Why can't we feel love?

My bf has been WONDERFUL the past couple days, and I have to admit - the problem is ME. I question it, I make a big deal of it, I am a problem in ITSELF.

What is our problem? Why can't we just accept the love given by others? Why can't we feel the love GIVEN by others? I feel like I'm UNABLE to get there... does it all have to do with the vulnerability aspect? The inability to love MYSELF?

Errrrggghhhh.... I suck.

AMP

(((hugs)))

I don't know...I think I could when I was young; I remember feeling very loved by my grandparents. Even as an adult, I felt loved by them, especially my grandfather, but I missed the last decade+ of his life due to avoiding family so I didn't have to embarrass them with what a failure I was, compared to the other grandchildren. Other than that, I've never accepted or returned love. Are we ever able to fix it? I'm not even capable of having a relationship - I try to fool myself into believing I am, but as soon as someone shows any interest, I'm repulsed by them. Even if I was the one initially chasing them.

(((hugs)))

You can feel love but it hurts right now. Embrace that pain and you will heal.

Im the same Ali, as much love as I get it's never enough. My psych seems to think we have an image of "perfect love" that no-one can live up to. I kind of agree. I tell people I love them, and when they respond I tell them they're only telling me to shut me up and make me feel better, that they dont love me at all. And I question it all the time.

I think my thirst for love would be sated if someone were to hug me non-stop forever. But even then I dont think that would ever be enough...

Chaudement wrote:I think my thirst for love would be sated if someone were to hug me non-stop forever. But even then I dont think that would ever be enough...

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I try my best to feel my bf's love and actually trust him, but there's this wall I can't get rid of. When it comes to intimacy, I have to force myself to even kiss him because I just don't feel it. I can go on without it forever! But, when I feel that I hurt him and I see hurt in his eyes..i feel hurt as well and I feel really close to him. That's something I don't understand. So does my bf have to go through pain in order for me to feel love?! AHH! I am terrible...

Maybe because if we feel love, then it also means we can feel pain. We don't want to feel that love so we won't have to feel the pain when we lose it. We need an overcompensated form of love to give us an extra form of security against losing that love. We need more proof of the love, than others do to convince us its real. And we think we are going to lose it anyway, so we don't want to get too attached to having it, then it wont hurt so much when we lose it.

MissAli wrote:My bf has been WONDERFUL the past couple days, and I have to admit - the problem is ME. I question it, I make a big deal of it, I am a problem in ITSELF.

What is our problem? Why can't we just accept the love given by others? Why can't we feel the love GIVEN by others? I feel like I'm UNABLE to get there... does it all have to do with the vulnerability aspect? The inability to love MYSELF?

Errrrggghhhh.... I suck.

AMP

I don't know, but do let me know when you work it out, yes?

I completely relate to your frustration, I'm going to cite a personal issue of mine that gives me great grief -- while it is not the same as your situation, it's all related. The inability to love or feel love manifests itself in a multitude of ways, I've learnt.

Anyway, getting on with it: I have a problem --whether it still exists or not, being married for 7 years I can't say-- where I'll fall in love with someone and then at some stage experience 'emotional amnesia' the feelings of love (or what I believe(d) to be love?) would feel very strong, and I was certain of them, and then slowly, I felt it slipping away like sand slipping through your hands or a sink full of water pouring down the drain. I desperate tried to seal up my fingers, or block the drain but it was pointless. I'd remember everything about the person, but I began to slowly lose the 'warm' feeling and after a while I couldn't even remember why I had loved them.

"Whose do feelings just evaporate? What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of a person am I?!" I'd ask myself.

It was always a terrifying experience; they'd done nothing to diminish my feelings for them, so where were they going? Left it its place was an empty, cold, lonely void. I thought I was feeling love and was all psyched and then *poof*,.. it just wasn't normal. Also, I felt immense guilt thinking of the feelings of the girl I stopped loving, so as not to hurt her feelings and/or crush her I tried to pretend it was still alive but the facade didn't hold up very long.

In the long run, I just made it worse for her by prolonging the agony. The relationship ended up being like a slow, painful death rather than her just being let go to be free to get over it and move on. My intentions were good,.. I was just inexperienced.

I don’t think I ever felt loved, or safe for that matter. I love my family deeply but growing up and hearing the word blood, that they are connected by blood and im adopted it feels like in ranking I'd fall after all the blood family members.. that’s how I felt when I was 13 no actually its been said to me, "I can never love you the way I love my sisters or nephews and nieces, they are from my flesh and blood and your not" I think that’s the point where I felt that I wasn’t loved and all those past years was pretending, then after few years i realized that i was loved its just not enough, im not the priority..when someone says they love me I think they either pity me or they're messing with me.. now im 25 never been in a real relationship, never had a long term friend,..with family its all confusing.. I don’t think we cant feel love, I think we cant believe someone would actually love us, or that’s how I feel, I don’t believe it and I think its temporary..and i've been through enough to throw myself at something temporary

outcaster wrote:I don’t think I ever felt loved, or safe for that matter.

Me neither. I can't even say I love my family deeply, because I don't know what 'love' is. I am protective of them and more tolerant of them than acquaintances, but I feel like a visitor in the family. As for romantic relationships, men annoy me too much to bother. The men I meet have designs on themselves, look in the mirror and see a 10 when they're a 3, and yet pick at all the minor faults of women, as though they are God's gift. People generally repulse me lol.

MissAli wrote:My bf has been WONDERFUL the past couple days, and I have to admit - the problem is ME. I question it, I make a big deal of it, I am a problem in ITSELF.

What is our problem? Why can't we just accept the love given by others? Why can't we feel the love GIVEN by others? I feel like I'm UNABLE to get there... does it all have to do with the vulnerability aspect? The inability to love MYSELF?

Errrrggghhhh.... I suck.

AMP

I have to admit that I can't really feel the love thats showered on me by my family or my (ex)boyfriend. I can feel the attention and I really enjoy and revel in it, but that's not the same, I know. It's also very difficult for me to express love to others. Again, I can express appreciation, but that is different. I've been told by my previous therapists that since I don't "love" <whatever that means> myself, then I can't fully love others.

miss_communication wrote:(((hugs)))

I don't know...I think I could when I was young; I remember feeling very loved by my grandparents. Even as an adult, I felt loved by them, especially my grandfather, but I missed the last decade+ of his life due to avoiding family so I didn't have to embarrass them with what a failure I was, compared to the other grandchildren. Other than that, I've never accepted or returned love. Are we ever able to fix it? I'm not even capable of having a relationship - I try to fool myself into believing I am, but as soon as someone shows any interest, I'm repulsed by them. Even if I was the one initially chasing them.

I too believed that I could feel love when I was a young child, but it has been devoid from my life for more than 2 decades now and I'm afraid I may never feel love or learn to give it to someone else again. Even as a child though, my family said that I would never let anyone hug me to express their love for me. It felt too awkward to be hugged I remember. It didn't feel right and it didn't feel deserved.

The relationships I've had have either been built around sex or around my partner loving and worshipping me, showering me with attention. I have never been able to give back to those I want to love.

Like some of the other posters, I too felt plenty of pain but never love. But then again, I'm not just borderline but a Narc as well, which probably limits my prognosis.