Cliché

I'm having a bit of a hard time here coping with, you guessed it, some abandonment issues.
My best friend of a few years and I had recently entered into a (quite transient) relationship. He, much to my dismay and not unmet by great resistance, recently (2 weeks ago) decided to end the relationship. This was bad enough on me, I spent days upon days laying in my bed miserable and letting myself think I would never be able to feel the same way for someone, that I didn't deserve to have anyone, etc. Anyway, per-usual, he wanted to continue to be "best friends." I was very resistant to that idea, because I remember how miserable I was when we were not in a relationship: constantly worrying about if he was with someone else or that he was starting to like someone else without my knowledge. Now to the main issue. We have always been very close, as friends or as more. We haven't gone a single day in the past two years without talking to each other for a significant portion of the day. Now, in a week, we both will be going off to different universities. I have been really dreading this because, due to my BPD, I get very jealous when he spends any time with anyone other than myself. For the past couple of weeks, I have constantly been calling him telling him how much I hate him and never want to speak to him again, only to call him right back telling him I am sorry and he is my best friend and I can't imagine living without him. Today I was having a conversation with him and we were talking about going off to college. We started talking about how it is going to be difficult to keep up our friendship. Then came the stunner. He said this to me: "I know it's going to be hard. But I will try to talk to you at least once a month."

Click.
I had to hang up the phone because I was so panicky. This is a person who I am completely obsessed with and literally cannot function without talking to. I was expecting a "I'll try to call you every night before I get started on work or go out." So basically all day today I have been a nervous wreck. I am showing it physically. My family has been commenting on how pale I am. I am shaking uncontrollably. I guess the point of this post is to ask: how am I supposed to even survive (at least for the next week) without breaking down as I always do and texting or calling him, when I know I am not wanted? I can (and have before) make these promises to myself that I am not going to let it bother me, or that I am not going to talk to him, and just give him space, but four hours later I find myself typing a message or making a phone call. What can I do? Am I just a lost cause?

Please BREATHE. Just for a moment :0).

You are putting all of your happiness on another person, and that's a huge cross to bear. Do you have any other friends? Or a therapist? Are you on any medications?

I mean, at least he was honest with you about the amount that he plans to keep in touch. That has set a boundary and an expectation. I know that it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but it appears that that is how it is going to be.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but it sounds like you need to build a support system around yourself, and quickly. I hope that you are attending therapy, or at least are in search of one. This will help you tremendously with your attachment issues. We all have them, but you are obsessed with this person, and it can't be a comfortable feeling for them/him.

Please let us know how you're doing.

AMP

It sounds like what I am going through with my ex. We weren't best friends before we started dating, but once we were in a relationship he was my best best friend. He was the person I went to for everything, I would talk to him all the time, every day! I was also very jealous, even if he complimented about some celebrity that night I wouldn't be able to sleep because I would be thinking I am not hot enough for him. He broke up with me a week ago and it seems like i am wandering around like a lost soul without him. I messaged him saying I hate him many times and I want to get revenge, but then I went say sorry and you know how the cycle is. It is a really difficult time, I understand you. You made him your everything, even a person without bpd would be suffering a lot. It's not easy losing a best friend and the guy you love, at once. I am telling you what I am doing, going out and keeping myself busy. I am really trying to keep myself happy without him. He is also going to a different university this year, so we won't be keeping in touch a lot. It gives me a heart attack every time I think about it. But what can I do? I can't grab onto his arm and beg him not to leave me..even though it does tempt me sometimes. I just look for more reasons to be happy, like I am single. Single shouldn't mean we are alone, it should give you a chance to try out things you hadn't while you were in a relationship. Spend more time with yourself, take care of yourself, think about yourself more than him. You can message me anytime if you want to talk about this I am hoping both of us get through this safely without hurting someone or ourselves.

jakewilson28 wrote:I'm having a bit of a hard time here coping with, you guessed it, some abandonment issues.
My best friend of a few years and I had recently entered into a (quite transient) relationship. He, much to my dismay and not unmet by great resistance, recently (2 weeks ago) decided to end the relationship. This was bad enough on me, I spent days upon days laying in my bed miserable and letting myself think I would never be able to feel the same way for someone, that I didn't deserve to have anyone, etc. Anyway, per-usual, he wanted to continue to be "best friends." I was very resistant to that idea, because I remember how miserable I was when we were not in a relationship: constantly worrying about if he was with someone else or that he was starting to like someone else without my knowledge. Now to the main issue. We have always been very close, as friends or as more. We haven't gone a single day in the past two years without talking to each other for a significant portion of the day. Now, in a week, we both will be going off to different universities. I have been really dreading this because, due to my BPD, I get very jealous when he spends any time with anyone other than myself. For the past couple of weeks, I have constantly been calling him telling him how much I hate him and never want to speak to him again, only to call him right back telling him I am sorry and he is my best friend and I can't imagine living without him. Today I was having a conversation with him and we were talking about going off to college. We started talking about how it is going to be difficult to keep up our friendship. Then came the stunner. He said this to me: "I know it's going to be hard. But I will try to talk to you at least once a month."

Click.
I had to hang up the phone because I was so panicky. This is a person who I am completely obsessed with and literally cannot function without talking to. I was expecting a "I'll try to call you every night before I get started on work or go out." So basically all day today I have been a nervous wreck. I am showing it physically. My family has been commenting on how pale I am. I am shaking uncontrollably. I guess the point of this post is to ask: how am I supposed to even survive (at least for the next week) without breaking down as I always do and texting or calling him, when I know I am not wanted? I can (and have before) make these promises to myself that I am not going to let it bother me, or that I am not going to talk to him, and just give him space, but four hours later I find myself typing a message or making a phone call. What can I do? Am I just a lost cause?

Sounds like you are feeling his emotions and thinking his thoughts. What about your own feelings and your own throughts?

you say you hung up the phone in a panik. Good for you for disengaging. Why though? Not his why, YOUR why? What is that panik trying to tell you? What were you thinking and feeling at that moment?
These questions are more to ask yourself, because they may take some reflextion, but if you want to answer them thats fine too. They may not take reflections, you may readily know the anwers. Welcome to the gateway of the grey, unchartered spaces

Thank you all for your responses. I have three therapists, a drug specialty counselor (I am a recovering addict), a PhD psychologist, and a MD psychiatrist. I am currently taking Lamictal (100 mg) and Wellbutrin (150 mg). I have many friend that I trust and vent to, but still I just feel like there is some magic advice that I am searching for. I had an emotional relapse of sorts last night after I posted this, calling and begging. This seems to be my main problem, I just can't stop myself.

jakewilson28 wrote: I just can't stop myself.

Well then allow yourself to experience the feelings, and explore them. Let them be, they are part of your consciousness. These feelings are messages within us trying to be heard. What are these feelings telling you. Where do they come from. Do they reflect who you really are, or are they false perceptions (are they in your own mind, not in his or anyone elses like you were doing before)

Well I just got a bombshell.
He told me that he would enter back into a relationship with me, but under a huge list of conditional circumstances. Some of them are very ridiculous; he is basically telling me I have to change my entire life if I want to be with him. Yet, I agreed. But I'm having second doubts....

Is he worth going through the trouble of making changes in your life? Are you in love with him?

I dont understand how someone can love you, yet want you to change. I don't get it.
I think this conditions thing is very controlling and I don't like it. Aren't you special and unique as you are. This condition list is going to cause a lot of inner conflict. It will cause you to deny your self. Do you really need or want that? I don't think that is safe emotionally and mentally. And how come only you change, does he have to change too?

Sorry, but I don't like this at all (for me of course, if it were me). He wants you to be his own molded version of you.

InvisibleGhost wrote:I dont understand how someone can love you, yet want you to change. I don't get it.
I think this conditions thing is very controlling and I don't like it. Aren't you special and unique as you are. This condition list is going to cause a lot of inner conflict. It will cause you to deny your self. Do you really need or want that? I don't think that is safe emotionally and mentally. And how come only you change, does he have to change too?

Sorry, but I don't like this at all (for me of course, if it were me). He wants you to be his own molded version of you.

I don't completely agree nor disagree with the above quote, but here is my question:

What exactly is he wanting you to change? If it is your destructive behavior and your ranting and raving, then I agree that it is time to effect some changes. No one can put up with abuse and turmoil all the time, especially when they don't cause it, they're just the receiver all the time. If he wants you to change the way you dress, blah blah blah, then yeah, that's not fair and screw that. But if it is about your tendencies to be out in left field, then maybe this is the catalyst you need to get better.

There is nothing wrong with someone wanting to see you be a better person, or get well. And it sounds like you have some work to do. You wanted him so badly, and were so hurt that he left you and was only going to contact you monthly, now he wants a relationship and you're holding back the reigns.

What gives?

AMP