but fail or lose interest in it quickly, or start it and have success with it before somehow screwing it up toward my perceived goal which is often unrealistic in the first place
*Internal fighting between insatiable desires to improve myself (for others mostly for acceptance or admiration) and never even attempting and deeming it a "lost cause" due to I guess low self esteem
*Poor and often paranoid image of self (i.e. never know if I look like a jack-ass or if what I'm doing may be detrimental to my image in everyone else's eyes)
*Almost neverending reel of emotions that haunt me endlessly until I "stabilize" them all with alcohol or other forms of self-gratification such as masturbation (never had sex due to an insufficient source of self-confidence and fear of closeness despite my desire for it)
*One of my biggest things is how I can suddenly respect and admire a good friend and then suddenly turn on him. A good example is a guy I actually talk to online (five years now) who's a superior writer to me, makes me laugh a lot and gives me a lot of pointers, but since I'm an aspiring writer I often feel the need to bring him down (often "publically" such as on message board communities) only to apologize and blame it on Bipolar diagnosis or something, be great friends with him again and then suddenly tear into him again the moment he makes me feel inferior. I have a history of doing this with friends I respect and admire but rarely with friends I consider a lower person to me somehow (despite the fact that I feel myself getting constantly jealous and angry towards them for everything anyway)
*Incabable of having relationships after the last girlfriend I had, who was never actually a girlfriend considering I always wanted her with me but never wanted to do anything physically with her, and spend the entire "relationship" paranoid that she was just using me as some sort of emotional tampon, lashing out at her for stupid reasons, feeling sensations of deep love for her followed the next day by wanting her out of my life and vice-versa, etc. eventually rendering me feeling hopeless to ever have a healthy relationship with anyone
*Panic attacks, feelings of dissociation (which I relate to flashbacks but may be a manifestation of BPD after all) and fear of going insane
*Intense needing of support from people, esp. my mother who makes me sick sometimes
*Absolute terror of losing people followed with occasional feelings of wanting them to die
*Maintaining a circle of friends that respects my humor and compliments me/makes me feel good, overreacting when I suddenly feel cast out (usually imagined/exaggerated) while avoiding people who "don't get me"/don't entertain me much at all
*Huge physical changes, such as massive weight loss and getting in shape followed by wreckless eating and drinking binges bringing me almost obese

Etc.

Seems a little broad for a mental illness, but the fact that everything I've read about it matches (ABSOLUTELY everything, almost like they were writing a book about me) whereas I've ruled out pretty much everything else except PTSD (including other diagnoses I've received from shrinks such as both Bipolar I and Bipolar II, major depression, general anxiety disorder, ADHD, OCD, and neurosis) leads me to feel I may be borderline.

I don't really expect anyone to read this but I'd appreciate it.

Are you seeing a doctor? I am unsure of what state youre in, but a lot of therapists charge a fee on a sliding scale fee!

I have a mental illness, too! You sound borderline to me, but see what a doc says!

I'll tell ya, many of the things you mentioned are just human, but there are a few personality traits you mentioned that could be worked on, if they are disrupting your life.

I don't see any indication that you are a full blown bipolar, possibly cyclothemic, since you have some depression, but everyone does now and then.

Being the center of attention helps ones self esteem, but the side of you that doesn't like criticism, you might work on, everyone needs it to better themselves, but sometimes the other people just put it wrong, and anyone can take offense to that.

As far as ptsd, you would know it, flashbacks of those bad memories would flood your mind daily , nightly, and cause you so much fear you might not be able to leave the house. Concidering you do have a small panic situation, that might be a concideration, and talking to someone is the way to overcome that. You sound like you don't have a problem talking it over with people. So you do sound like you want to overcome this.

Pd's can be seen in everyone. For years I thought I was schizotypal, come to find out I am the Idiosencriatic personality type instead, I believe I spelled that correctly. So I was very happy to find out that there are two sides to every pd, it is called a personality type. "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." - William James

I see condradictions in your criteria, that lead me to believe that you don't have any of the above, but if this starts to interrupt your life, you might want to see a therapist just to rule it out. Of course a therapist isn't going to dx you with bipolar right off the bat, a pdoc would be best for this.

I do notice you mentioned alchohol abuse in two of your criteria. This could be a contributor to all of your symptoms. As well as some anxiety or self induced stress. Just think of yourself as the norm, you seem to be to me. But you might want to slow down on the liquor for more than one reason.



The Brain and Central Nervous System
Alcohol profoundly disturbs the structure and function of the central nervous system, disrupting the ability to retrieve and consolidate information. Even moderate alcohol consumption affects cognitive abilities, while larger amounts interfere with the oxygen supply to the brain, a possible cause of blackout or temporary amnesia during drunkenness. Alcohol abuse destroys brain cells, producing brain deterioration and atrophy, and whether the organic brain damage and neuropsychological impairment linked to alcohol can be reversed is unknown. Alcohol also alters the brain's production of RNA (a genetic "messenger"), and serotonin, endorphins, and natural opiates whose function may be linked to the addictive process.

A neurological disorder called Wernicke-Korsakoff's syndrome results from vitamin B deficiencies produced by alcoholism and the direct action of alcohol on the brain. Symptoms of this condition include amnesia, loss of short-term memory, disorientation, hallucinations, emotional disturbances, double vision, and loss of muscle control. Other effects include mental disorders such as increased aggression, antisocial behaviour, depression, and anxiety.




Withdrawal Symptoms
Three to 6 days after a heavy drinker (drinking a fifth of liquor a day) completely stops drinking, alcohol is finally gone from the body, and acute and life-threatening effects may occur. Withdrawal phenomena include sleep disorders such as insomnia, visual and auditory hallucinations, disorientation, alcoholic convulsions, epileptic seizures of the grand mal type, and delirium tremens accompanied by acute anxiety and fear, agitation, fast pulse, fever, and extreme perspiration. Consequently, alcoholics who decide to quit drinking should do so under competent medical supervision.


All my best,

its hard to follow dd , but as an alcoholic and dealing w/mental illness: you won't have a clear picture of your thinking or behavior until you sober up. Alcohol is a memory-eraser and when you're clean you will be amazed at what you've blocked out...

also, the 'bad trip' I have some experience with. I am sure you have read about 'imprinting', how certain images, thoughts, feelings can get 'burned into' our thinking under the influence of hallucinogens. There are ways to treat it. A simple one is to make an inventory of the experiences and start talking about it... Your fear of something can radically diminish when you share that fear...

Anyway, I wish you luck finding the help you're looking for.

Hi Random, Oh the experiences i've had with memory loss, it's scarey.

When I took xanax I wrote postems everywhere to remind myself where I put things,

With alchohol, after I quit I found 1500$ hidden in things around the house.

I can't imagine doing this to myself again. But it did affect me mentally for sure. I'll never go back. Thanks for writing.

I do not think you are Bipolar or Borderline. You certainly dont sound like one. I think you have an anxiety disorder. Maybe NSO. Could be PTSD.

[quote="ddeehopes"]
I see condradictions in your criteria, that lead me to believe that you don't have any of the above[quote]

This was my initial reaction.