Help!!!!! Im in tears at this point

I feel like I have lost total control over my life. I need any and all advice possible, Im practically in tears at this point. My family thinks of me as an embarassment and an emotional burden, as do practically each and every one of my friends. I am so scared to put myself out there, because the outcome is always the same. You go on a first date, and it ends up being the last. That only makes my condition that much worse, I start beating myself up over it.

Right now, people say I worry too much about what other people think, I read too much into things, and no matter what others say, I will second guess them anyways. Some of them are mean upfront, others will act all nice and friendly upfront, yet completely trash you when you're not around. So that has made it so I literally dont trust others. My family will tell me that they love me, but at this point, the emotion is completely numb. I don't feel it, my thought process does not recognize it, it's like I have completely lost the ability to feel loved, and even worse, the ability to love, even myself. My therapist tells me that I do have self worth, that I have so much to offer. She tells me that i just need to start loving myself. How do you do that, love yourself. That's like telling a business man to go build a house. He's not going to know where to even start.

Lately, I have been so depressed, that I will sleep 14 hours a day, at least. When I am awake, I am in so much emotional pain, that Id much rather be asleep or dead. I lay curled up in a ball on the couch, snuggled up in a blanket, completely lifeless. Im on medications that arent really helping, and often times I think they have just made it worse. I just started them, so I am still giving them some time to adjust.

The other thing, is any interaction I have with people is online (chatrooms and online dating sites), which i think has made my depression much much worse. Everyone knows that when your chatting to someone online, or even in general, they want perfection, like an instant connection, and they want it upfront. If you are not that, then all of a sudden you are not worth there time. Which again goes back to the self beating. It has got to the point where I am so terrified of any in person social interaction, I avoid it at all possible cost. I try to pull myself away from the online environment to get away from that false rejection, and actually start living, but then i have to face the loneliness and the fact that I have no one out there. Its like if i pull away, I actually have to face the facts of reality. It has already costed me my job at this point, and made it impossible to find another.

I havent paid rent in over 2 years, made about $15.00 the full two years, yet i am about $13,000 in debt, simply because i am bad with money management. Its not like i am going out there buying things, but I will either give hundreds away simply because someone says they need the money, and I feel like if i give them money, they will give me there friendship.

I just feel like my life has completely fallen apart, and at this point, im in a free fall where theres nothing to grab onto or pull me back up. Im scared, like i said earlier, I am in tears at this point. I want the help, but at this point, i dont want to live. Its like I want to live, more then anything. But I actually want to live, and be able to enjoy life. I cant stand to live another day like the ones I have the past couple of years. Please help, anyone and everyone who can reply to this post, it will be greatly appreciated.

-- Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:56 am --

To make things even worse or harder, I have isolated myself so much, since i was an early teen, that I have absolutely no social skills. People see me as socially awkward, weird, creepy, when in all honesty, I have the most amazing heart. People just dont understand me. Im different, Im trying, i am really really trying. But the more I try, the more I get rejected so it's only making it worse and that much more frustrating. Please help.

Well, this is all a little vague.

What do you think you are doing that will drive people away? Where are you meeting these people?

Find a job. Part time at least. It will get you back out there. How old are you? If you live in a big enough city, then there are probably thirty-something meeting places.

I don't trust anyone either. In fact, if someone is nice to me, that sets off alarms. Ha ha. So, you're not alone.

Do you have friends? You say you do, but which ones, if you think about it, do you think (think, not feel) really like you?

Well, all of us on here feel like the proverbial pain in the a$$ sometimes.

I know what you mean, but you are going to have to get yourself out there. I agree with the part time job. That is a good place to start. You were looking for a place to start, and I think that is an excellent one.

Why do you think that people believe you are creepy or weird? Is that your perception, or do people shy away from you?

It's hard to come out of your shell when you believe that others are perceiving you in a certain way, but I believe that you are going to have to make some concessions and get yourself out in the real world a little before you give up. Otherwise, you'll never know what might have been.

Of course people on dating sites are looking for that instant connection. You need to find out what YOU want in someone, and then see what you have to offer them. Otherwise, you're just drifting around looking for someone to make you complete. And that simply won't work.

Do you see a therapist or just a pdoc?

AMP

Z1t23ch3 wrote:Well, this is all a little vague.

What do you think you are doing that will drive people away? Where are you meeting these people?

Find a job. Part time at least. It will get you back out there. How old are you? If you live in a big enough city, then there are probably thirty-something meeting places.

I don't trust anyone either. In fact, if someone is nice to me, that sets off alarms. Ha ha. So, you're not alone.

Do you have friends? You say you do, but which ones, if you think about it, do you think (think, not feel) really like you?

As far as what I do that drives people away. I just pulled up a text message from my friend Jon explaining it. "You come off as a bit awkward socially, and people sometimes misread that to be creepiness, it's not fair" "I can see it, you may be trying too hard, but some other guys are able to get away with more without being accused of being weird or creepy".So apparently others see it, but i myself am still trying to figure it out. I dont think the same way others do. For me, it's all black and white, it can only be taken this way or its not. People tell me to try to think about it from the other persons viewpoint, and I can think for hours on end, and still not get it. Idk what it is.

Right now Im on short term disability, so they are securing me a job with pay, while i get some therapy and on the proper medications. Im hoping when I do return, that I will be stable enough to maintain my current job. My thing again goes back to the socially awkward part. People dont know how to perceive me, so I am always being sent to human resources for things I can not seem to figure out. Example, A big group of us all get off at the same time. So we all walk out at the same time. Next thing I know, one of the girls I work with is accusing me of stalking her, because I walk out to the parking lot with them. Im thinking if it was just you that was there, I could see where you would think that. But when both of us are among a group of people, who just happen to get off at the same time, I dont see how that is stalking. Another girl (one of the girls best friends of all people) then also accused me of stalking her for unwanted texts. I showed my supervisor my phone, and all the texts between us, and was able to prove that every conversation that was done, was all initiated by her, and at no point is there a text that even sends off the slightest clue that the texting was unwanted. So that was thrown out pretty quickly as well. This is part of way i dont trust people though, because people who i think are my friends, people who i think i can trust and talk to, always seem to find a way to make me regret it. My supervisor says its all about perception, and that i strongly lack that that sense. So idk.

As far as people being nice to me, thats exactly how I take it, they are just being nice, or they want something from me. I dont allow myself to make friends, because all my life I was always told by my parents "these people are not your friends, you guys arent buddies, you go to school together, you hang out at times, but that does not make you friends". Now that Im out of the house, I have people at church and work replacing it with "they are probably just being nice". So because of that, I think that plays a huge factor into that. People may really be my friend, they might really want to be my friend, at this point, I wouldnt even recognize it.

You're final comment, well, I guess the above paragraph pretty much sums it up. I mean I have people that will talk to me if i call them, they will talk to me online if i instant message them on facebook or something. But I do not have anyone that i can just say "hey, do you want to go to lunch, or watch a movie". I dont have anyone that I can just hang out with. I keep asking over and over again, it's just one excuse after another on why they can't. People are just dumb at times.

MissAli wrote:Well, all of us on here feel like the proverbial pain in the a$$ sometimes.

I know what you mean, but you are going to have to get yourself out there. I agree with the part time job. That is a good place to start. You were looking for a place to start, and I think that is an excellent one.

Why do you think that people believe you are creepy or weird? Is that your perception, or do people shy away from you?

It's hard to come out of your shell when you believe that others are perceiving you in a certain way, but I believe that you are going to have to make some concessions and get yourself out in the real world a little before you give up. Otherwise, you'll never know what might have been.

Of course people on dating sites are looking for that instant connection. You need to find out what YOU want in someone, and then see what you have to offer them. Otherwise, you're just drifting around looking for someone to make you complete. And that simply won't work.

Do you see a therapist or just a pdoc?

AMP

MissAli, how have you been. I've been worried about you, are things getting any better with you and your boyfriend? I commented on one of your posts, something about not being able to feel loved. Hopefully things are starting to look up and get better for you guys.

Again, going back to what drives people away, hopefully you can just read what I put on the last response. Im socially awkward, extremely socially awkward. So people dont know how to react to that. It's not like I make inappropriate remarks, gestures, or anything else. It's more, idk. I was once told that I have the social IQ of a 14 yr old by a therapist I was seeing, because growing up, i was never really able to develop properly, especially socially. Im sure there are people in my church that would be more then willing to help me develop these social skills, in fact help me out any way they can. But how can I approach them and ask them for there help, without it coming across weird or awkward. How would you word it, or how would you approach them about it (both people that come to mind are girls, so thats why you're the one im asking on this). How can you go up to someone and ask them if they will help you develop social skills, and help you mature socially to where youre at age level, and able to relate to people your own age?

I talked to my bishop (im LDS) about it tonight, and he said he is more then 100% sure that there are many people who would be willing to help me if i just put myself out there. I just want to know the best way to approach it.

As far as the online thing, my therapist and I both agreed to completely put that aside, that it was bringing me down way too much. I already beat myself up enough, no need to add onto that. Tonight my roommate invited me to play sand volleyball with some friends that he gets together with every Tuesday. They were so more than welcoming and accepting, and I had such a great time. So I think this in person thing may just be working out for the best.

Hi B! It's good to hear from you again. It's been a few days. Maybe because you're getting out and about in person!! YAY!!!

Thank you for asking about me! I am feeling much better about my relationship with the boyfriend, although I'm irritated today, and it's all about my own mood, and I've cast it onto him. I need to serioiusly stop doing that stupid crap. It's overwhelming for him, and too fleeting for me. I need to have the "pause" button that my therapist tells me about. I need to look further than the current mood. I need to meditate with "It's only temporary". Sigh. Enough about me!! :0)

So you are getting out and about!!! WOW!!!! I am REALLY proud of you!! And it certainly sounds like its working out for the better! I couldn't be happier to hear that! And I do agree with your therapist, no reason to go online dating. Sometimes its too much, and people are usually just looking for flings on there anyways. When you're ready, we can all help you prepare :0).

I think, that if there are a couple girls available at church that you would feel comfortable talking to about the social awkwardness, then you should GO FOR IT!!! I mean, you could approach it as something like, "Hey, I know I'm not the smoothest guy around, but is there any way that you could help me learn to feel more comfortable in groups? Maybe give me some tips and pointers? I'm really trying to better myself here." I don't think too many people could turn that down :0). I think its wonderful that you have a great relationship with your church, as that is a serious strength in your corner.

I think once you start getting the hang of being around people more, and the interaction, you will find that the "creepy" comments will disappear :0)

Best of luck! Thinking of ya!!

AMP