Dissociated From My Anger

For years I was completely incapable of feeling anger, I had completely numbed myself to that emotion along with many other emotions, although I was still hypersensitive and easily triggered. However, with time I began to feel my anger, and I didn't like it. I hate that emotion and it scares me to feel it. Therapists have pointed out to me that I am very angry, however, I don't know how to express it and the emotion feels so hot to me that I cannot tolerate it. As I have been getting worse over the course of the past few months, I found my anger getting triggered several times a day by the most trivial things. My therapist and I figured out that I am getting angry whenever I feel invisible or that I don't have control. Last week everything shut down and I am completely incapable of feeling anger. I can see the anger under the surface and I at times can feel it vibrating within me. It feels as though my anger has possibly moved to a new level of intensity and maybe that's why I have dissociated from it. It's almost as if I have been given some drug that has blunted the anger and yet I am taking nothing. Has anyone else had this experience of dissociating from anger?

Yup, that's me to a tee. I internalise my rage because the emotion is too powerful to deal with and I'm conscious of the repercussions of acting out. I was always taught as a child to hold everything in and now my mother wonders why I am impassive.

Miss Communication, interestingly enough I just lost everything that I typed in reply to your comment and I cannot get angry about it! I can totally relate to what you said about the repercussions of expressing the anger. I am well aware that if I smashed every glass in my house, which I really wanted to do last night, that my worst fear would come true.....my husband would leave me. The inappropriate expression of anger brings consequences. And when you are all or nothing, like me, there isn't any awareness of a healthy way to get the anger out. It is comforting to know that someone else feels the same way, thanks for responding.

I miss lifting weights at the gym - getting pumped helped me get my aggression out. But then I got too self-conscious to go any more lol. If I weren't so lazy, I'd start running or cycling. But I am. I might get my dumbbells out and do a mini workout. I miss exercise addiction.

I miss all sorts of exercise, but I'm afraid if i dive in and do anything that could get me too hyped up right now - not just exercise - i will fly off into a frenzy on all the difficult feelings I'm dealing with and go ten steps back instead of taking it slowly and realistically. my anxiety levels are horrible at the moment and i'm really not ready for that, right now i'm trying to put my life back in shape one piece at at a time. I have always gone to extremes with anger - either total control & turned inwards, or very little. I'm learning to find somewhere in between as I break my own anger down into the different feelings that make it up. Before even walking down the street would make me angry. Now its half anger, and half sends my anxiety levels through the roof too.

mooshoo wrote:And when you are all or nothing, like me, there isn't any awareness of a healthy way to get the anger out.

Yep. I'd either turn it all in on myself of throw all of it outwards. Never anything in between.

This is interesting. What do you count as holding it in? Like not reacting to it or feeling it at all?


I am a very rageful person but I will pretend not to be if my anger or an angry reaction will cause someone to leave. I'll pretend to be fine with what they did even though on the inside I want to rip their head off.


If I know they won't leave me, I will go off the wall angry at them.

I can understand that very well. I don't know if I dissociate myself from my anger, but I am pretty good at hiding it well. Anger seems to be my most powerful emotion and I get angry over a lot of things but people interacting with me hardly ever notice. I just act carefree and placid with people even if I'm at my boiling point inside. The people who have seen me express my anger were horrified and cut me out of their life for good so I hide my anger to keep control of situations. I could be raging inside but it usually does no good for a situation unless serious aggression is called for.

Yeah, close to what you said Aj, close.

I don't pretend to be fine with stuff, I'll rage, but i can recognise that rage is likely to be irrational, so I step back and don't talk about it until I have it under control.

If I believe my rage is irrational i will say its not other people's fault - its NOT.

My anger management problem is mine. If one thing doesn't set it off another will. I come across calm on this forum because raging isn't constructive or helpful here, or in any relationship.

If i decide my anger was rational I will explain how later, when I am able to feel hurt and angry like a normal human being instead of violent/destructive.

In all honest right now i feel like killing someone. (Not anyone in particular, just anyone. This is NOT anyone else's fault it is my problem and its down to me to deal with it.)

I am NOT calm.

I often feel like my loved ones are wary of me when this happens but I'm also NOT an emotional (or physical) danger to my them when i'm like this, it isn't that sort of thing. I'm more likely problematic to random people outside my door or at risk of going out and getting myself another traffic ticket or crashing and burning than hurting anyone close to me. I don't feel like raging as in being emotionally/interpersonally difficult i feel raging more like this:



Not personal, me. THIS is problem im trying to sort, NOT being narcissistic/looking for "supply" when i post over in AsPD forum,

If i wanted to say something to my loved ones when i feel this way it would not be something nasty it would be "oh ###$, help me please."

Sometimes I do feel hurt/threatened and that is what sets it off, but it is a TRIGGERED REACTION just like any other and i understand it is MY ISSUES DOING IT. i dont feel hostile towards my loved ones if they have set it off, i just feel normal anger towards them if i am angry at them.

Just like effects of abandonement issues i cannot drop this reaction just like that.

Sorry for the sudden random interjection just trying to vent safely.

calmer now

lol

I displaced my anger for a long time. I still do. It gets out in various ways...sudden rages, substance abuse, constant sarcasm and cynicism.