Relationships and Identity Issues

Hello everyone! I'm new here and well I'm not exactly sure where to start, but i'm pretty sure i've come to the right place. I have been newly diagnosed with BPD within the past year. And as of right now, am currently struggling to write about myself (I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.) Some basic things though, I am 18, preparing for the next phase of my life which will hopefully be college. This proves to be a challenge because my indecisiveness has not allowed me to actually pinpoint where I want to go or what I even want to major in. Up until recently I have let my parents just throw suggestions at me. Either that, or become infatuated with what my on and off again boyfriend is doing with his life. I have a hard time separating his interests from mine, and when he went to school in Pittsburgh It suddenly became my "dream school" and no other place would ever be as great as Pitt and I would certainly die if I didn't go. I held this belief only because I had no interests of my own so I overcompensated and became obsessed with his.
As he is leaving soon to return to school, I am forced with a possible breakup. Where last year, before he left, I clung to him and cried like a baby and proceeded to be a complete emotional wreck for months after. Now, I have decided to cut off all contact. When I last saw him I acted as if everything was normal, even though I was already convinced that it was the last time I'd ever be with him. I don't know if this is some kind of coping mechanism or what, but since cutting off contact, I feel like I have lost myself completely. Probably because my identity was so intertwined with his. I feel like a blank slate waiting for someone to occupy the emptiness. And now I have a dream of moving out to California for school to get as far away from him as possible. (Which isn't any better than my last "dream") Why do I have to either be inseparable from someone, or I can't know them at all? It's so frustrating. One minute i'm glad to be rid of him for "making me crazy" blaming him for every bad thought i've ever had and feeling i've ever felt, and the next minute i'm curled on on the floor sobbing because I missed him and how i'll never love again. And the worst part is, it's only been 3 days.
But deep down I'm afraid, because when we broke up last year, I decided to become the exact opposite of who I had been with him. Angry, hurt, and identity-less, I did obscene amounts of drugs and alcohol, took up smoking, became even more wreckless and impulsive than normal. I never want to go back to how I was, but I am dreading this upcoming fall and I hope i'm not doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
Sorry that was so long and rambly but I'm just not sure what to do, or if the way I'm handling this situation is even right. Has anyone else experienced a relationship like this? If so, how have you managed it? Thanks for reading <3

A 100 % estonem

I'm sorry for what your going thru btw, it's never easy for us.

I'm still there. My ex dumped me back in january and I still haven't been able to let go so we have been lately dating since than and it's been horrible.

I was with him for 2 years before that. I completely changed myself for him. Lived with him too.

I find the closer I get to someone the less I start to care about myself. I can not handle taking care of two people at once. It's either or all about them or all about me. I do not have a middle ground probably because I am unstable.

I want to just cut off from him too. But it will kill me. I keep trying to find the right time to feel strong enough to do it but it's hard.

It's hard to want everything and nothing at the same time.

I'm much stronger when I am alone. I do not have the ability to handle relationships like a healthy person does.

Hi Estonem!

First off, please do not attend Pitt, because as a WVU graduate, I could never speak to you :0). Rival teams in case you hadn't heard that before... not sure where you're from.

Back to the topic at hand... I know exactly what you mean. Also, welcome to our forum! I think that you'll find that there is a LOT of great advice to be had on this site (Crimson just proved it, as always - she's a rockstar!), and I hope you will find a peace of mind here.

I too have an identity crisis. With my therapist, since I couldn't really name things that I liked without naming who introduced me to it, or who I "stole" the idea/concept from, we began with the things that I knew I DIDN'T like or want. And then went from there. So I guess I've come along kind of a$$ backwards.

I either like to be fully engulfed in a relationship or completely by myself. I've had bouts of dating, but nothing that really enthralled me. I am a longterm relationship girl, but I've behaved like a slut in my past too. I also am a smoker, used to cut school in high school and college, partied until I was afraid I was going to die... not that any of these things will happen to YOU, but DO be aware of what can happen to you, or what you are capable of doing while searching for yourself.

Do you see a therapist? I think that's a good way to go, even though you're about to leave. I know that my parents threw ideas at me all the time, but regardless, you won't do what you don't wanna do, but you WILL end up doing what you do... does that make any sense? In a way, I guess you won't know till you arrive :0). There, that's better in a grammatical sense.

As for the boyfriend, do you think that relationship would withstand both of you being away at school? Do you want it to? I went to college with a bf back home, and it didn't work out because we both grew apart. And then I became wild woman :0).

My VERY best to you... feel free to PM me, if you'd like. I am a GRAND example of what NOT to do with yourself, but I did finish school in the allotted four years, so I guess I kept it together :0)

AMP

hah, i totally get what you mean when you say you have trouble writing about yourself. i always hated those "ABOUT ME" assignments at the beginning of the year in school.

i don't think i HAVE really managed anything, i'm still stumbling through life and its decisions. i'm hoping by 25 to have figured SOMETHING out. til then its all trial and error =\.. or more like- trial, error...error....depressed... TRIAL! TRIAL!... error. error.

nice to meet you.

I feel pretty similar... but I'm 21 years ahead of you in age.

I'm still finding my interests... they are politics, history, genealogy, travelling, psychology, sociology, community development, aqua zumba, yoga, colouring-in (lol), socialising, learning, group work. I love animals, children, parties, comedies, chickflicks, watersports, holidaying....

It's really hard for me to remember those core interest even though they have been with me for life... wt?

As I've alluded to in other threads... as soon as I sleep with someone, I subconsciously hand over my self worth to them - and all of a sudden my value as a person becomes totally reliant on the value they place on me. Like what is that? They just happen to be someone I've agreed to have sex with? How do they suddenly become so omnipotent??? I can see it is not healthy, but change takes time... and we have to open ourselves up to things being different in the future.

I'm quite a few men ahead of you and I still don't get used to the way they come and go (no pun lol).

I think it is important not to overidentify with our illness because I think it is really important to discern between who we are and what are illness symptoms. We are never the symptoms of our illness or our diagnosis - they are merely things we manage and no more indicative of self worth than a blood nose or a headache.