trying to work out how i feel

Im hoping that writing this will help me work out how i feel, maybe someone might be able to help me understand coz at this moment im feeling quite confused.
I feel better but i know im not!! or am i???
I feel better but i dont want to be!! ?? dont get this, why dont i want to be????
I feel empty almost, not sure of how im feeling, what emotion, its not happy, sad, angry??...almost nothing!!
I feel like my past and present issues are insignificant and can not let myself open up beause of this reason...
I feel i should be hurting myself more...even when im not feeling so bad...why??

I dont understand how i feel....which is conusing me as i feel i need to always know how i feel.
???

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW! AND A LOT OF OTHER TIMES!

I don't completely understand why I am in that state. I remember I used to find excuses to cut myself, make myself angry over nothing, and I just wanted to FEEL something.

For bpd we are used to extreme emotions. When we should be happy, we are ecstatic; when we should be sad, we are depressed. And when things are going good, neither too happy or too sad, we don't feel it. I think we crave the intense emotions.

I also think that I don't want to be happy. I am scared of being happy..so when I am getting better and I feel happier suddenly I feel scared...like i'd rather have the bad things going on since I'm used to it than have a happy life. I am afraid that once i am enjoying my happy life something might take it away and i will be shattered again. It's confusing :s

I hope I helped you somehow...i'm interested to see what people will say cause i feel the same way!

i completely relate to this right now... i don't have any words of wisdom though, i apologize.

i slept from midnight last night until 8:30 tonight. i'd rather live through my dreams and what my mind comes up with than be awake and be "this", whatever this is.

i feel all 'backed-up' emotionally. like i have all these different feelings that want to come out and be expressed but they just don't. i can't even cry lately, which is the complete opposite of me crying 24/7 about a year ago. and although i'm not crying or throwing an angry fit every 5 seconds, i somehow don't feel like i'm any 'better', AT ALL.

rabeeto wrote:although i'm not crying or throwing an angry fit every 5 seconds, i somehow don't feel like i'm any 'better', AT ALL.

I get that feeling a lot! I just get so frustrated with myself when it happens. I feel like i don't know anything myself...i can't understand the emotion I have, i can't express it...I just look for other things to give me something to feel. I always cut when I feel that way, but i quit that. Now i just surround myself with people and try to feel what they feel...weird.

thanks lonely world and rabeeto...

your replys have really helped me a bit....its still confusing but i can totally relate to what your saying...especially

I don't completely understand why I am in that state. I remember I used to find excuses to cut myself, make myself angry over nothing, and I just wanted to FEEL something.

For bpd we are used to extreme emotions. When we should be happy, we are ecstatic; when we should be sad, we are depressed. And when things are going good, neither too happy or too sad, we don't feel it. I think we crave the intense emotions.

I also think that I don't want to be happy. I am scared of being happy..so when I am getting better and I feel happier suddenly I feel scared...like i'd rather have the bad things going on since I'm used to it than have a happy life.

and.....

although i'm not crying or throwing an angry fit every 5 seconds, i somehow don't feel like i'm any 'better', AT ALL.

Part of me keeps telling myself that i am just an attention seeker or something, that i enjoy feeling crap (even though when i am i want it to stop)...

Ive noticed recently that no matter how im feeling at a certain time, its like ive always felt this way, so if im depressed then i convince myself that i have always felt like this...same with happy, angry, lonely....and now this...nothing...it feels like ive always felt nothing..and that all what i can remember and was like, its like it must have never been...but it was... but right now, feeling this 'nothingness' makes me feel like the last 20 years of feeling like this has all totally been in my head

i know this is not true deep down but in my head it feels this way.

I think we are so flipping confusing in we!!! argh!

thank you so much for your comments.x

I really feel that you are dealing with the same thing as in your post about closure. For me I fear getting better because I am afraid of becoming invisible, and if I am invisible than my needs really won't get met. It's a very child like way of thinking. For me it's a constant push pull between wanting to be seen and acknowledged and fearing being seen because people will see how bad I am.
I think that when you minimize things you are becoming invisible to yourself.

mooshoo wrote:I really feel that you are dealing with the same thing as in your post about closure. For me I fear getting better because I am afraid of becoming invisible, and if I am invisible than my needs really won't get met. It's a very child like way of thinking. For me it's a constant push pull between wanting to be seen and acknowledged and fearing being seen because people will see how bad I am.
I think that when you minimize things you are becoming invisible to yourself.

this is a perfect way of explaining things for me.....thank u.xxx it fits perfectly.x

Ive noticed recently that no matter how im feeling at a certain time, its like ive always felt this way, so if im depressed then i convince myself that i have always felt like this...same with happy, angry, lonely....and now this...nothing...it feels like ive always felt nothing..and that all what i can remember and was like, its like it must have never been...but it was... but right now, feeling this 'nothingness' makes me feel like the last 20 years of feeling like this has all totally been in my head

Wow, that's ME. It's scary how a lot of things i read on this forum sounds like things i am struggling with!

To explain these weird emotions...i think our brain works like a child a lot of times. We are still like kids. Since we didn't get to express our emotions as a child..now that we have a chance to or since our brain is developing then the emotions are coming out. You know how angry kids get over something small and they think it's the end of the world? That's how bpd is, we cling to extreme emotions and we can't relate to any other emotion in that state. We are mature people...but our childlike side comes out sometimes

Wow, that's ME. It's scary how a lot of things i read on this forum sounds like things i am struggling with!

It great isnt it. i am like you and have only recently found out of this site....it makes such a difference just knowing that there are people out there who think in the same sort of ways, it great not feeling like the only person in the world to feel like it! And i finally have a way that i can express andask questions about how i feel, whereas before i was always to embarrassed about how i felt so never ever discussed it.

To explain these weird emotions...i think our brain works like a child a lot of times. We are still like kids. Since we didn't get to express our emotions as a child..now that we have a chance to or since our brain is developing then the emotions are coming out. You know how angry kids get over something small and they think it's the end of the world? That's how bpd is, we cling to extreme emotions and we can't relate to any other emotion in that state. We are mature people...but our childlike side comes out sometimes

This is soooo true, i often feel like i am still a child in my head,.....but at the same time i can be so mature and everything that a child is not....but then its like that child is constantly lurking around inside me trying to come out.....i really can relate to the way mooshoo commented:

I really feel that you are dealing with the same thing as in your post about closure. For me I fear getting better because I am afraid of becoming invisible, and if I am invisible than my needs really won't get met. It's a very child like way of thinking. For me it's a constant push pull between wanting to be seen and acknowledged and fearing being seen because people will see how bad I am.
I think that when you minimize things you are becoming invisible to yourself.

It great that we can all relate in so many ways. just need a few friends in real life who can and actually WANT to understand.... i know if it were me and it was a friend of mine, i would learn all about it just so i could understand how they felt...but them maybe that just me!

i can relate to that, i feel almost level atm, but it feels so diferent all the time and when i feel level, i sence danger lol. although mabe im not level mabe im just messed up.

im curious, does your persona change when your emotions change? or is that just me ?