I've Totally Been Acting Like A Loon

Yep...
Recovered or not (which I supposedly am), old habits die hard... and I've been acting like a loon.

I was fine, doing my own thing, and then into my life walked this guy that I liked.
It would have probably been okay if he hadn't acted like he might have liked me... but he did...
And then he found someone else to date...

So I've been depressed... and won't go to the gym, and I snap at him, and I keep trying to split him black, but subtley... It's not fun if he doesn't hurt... but he doesn't care...
What he does care about is when I tell him he's not a real person... which I do almost daily...

But for real... wtf...
He's never regretted a relationship, he's built like a greek god statue, has no financial problems...
He has no real life problems. People without problems aren't real people, I've decided...

It dawned on me today that I'm totally acting like a loon, though.
Or a child... I'm probably acting like a child, because I wanted someone to like me, and he did but then didn't, and his life is so mystically perfect...

It didn't help that my grandmother died in the middle of all of it. I wanted someone to tell me it was all going to be okay, and then it just wasn't okay at all. I just keep shutting down, but I can't live without emotion forever, I'm sure... I mean sooner or later I'll just crash out, and then what?

Told me shrink he says I'm normal, actually. I don't feel normal, but he assures me things will be fine and that this is how a grieving period feels... even the part where I act like a vindictive child, because I still have strong BPD traits that come out. He thinks it'll pass and I'll be fine. Mom thinks I'll acting like a normal person, too, but I think her view of normal has been skewed from years of dealing with me, really...

I dunno that I'm looking for guidance... I'm just saying... I'm acting like a child... or a loon...
And apparently, even normal do that... and recovereds... Odd.

We are human. Every feeling we have, normal people are capable of them as well.

If you're looking for guidance, then I just have to say...well you're looking at the wrong person. I have been trying to make friends and though they are friendly, they don't want to make friends. I don't get angry at them, though. I get angry at myself.

However, I hope that you can shake this loose. Good luck.

Hey Smile,
Your post comes across as quite rational... but I suppose that is what getting well from BPD is all about; acting sane even when we feel crazy. I've felt crazy for the past 3 days and have acted like a crazy woman. I feel ashamed of myself. BUT denial prolly isn't a good thing either hun, and yeah, you might be better to grieve these things in real time now than have them build up. (Apparently one can grieve without being a mad woman but I haven't learnt that trick yet! lol). I hope you find a lovely man to date who you have years of happiness with (assuming that is what you are after). Hugs x

Well the feelings never get less intense in recovery, do they? I have noticed they are still as strong but I don't get overwhelmed by them--unless it's just too much at once.

In any case, you were hit with a lot at once and it has triggered you. Be kind to yourself now and nurture your newly healed wound. The way to the Spirit is through such a mortal wound, if you're religious, if not, disregard.

Prayers for you now and gentle (hugs)

Best

You're all so sweet...

And no... emotions never get less intense. Ha.
You just... deal with them better, I guess.

I finally woke up happy this morning...
That was nice.
I've definitely been in the bathtub for a ridiculous amount of time, though.

Hi Smile, glad you are feeling better and you worked through it. Rejection from a love interest is what causes me the worst anxiety and brings out my worst BPD traits, especially if there is other stress in my life.
Last night I pulled a big no-no, because having huge trouble in my marriage and not getting along with my husband, but trying to keep it civil and cope while I try to get better (but it's a catch22, being with him, because of constant turmoil and stress and dysfunction, but I degress)
So we went out for drinks to sorta celebrate our anniversary, but there was lots of tension and he had lots of attitude and it was pissing me off. So I texted a friend, but they basically didn't want to hear it, so felt rejected and got more pissed and walked out of the bar and walked to another bar by myself (met friends there) and basically drank and danced myself silly til closing and got a taxi home.

So, I have a lot of work to do to....

But rejection combined with stress sets me off doing impulsive, stupid things.

You handled your situation so much better, so be very proud of yourself and how far you ahve come!
... and you don't want Mr. Perfect, would not be fun at all, so was meant to be girl!
We gotta have someone a bit quirky, unique and left of center.
Keep your chin up

SmileXx wrote:has no financial problems...
He has no real life problems. People without problems aren't real people, I've decided...

There's actually some truth in there. If this is true then he's living somewhere the isn't real and is an artificially created world. He may as well be living on credit, but I'm not talking just financially, his entire life is on credit except he's not even the card holder. You're the card holder. The 'masses', if you will, are the card holder. The lives people like this lead are impossible. Also, he can't possibly have a real, full understanding of reality and the world around him, so it isn't surprising that you're making the jump to seeing he himself as not real. People like this not only have rose-tinted goggles but they're in a bubble as well.

It's simply that your idea isn't fully formed. You aren't even going to give it a chance to form?

People who have these sorts of lives have lives that are not sustainable,.. not in the long run. They will come crashing one day.

Honestly, you might want to further consider this line of thinking -- explore it, and see where it leads you. You might be surprised where you arrive. Don't be afraid to let yourself think. It's very disappointing when I see people so concerned about their BPD or whatever else that they halt thoughts and feelings as they're afraid of where they might lead. Or, they doubt their own mind to such a great extent.

Hey Smile!

I'm glad you woke up better, and sometimes a tantamount of time in the tub does wonders for the soul.

I don't think that you're acting like a loon, but you MUST be used to having a little more control over your feelings, as this is making you feel "as if" you're acting like a loon. I don't think that you are at all. I think you're having a natural reaction to things, and you're just not happy with the way you're acting about the situation.

Yeah, maybe you're acting like a child in saying what you've said to him, but so what? We all know it feels better to make someone hurt when they have hurt us. Doesn't make it right, but it feels damn good.

And your gram passing in the middle of this is what probably took you out of the control seat. I think you need to give yourself a break and realize that you've done a WONDERFUL job in the mix of it :0).

I'm here for you!

AMP

He still won't properly talk to me. That whole "unreal person" thing really bothers him. Lol.

I don't care... Makes me laugh, really. Lol.

I have two love interest people, I mean, maybe... Neither are really ideal, but they're both nice and I'm just doing that thing where I assume EVERYONE could be a love interest...
But one I see every week and the other is coming out with me Friday. It would be nice to have someone to go out with sometimes... I'm so bored... Might help...

I dunno.. That's my life right now...
That and lots of sammiches.