Violent BPD brother creating terror at home

Big thanks to moderators and members who are supporting these forums for the sake of humanity. I need help big time.

My elder brother who is 33 years old is a BPD. He is divorced. He takes medicines but no continuous therapy. In last 3.5 years, we have sent him to 6 therapist but everytime he leaves them after few classes.He has been creating violent scenes since the age of 15.

Yesterday he created a big violent scene. He is having daily fights in his job and yesterday he came back home and started breaking household things. He beated my parents and was in total rage. I had to call police and they helped him to cool down.

He always have unreasonable demands and if we dont fulfill his unreasonable demands, he will abuse us and creates a terror at home.

The only solution for me is to move out of house and live my own life. I am currently a student and cant leave home. Everytime he sees me around, he starts manipulating and complaining about his personal problems and expect me to find him a new job.

I have helped him tremendously in the past and he has lot of fear that i will abandon him. Ultimately, i think if i abandon him, he will get a jolt/shock and will try to improve himself by seeking a therapy. But as i mentioned at the moment i dont have resources to move out and live peacefully without daily terror.

Please help me by giving your suggestions. Please save me from this terror. This is a very tough battle because i should not give in to his unreasonable demand and reinforce his BPD behavior.

I can't save you from anything, but advice I can give. In your situation, it may be best for you to leave the situation just as you suggested. Your brother is posing a threat to you and is making you miserable. At his age I think he should be responsible for himself, it's not your fault and it's not your job to control him or find him a new job. Find a way to distance yourself.

ajrocker8 wrote:I can't save you from anything, but advice I can give. In your situation, it may be best for you to leave the situation just as you suggested. Your brother is posing a threat to you and is making you miserable. At his age I think he should be responsible for himself, it's not your fault and it's not your job to control him or find him a new job. Find a way to distance yourself.

Thanks ajrocker8 for your helpful reply. He is a big manipulator. When he is creating a terror scene, he does not break his own objects like his laptop, table, spectacles etc.

But he breaks household objects like sofa, glasses to create terror. He also give lot of suicide threats. Till now he never got any motivation to improve. Me and my parents give him lot of support and he keeps terrorising us. No boundaries have been set till now.

Can you please help me what should i do when he starts creating terror again? I have noticed if i leave home, he stops as i am not around. But yesterday i also lot my temper and accused him verbally and he created more terror thus in end police intervention was required.

I dont want to do suicide as except his terror, my life is bright.

Press charges, have him arrested or committed. Your lives could easily be in danger.

He's 33. Why is he living at his parents' home? They should kick him out.

I'm going to be REALLY honest here.

You said that he calms down and doesn't do this stuff when you're not around? What about your parents? Does he do it if THEY are around, even though YOU are not?

If the answer to that is no, and that it's mostly where you are concerned, then I'm guessing that he is enjoying/fixated on getting the response out of YOU. BPD's like attention, negative or not, and this situation appears to be reaching a CRUCIAL crisis point.

Next time the police are called (because undoubtedly, they WILL be), you need to come to a resolution with your parents that you ask that he be hospitalized. There is little that ANY of you are going to be able to do, other than flee the situation and home EVERY time it begins to happen. And you're right, he's not breaking HIS stuff, he's ruining everyone ELSE'S. And it doesn't sound like he's in any mood to be empathetic to the needs of the rest of the home, only to himself.

There is NO excuse for his behavior, BPD or not. There is NO excuse for his lack of interest in the lives of others. He CAN control himself - or he'd be breaking EVERYONE'S stuff, including his own.

I think that someone needs to take control here, and explore some big decisions that need to be made. And this, unfortunately, sounds like he could truly benefit from some in-patient care. he is NOT going to wake up better on his own.

I wish I had better news for you, or even advice. But we are HERE for you, please let us know how it works out.

*hugs*

AMP

Yeah, as Ali said, we have BPD. This is a BPD forum, but people without it are welcome and come in and out or lurk.

Anyway, the problem with your brother is that he is aware he has BPD to the point where he's taking meds for it but he doesn't even seem to be educating himself or working on understanding himself. Mind you though not all those with BPD are your brother --and I'm not dissing him, don't even know him-- meaning each and every one is individual.

That said, for many simply discovering they have BPD will halt a lot of their injurious behaviors --at least towards others-- as they become aware of what they're doing, and why. That gives people a combination of motivation and self-empowerment through knowledge.

My point is, it sounds as if he's being wholly irresponsible.

Mainly I made this reply as you believed you'd come to a refuge from evil BPDness, and lo and behold, you're being aided by people with BPD.

Edit: Oh yeah, and many of the moderators where once consumers of this board. A fair few of the moderators have BPD, or have something else. I'm sorry, I sympathize with what you're going through or else I wouldn't have posted but posts that have this tone irritate me a little. I just wanted you to know that you're being helped not only by people with BPD, but moderators with BPD. Ironic? No, not really.

miss_communication wrote:He's 33. Why is he living at his parents' home? They should kick him out.

That's what often happens after a divorce. Generally, and is often the case in US, the ex-wife will hold onto the house in the divorce. Men, in general, have more trouble getting over the loss of a marriage and can really freak out over it. So they'll ask to stay at their parents house until they find a flat/apartment for themselves with the silent knowledge of the parents that they'll be living there a short while for emotional support. They need Mom and Dad, or one of the two.

I lived with my Dad and at my Grandfathers house for at least 6 months and my Dad is very successful and had plenty of money--Divorce or no.

Thank you so much to Black Dove,miss_communication, MissAli,Apocallcaps for their useful inputs and guidance.

Apocallcaps wrote:Edit: Oh yeah, and many of the moderators where once consumers of this board. A fair few of the moderators have BPD, or have something else. I'm sorry, I sympathize with what you're going through or else I wouldn't have posted but posts that have this tone irritate me a little. I just wanted you to know that you're being helped not only by people with BPD, but moderators with BPD. Ironic? No, not really.

I apologise if my post irritated you. BPDs are great and talented individuals and the impulsive aggression/rage leading to destruction which my BPD brother shows is quite bad. All BPDs dont do that specially woman BPD.

My point is, it sounds as if he's being wholly irresponsible.

Very right. Bang on the target. He has the ability to treat us decently. He needs some tough love from now onwards.

You said that he calms down and doesn't do this stuff when you're not around? What about your parents? Does he do it if THEY are around, even though YOU are not

Hugs to MissAli. I am his main target. When ever he sees me around, he starts complaining about his life, job etc. If i am not around he will not have any incentive to create drama.

If there is a problem, there are solutions. A therapy can definitely help him out but he has no motivation to take therapy seriously. Dosage of tough love will improve him.

I am making plan to finally leave him as and when my resources allows. I am leaving him to regain my sanity. In case if he gets a jolt and start taking therapy seriously, it will be an added bonus.

I love myself and can not allow anyone to abuse me.

kevin3210 wrote:Big thanks to moderators and members who are supporting these forums for the sake of humanity. I need help big time.

My elder brother who is 33 years old is a BPD. He is divorced. He takes medicines but no continuous therapy. In last 3.5 years, we have sent him to 6 therapist but everytime he leaves them after few classes.He has been creating violent scenes since the age of 15.

Yesterday he created a big violent scene. He is having daily fights in his job and yesterday he came back home and started breaking household things. He beated my parents and was in total rage. I had to call police and they helped him to cool down.

He always have unreasonable demands and if we dont fulfill his unreasonable demands, he will abuse us and creates a terror at home.

The only solution for me is to move out of house and live my own life. I am currently a student and cant leave home. Everytime he sees me around, he starts manipulating and complaining about his personal problems and expect me to find him a new job.

I have helped him tremendously in the past and he has lot of fear that i will abandon him. Ultimately, i think if i abandon him, he will get a jolt/shock and will try to improve himself by seeking a therapy. But as i mentioned at the moment i dont have resources to move out and live peacefully without daily terror.

Please help me by giving your suggestions. Please save me from this terror. This is a very tough battle because i should not give in to his unreasonable demand and reinforce his BPD behavior.

my mum or family will not have me stay longer then a night or two for similor behavior to your brother
i use to put holes in the walls, through and smash things, verbally yell and scream at them, self harm, threaten suicide or attempt suicide, manipulation - stuff like that
that was 3 or 4 years now - im doing much better now - maybe it was the wake up call i needed - that and getting in trouble with the law - and i lost a friend because of those behavior's
im in no way cured but im learning to deal with stuff in better ways

I have had violent outbursts before. I've never hurt someone else, but I have certainly hurt myself, walls, glass objects, chairs, etc. I once cracked my wrist after taking out my frustrations on the wall. Punching a brick wall, as it turns out, is not a good way to vent stress. Who knew? BPD doesn't often afford you the time to think of such things beforehand.

Long story short, my tendency has always been to take my frustration out on myself or inanimate objects, never other people. However, and this is the point I was getting to, when I was a teenager and still living at home, my therapist advised my mother that if I ever DID become violent towards her or my father, the best thing they could do for me is...CALL THE POLICE. And from there, either have me arrested or sectioned for involuntary committal at the local mental ward for a few days (it's different everywhere, but in most places it's 72 hours).

Yes, people with BPD have a hard time controlling their impulses. BPD is not something that those of us who suffer with it can help. But getting counseling, learning how to control our impulses, THAT IS ENTIRELY WITHIN OUR CONTROL! Don't let your brother use his disease as an excuse - it isn't one.