I strongly believe that I have BPD

I'll start by explaining (or try to) what my life is like right now...
I'm 24 and male and am in a relationship that has been going for almost 7 years. Ever since the very beginning I've been acting strangely, in ways that I'd never noticed before. In the early days I would get easily offended with what my BF would say to me, these things would be literally minute. Like a compliment or a difference of opinion. I would close down and ignore him, seething with anger. This kind of scenario has been gradually getting worse and worse as time has passed. At this very moment in my life I can see that my behavior has worsened and has moved from just being focused on my BF, but to my close family and friends.
I can see a pattern though, with the relationships I have with others. I can be black/white with my BF and family, but constantly white with my friends.

I am currently seeing a counselor, have been for a few months now. No mention of any disorders, but he thinks that I am suffering with a depression. I know that it's more than that, and I decided to use the internet to look. When I was reading about BPD I started crying my eyes out, almost everything rang true to me.

I just need a little advice, or guidance because I have never felt this helpless or alone...

Orion,

It's highly important to bring your ideas to your counselor/therapist. Only a professional can diagnose you. Although a lot of people highly identify with BPD traits, it does not always mean that you meet all of the critera. There is a list of 9 criterion of which 5 you must meet to be diagnosed. We have a lot of people searching for answers on here (and I have been one of them), but you definitely need to bring this up with your professional. I feel for you, and know how you're feeling.

My therapist and pdoc diagnosed me as BPD over a year ago, but only allowed me to know when I brought it up to them myself. I guess its not a diagnosis that those of us that are BPD are thought to be able to "handle". I probably couldn't have handled it, but after educating myself about it, I feel comfortable with my diagnosis, and wish I hadn't lost so much time in researching the wrong things.

Some professionals shy away from this diagnosis also because it can be a diagnosis that will hinder other professional from taking you on as a client. That truly sucks, but it's the truth.

Good luck in your discoveries, and I hope the very best for you! Welcome to our forum! I'm sure that you will feel at home here :0)

AMP

Thank you for such a detailed reply, it really made my day that somebody has the time to listen and to give me positive feedback.
I have my next counselling session tomorrow (Thursday), I'll tell him that I strongly think that I may have BPD, and ask about diagnosis. I always have this fear that when I mention any sort of mental disorder people just look at me and think that I am exaggerating. I can appear to be normal a lot of the time, but behind closed doors I can flip so badly from nice to horrifically nasty. My counselor hasn't witnessed me being that way, I don't think he actually will either because I know that when he tries to gauge a reaction with role-play I know it's all just a game. I try very hard to be truthful with him, but there are moments where I hold back telling certain things to save face. In my last session he asked what we talked about in our previous session, I said "vaguely" and he asked me to tell him, I had completely forgotten and he knew I was lying to him I think... I know I should have said I'd forgotten but I instinctively tried to get away with knowing.

I've nattered on too much, and I'm sorry if this looks like a wall of text

Orion-

It's not a wall of text, it's just a wall of feelings :0). That's even better.

I've lost count of how many good "normal me" days that people have witnessed while also forgetting the corresponding times I've released a rage of torment to someone for the slightest disappointment. I'm really working on myself, but some days I lose sight of where I'm trying to go. I think this is the nature of the beast.

You should let your therapist know that you do suspect that you have BPD, but you may also want to tell him/her that you hold back a lot in your sessions. Although, fully being BPD makes it very hard to hold back emotions, so it sounds like you're already practicing! Good for you!!! That's HUGE!

I can hold back in public, but I have moments to myself when I wish the entire world would go away and it would only be me. That way I couldn't let anyone down, and no one could let me down either.

AMP

That's exactly the way I feel when around most people, that they are just annoyances and it really rages me up inside. My BF was chewing some food right next to me and I just flipped out and started calling him a noisy -expletive-, it really did annoy me and I took the situation to a whole new level. I love him so much, but in the same breath I can hate him more than anybody I have ever known. I do try to control myself but sometimes all sense goes out of the window and he gets a face full of verbal abuse. Sometimes even physical abuse, which I am extremely ashamed of, it makes me feel sick inside knowing that I could hurt him. At the time I was so enraged, he wouldn't let me out of our apartment until I calmed down, but he was just making me worse.
There's no excuse for that behavior, I know. But sometimes I feel that I am just secondary to my emotions...

Well, BPD or not, we all have to take responsiblity for our actions. And it sounds like you need to step up and do that. Not just apologize for your actions after they happen, but find some sort of system that works for you - whether or not it is taking 10 full seconds before you reply to something when you're in the middle of name-calling, or asking to go take a walk before finishing a conversation that is upsetting you. You need to talk to your bf when you're calm, and not while you feel the rage building. You need to set some boundaries for your behavior, and plans for what you intend to do when these things come on. I know its not the easiest thing to do, but YOU DO control your OUTPUT, even if you cannot manage your emotions.

I think that's the easiest way to put that... at least, that's how I see myself...

AMP

That makes a lot of sense to me, it really does. One of my major problems is controlling my actions and the things I say. I'm not one for thinking before I open my mouth, and he does tell me that. I know he is trying his hardest to help me, and he must get so frustrated when I don't appear to have changed my ways when we argue the next time. I tend to play the victim a lot, and never see that I am to blame for certain circumstances. I think I have a long way to go in that regard, BPD or not, as you say.

Well, my take on that is that things can only get better, and it's UP from here :0).

It IS hard to filter what comes out of your mouth before you say it, but if the two of you can come up with a game plan BEFORE you get in another situation, I think that might benefit greatly. It is hard to put into effect, but I am a firm believer in practice makes perfect.

I also think that taking a time out for yourself before you start spewing nastiness is essential to having this relationship work out. You're testing him over and over, and eventually, he is going to tire of it. And then you'll be in even worse shape.

Let me know how things go! We are all here for you!

AMP

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to respond to me

I'll be at my counseling session tomorrow, and I intend to voice my opinions on my condition. I'll keep this thread updated if I can, not only for peace of mind but to keep a record to look back on when I need to.

Thank you again