Feel Like I Have to Abandon My Whole Family

Sorry if this comes out jumbled.

I remember a thread awhile back where a bunch of us were discussing whether or not it is a good idea to disclose your BPD. I have found that I don't regret telling the people in my group therapy classes. They understand. But I have found I regret now telling all my friends and family. It's like, as soon as they know you're Borderline, they get all afraid of your feelings and triggers and what-not and so they basically DO abandon you, even if they weren't going to before they knew the truth.

My son avoids me like the plague. My mom is avoiding me, too. I was in such terrible physical pain today that I tried to call my Mom, I was crying and just needed comfort. She didn't answer. Then I tried to call my son today, for the same reason and asked if he would call me. EIGHT HOURS later he sent a TEXT, asking if I was okay. He said he'd just woken up. I was so mad by then I couldn't respond. I waited awhile and then sent a text saying that when I could respond intelligently and rationally I would call him. So a couple hours later I did, feeling more in control.

He didn't answer AGAIN. I left him a message saying that I didn't understand. That it felt like he was avoiding me. I pointed out that he said he'd call me on Saturday, but didn't. I pointed out that he didn't respond to my text message on Saturday either asking him to call his grandmother, as she was feeling hurt that he hadn't let her know if he'd received a package that she'd sent to him two weeks before. I explained that I couldn't guess why he was so unresponsive, but it was concerning me and it hurt.

An hour later he sent a TEXT for crying out loud, saying he was battling his own demons, whatever that means and that he had talked to my mother (his grandmother) today to thank her for the package. I don't know what to think. I'd had a suspicion that my mother has been avoiding me lately. And it turns out, she was avoiding me. Since I know my son talked to her today, she obviously saw I called, so intentionally did not call me back.

I'd told her recently that I needed to try to deal with my own emotions better and should not vent so much with her (though I didn't mean when I am in severe physical pain). Ever since I told her that, she doesn't respond to emails or phone calls like she used to, even when they are just ordinary, not venting, not angry. I am just trying to have a normal, pleasant relationship. But she will always say she was just busy or whatever. But she NEVER used to say those things. She was always there.

It FEELS like she is messing with my head. Like she is trying to suck me back into being dependent on her emotionally, by intentionally avoiding me so as to make me feel abandoned and scared so that I will call her crying and thus restart the cycle.

I think I made a mistake telling my family. I feel like now I have lost all of them. I also feel like maybe these relationships are very unhealthy and that I should just step out of their lives, for my sake. I don't think it's healthy for me to NOT be able to count on them, even for a legitimate reason. Seriously, I am so physically unhealthy, and if I can't count on them to be there for even that, then, really what use are they to me?

I don't know whether to just stop talking to them entirely, or to just start lying constantly. Never talking about my emotions. In other words, if I am triggered, just lie and say, "I just hurt physically."

All I know is that I used to have some trust for my mother and my son, and now it is gone.

That sounds frustrating and isolating.

I think that for some people, it's really hard to adjust when they find out a family member has a mental illness. I remember that when my family found out one of my brothers had Aspergers, my Mum had a very hard time coping - to her, it was like her son had changed completely. Took her a while to realise that he was still the same person as he'd been before the diagnosis (he was diagnosed at about 13 years old).

uscitizen1966 wrote:I don't know whether to just stop talking to them entirely, or to just start lying constantly. Never talking about my emotions. In other words, if I am triggered, just lie and say, "I just hurt physically."

All I know is that I used to have some trust for my mother and my son, and now it is gone.

It's heartbreakingly awful to come to that realisation ):

I've recently started saying "been worse" if I'm having a bad day, when people ask how I am. That way I'm not lying about anything, and the person doesn't have to ask anything further if they don't want to. Perhaps that would be useful to you?

If you want to eventually be able to rebuild the relationships with your Mum and son, then it might be best to cut down a lot on how much you are in contact with them for now, but not completely.

Do you have people you can rely on? I understand that it's necessary to have that, particularly when there are physical problems as well as mental illness going on.

Yes, very. Thanks for your compassionate reply.

I do understand it's hard for them. I actually do. And I try very hard to use Wise Mind, stay rational, not over react. But when I can't get a hold of anyone and hurting that bad, well I just went off the deep end.

Yes, it is awful to come to that realization. I have explained 150 times at least, very nicely, to my boyfriend when I am triggered. He always asks, "what's wrong, what's wrong, are you okay?" I mean he must ask me that 40 times a day. It gets annoying. But then half the time he is supportive and the other half of the time he does not like the answer he gets and gets mad and says, "You're always upset, blah, blah." Even when I am calmly explaining, when I'm not mad at all, just explaining how I feel, I get that response. When I tell him that doesn't help he just walks away.

I think I cannot comprehend, if someone doesn't like the answer they're going to get:

Are you okay?
Not really...I hurt really bad right now.

Then why do they bother to ask? I mean it's not like he can't see that I am in physical pain. How hard is that to see? LOL

Geeeeeeeeeeeez.

So, taking your advice. It's an awful thing, to have to say that, "been worse" or some variation, but I guess necessary. It's like people cannot handle your true feelings whether they are physical pain feelings or emotional feelings, even when they are presented intelligently, logically, without blame, criticism, etc. Even when you aren't even asking them to do anything but just understand.

I wish all BPD'ers could have their own planet. LOL Though, maybe that would not be good. Who knows. It just seems like pwBPD understand stuff that others don't. Even when we split, we get past it eventually. We actually, IMO, understand stuff BETTER than a lot of other people. We can see many sides to an issue. Maybe hard to see them all at once (B&W) but other people only see one or the other and never see the other side. We usually do, though it might take awhile to get there.

US-

I guess my question is this: Do you abandon THEM, or have they already abandoned YOU? This could just be my own BPD talking.

I've taken to finding my solace on this forum. As you've probably noticed, I comment on almost all threads, because it gives me an outlet, and I'm not driving everyone else around me nuts, or at the VERY least, annoying them with my neediness and constant pangs for attention.

I don't think you're an unlikable person, and it sounds like your family is overwhelmed right now. You could be correct, maybe they're avoiding you right now. It's important to remember that your son has his own life too - when is the last time you spoke to him about his demons instead of your's? Maybe he needs a shoulder as much as you do, but feels there isn't room for his own? Or, he may be worn out, which is what I do to my own family and friends. I'm guilty of all. Please do not take it as if I am attacking you. Just merely trying to give some possible perspective.

I've learned that in order for my romantic relationship to work, and in order not to wear out the rest of my family with my constant antics, it's a lot more healthy for me to be ON HERE asking for the support I need instead of expecting anyone else to drop everything. It's less disappointment for me too, which I'm unable to handle from people I care about anyways.

I'm here for ya!! And I'm a royal pain in the a$$. My mother was a social worker for 18 years, and when I told her my diagnosis as BPD, she said that "those people" (ahem, me, LOL) are the biggest pains in the a$$es to treat. Then, the next thing out of her mouth was to question whether or not it's hereditary.

I take her with a grain of salt. I've had to learn to do that, or I lose my mind more frequently.

AMP

MissAli wrote:
I guess my question is this: Do you abandon THEM, or have they already abandoned YOU? This could just be my own BPD talking.

Well, I would call it me freaking, just losing it, for both legitimate reasons and not so legitimate reasons. My son is truly troubled. He is very unresponsive. I know why. But he is 24 and I can't really do anything to help, but listen, and he avoids me a lot. I think I figured out why today. He knows I see the truth of his troubles, and if he faces me he has to face his troubles and that is just too painful. But it still makes me angry that when I truly need him he can't be there. I guess there's only one answer: Radical Acceptance. As far as my Mom goes, she figured out her answering machine troubles, and says she is getting a new one. She felt bad. She wondered why I hadn't called all day and kept checking her phone. She says she doesn't like to call me because she never knows when I'll be in intense pain and doesn't want to bother me. So, it's been a week full of a lot of triggers and the bottom line, I felt totally abandoned when no one could be there for me when I hurt so much physically.

MissAli wrote:I've taken to finding my solace on this forum. As you've probably noticed, I comment on almost all threads, because it gives me an outlet, and I'm not driving everyone else around me nuts, or at the VERY least, annoying them with my neediness and constant pangs for attention.

That's why I'm here too and why I posted. I know someone here will usually understand and I will feel better.

MissAli wrote:I don't think you're an unlikable person, and it sounds like your family is overwhelmed right now. You could be correct, maybe they're avoiding you right now. It's important to remember that your son has his own life too - when is the last time you spoke to him about his demons instead of your's?

Every single week I see him and make special time for him. We usually have a good time. He misses me terribly. I should correct what I said earlier. I see him weekly. He is very responsive then. He is unresponsive the rest of the time. His gf also has BPD and my guess NPD also. She WILL NOT go to counseling. She is extremely demanding and I know he is miserable. I know he feels trapped. I know he avoids me because she gets mad when he talks to me on the phone. She gets mad when he comes over here. It's really put a huge burden on our relationship. I can't even speak to her anymore she triggers me so much. She is abusing him, I can see that, and I can't HELP him. All I can do is listen. And I do. But he bottles it up because it's easier than facing reality. I do try to talk to him, but he avoids it and would rather joke than talk about serious stuff because it's too painful. I guess I can only keep doing what I'm doing. So yes, I'm correct, he is avoiding, but I know why. I had a moment of pure rage and panic because I felt like I needed someone very badly and no one was there. (not here, but family).

MissAli wrote: Maybe he needs a shoulder as much as you do, but feels there isn't room for his own? Or, he may be worn out, which is what I do to my own family and friends. I'm guilty of all. Please do not take it as if I am attacking you. Just merely trying to give some possible perspective.

I don't feel attacked at all. No, I appreciate it. I try to be mindful of all these things, too. I think my problem is my body is failing me so fast it's ridiculous. I am literally afraid I will be in a wheelchair if SSI doesn't hurry it up. I am terrified and couldn't handle the situation at the time - absolute, mind-boggling, terrible pain, that words cannot describe. I get mad at my family for their inability to help at times. What I truly need is part-time in-home health care. LOL. I have an appt with a case manager on Friday. I am hoping she can do something to speed up SSI's pathetically slow process, or at least in the meantime, find me some relief in some way. I can't even go to the grocery store by myself.

MissAli wrote:I've learned that in order for my romantic relationship to work, and in order not to wear out the rest of my family with my constant antics, it's a lot more healthy for me to be ON HERE asking for the support I need instead of expecting anyone else to drop everything. It's less disappointment for me too, which I'm unable to handle from people I care about anyways.

Yes. I have figured that out, too. I try not to post too much or I totally forget to do anything else at all and plus it can make my pain worse from sitting so long. Ugh. LOL. That's what this forum is for and I appreciate it so much!

MissAli wrote:I'm here for ya!! And I'm a royal pain in the a$$. My mother was a social worker for 18 years, and when I told her my diagnosis as BPD, she said that "those people" (ahem, me, LOL) are the biggest pains in the a$$es to treat. Then, the next thing out of her mouth was to question whether or not it's hereditary.

Thank you. I try to be here too for people, though I am a newbie so may not be the best yet at returning as much as taking, but I will get there. I just started DBT and it helps a lot. I read that it's not uncommon to take a few steps forward with it and then fall back a bit. It's part of the process. And, funny, my Mom said the same and told me it had to have come from my Dad's side.

MissAli wrote:I take her with a grain of salt. I've had to learn to do that, or I lose my mind more frequently.

LMAO!

Hi US! I'm glad you wrote - I went to bed last night wondering if I had been too harsh and triggered you in some way... thank Gawd I didn't :0).

I'm sorry to hear about your son, and you ARE completely right - all you can do is listen. He's in a relationship that he is probably not getting much out of except the runaround and a bunch of grief, but you sound like an excellent mom to let him vent. And it is easier to joke around about the serious stuff, because then you don't have to face making drastic decisions about it. It may just be his defense mechanism, but at least you are there to give him the support he needs.

I'm glad you're meeting with a case worker to see about the SSI. Can I ask what physical ailments that you have, or is that too personal? Please do not mind me, I have boundary issues, so I could be being nosy. I'm sorry.

I'm happy to hear about your mom!!! So she isn't ignoring you!!! That's EXCELLENT news!!! At least you can count on her to be there when you need her to be. I wish I could count on my family the same way, but I wear them out. I wear everyone out.

Toodles!! Hope today is a better day for you today!!!

AMP

MissAli,

I do that too sometimes, worry I've triggered someone. Then of course I wind up triggering myself. LOL. I've only been triggered a couple of times on this board, and I know it was just me being my overly-sensitive Borderline self. I got over it quickly and I can always come back and apologize if I've "vented" too much. Hope this doesn't sound cheesy or bossy, but please try not to worry about triggering me. I find that other Borderlines almost never trigger me. I love my BPD friends. They are amazing to me. They are "my people."

Yes, and about my son, I recognized that he has created a lovely little co-dependent triangle for himself. He has a friend that is struggling with a mental illness (Schizophrenia) and all of his siblings have it. My son, being used to pwMI, has no troubles with it and has actually realized he naturally gravitates toward and understands people with emotional troubles. So, this friend kind of needs him a lot, and my son really loves him to pieces so is there for him a lot. BUT, his friend and my son's gf do NOT get along at all. Fight constantly. This of course puts my son in the middle, however, he also kind of uses his friend as "escapism" from his hard to deal with gf. It's complex, but I'm sure you get the gist of it.

Yeah, I do realize it's his defense mechanism, and since I am so into working toward excellent mental health, it's hard on me when he wants to avoid. Cause, well, I know that in the long run, you can't run away, you have to deal eventually. The Mom in me says, "NOooo, you need counseling." But the Mom in me also understands, he is just not ready to deal. Thanks for the nice words, too. I appreciate your support in that and the understanding that I am trying to be the best Mom I can given the circumstances. It isn't easy!

No, you're not being nosy. At least I don't think so. Funny you should mention boundary issues. LOL. Because I have them too, and didn't realize that was the cause of a lot of stress with friends and even people I would just meet. I guess I'd ask too many questions and turn people off. But the flip side of that is that in a way I don't get WHY so many people can't handle just talking - about anything. To me there are no taboo topics. I can talk about anything. I have a hard time understanding why other people can't do that. LOL. Like sex, for example. I have no hang-ups talking about it. It freezes others instantly. I am always left bewildered. It seems to me that if more people could just talk, instead of freezing at certain topics, the world would be a better place. Ah, me, the idealist Borderline. Plus, I was raised by academics who encouraged me to talk about anything. I could talk to my Mother and my step-dad about any issue at all. Could say anything I wanted. So coming from that background, it has always puzzled me that in the real world a lot of people aren't like that. Sigh.

Anyway, no don't mind you asking. Nice that someone is curious. I have talked about my physical DX a lot on this site. The physical stuff triggers the BPD and vice versa. Hard to separate mind and body.

Now, just a disclaimer here: I suffer from OWS (Over-Writing Syndrome) so I apologize if it gets lengthy. I could write for pages, and sometimes that is way too much for people.

Well, there is little stuff: high blood pressure and cholesterol, which is exacerbated by stress of course. Have Pernicious Anemia (Vitamin B-12 deficiency). Have to do shots in my leg twice a month. I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) too. Those are the minor things.

The big things are Scoliosis and Hidradenitis Suppurativa. Say what? LOL

I am sure you've heard of Scoliosis. Mine was so bad that after a year of bracing, they decided on surgery. My whole spine is fused as one bone. I have a metal rod in my back to support the fused spine. As a result of the fusion (done at age ten) I now have Osteoarthritis. This is an expected result of the fusion - happens once you get older - say 40's. Well I am there now. The arthritis is in my neck, spine, shoulders and hips. Very painful. My neck is curved in the opposite direction it should be as a result of another expected consequence of the surgery. Flatback Syndrome. This is when your hips, neck and spine do not line up like they're supposed to. Incredibly painful. Any and every position hurts. Walking, bending, lifting, sleeping, sitting, standing...you get the idea. I also have chronic Hip Bursitis. So walking is a hard thing. Some days I can only manage to hobble about the house with my cane. Ugh.

The Hidradenitis Suppurativa is a chronic, incurable sweat gland disorder.

So, sweating is bad for me. I am supposed to avoid all things that make me sweat. Ummm... LOL
My skin needs constant air flow. I can't wear pants, skirts, shorts, really anything on my bottom half, for very long, or the sores set in. My sweat glands don't work right and lucky me, because they don't work right I have three types of rare bacteria (non-contagious) that live on my skin permanently because they are literally attracted to the faulty sweat glands. So, if I get too sweaty, or don't get enough air flow, I get sores that last for days (under my breast, in my armpits and in my groin area). Lovely, eh? Sometimes they are small and don't hurt too much, but I have had them the size of golf balls and have had to be hospitalized for weeks at a time on IV antibiotics. The condition can be life-threatening if it gets into your bloodstream.

I am from NY and one of the reasons I moved to the Southwest was for the dry air. It does help my skin. But, silly me, I had no idea they use these things here called Swamp Coolers and not Air Conditioners. Swamp Coolers use water to cool. So, when you turn them on, they pump huge amounts of moisture into your house. Well, it doesn't take a whole lot to figure out that this does not help my skin at all. Exactly the opposite. Almost no one has A/C's in this area. So, once summer hits, it's sore season for me.

So, I spend all day taking pills. LOL. Pills for my skin. Pills for pain. Pills for my HBP, etc. All I do is chase pain and try to figure out how to prevent it. That's my whole day. And, what works for one ailment, makes another worse. Example: reading. It hurts to look down at a book because of my neck, so I try to sit in this weird position with pillows to try to more or less prop the book up so it's more at eye-level. Well, that makes the Hidradenitis worse because now I've just cut off air flow. It's a pain in the a$$ literally. LOL

Of course all this makes the BPD worse. I get "ragey" because I am in pain a lot. Get mad that SSI takes so long. Get upset that I can't have a normal life, never mind the BPD! I can't go for walks, go take pictures like I used to...all kinds of things. Gee, no wonder I'm so angry.

And then any trigger due to the BPD makes the physical pain worse.

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point and how frustrating it is. That's the Reader's Digest version.

No, she isn't ignoring me. I think I do split with her sometimes, and also, I'm still trying to figure out who played what role in the development of the BPD. Of course, like many others, I was abused. In some ways she was abusive, but not in an obvious way. I know she loves me, but some of her actions didn't help when I was a kid. So I think I swing back and forth between believing she abused me far more than I realized, and then thinking I'm nuts for thinking that.

But I can count on her too much sometimes. She will let me vent for hours, which is not good for me, because then I don't learn to regulate my own emotions.

I know what you mean. I wear people out, too. For me it's the constant need to clarify and explain things to people. I always want people to understand, PRECISELY, what I'm saying. I can spend hours alone and not be bothered by it, but if someone doesn't get something that I'm trying to explain, I can also spend hours wearing people out by coming up with analogies and metaphors that drive people bonkers.

But, but, but - it's like THIS, don't you SEE? LOL

You know what? Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back - you're dealing with a lot of ailments that others wouldn't even allow themselves to live. So if being BPD is all you are, YOU GO GIRL!!!

I bet you're in a TON of pain. And I hope SSI hurries the hell up. There is no one more deserving. If they can't see that you need the extra help, then I'm guessing we all have to have a boob growing out of our forehead in order to receive the benefits. Those a$$holes.

I'm not triggered by much on here either, and my boundary issues should be described as "boundless" because I too feel that no subject is off-topic. Others do not feel that way, and I try to be respectful, because like you, these are my "people" and I feel wanted here. Or, as any BPD might think, that's my "perception" LOL.

I try to use humor to deflect my feelings sometimes, because I have such a hard time regulating my emotions. I'm learning to control the "output" though, so that's a huge leap forward.

Although, I did take a small step back this morning when an old friend who has basically NOTHING to do with me anymore sent me a sh*tty text, and I let her have it. Sometimes that release is the best feeling in the world.

If she were a closer friend like she used to be, I probably would have refrained, but I have a lot of pent-up aggression towards her, so I was kind of happy to have a reason.

Man, we are a messed up bunch, but its amazing that we can all be together on here. I couldn't deal without this forum!!!

Kudos to you!!! I enjoy your posts!!!

AMP

MissAli,


Thank you!

You wanna know something. My boyfriend has a friend whose girlfriend has cancer. SHE was denied SSI. Yeah, WTF, right?

Sorry took me so long to respond. No, didn't trigger, just thinking a LOT, doing my DBT homework, trying to keep myself UP, deal with the pain and make some kind of loose plan for the future.

I am stunned. I think a lot of us BPD'ers feel that way. We can all relate, we rarely split with one another, and maybe a lot of us have those boundary issues due to us being the type that are "boundless" as you so very smartly put it.

I use humor a lot, too. Sometimes I know it offends others. It is hard for me to understand why sometimes. Isn't poking fun at things really a means to healing? Or at least a means of dealing? LOL

Learning to control the output I think is the hardest part. I can sometimes still have intense feelings in my head, but at least they don't usually come out of my mouth anymore.

I do take those small steps back too sometimes. Well, it's just part of the process. No one moves forward ONLY. LOL

I know, I feel the same way. I am grateful for this forum and grateful for all my Borderline friends on here. I couldn't live with out it either.

Thank you! Knowing you enjoy my posts put a smile on my face.

Oh, I most DEFINITELY enjoy your posts!!!

And yes, I think it is a lot easier for all of us on here to validate each other, and not condemn anothers' feelings. We can sympathize, and we can usually find some piece of ourselves that has already reacted in a certain way, or at least wanted to. This is the most open forum I've ever been on, and it's certainly the most honest I've ever been in my life about my faults and shortcomings.

I find it hard to relate to non's sometimes because I feel like they never will know what it is to go from the depths of despair to the elation of extreme happiness like I do, and all in an hour. I sometimes feel its hard to understand, even though of course I'm comforted by the elation. Nons don't understand that you cannot just turn it on and off. Thats the problem. Our brains have learned to wire themselves differently.

Well I have some totally un-related good news, hope this makes someone smile today: I lost my sister's keys (ALL OF THEM) on Saturday night, and her mother in law just found them in her car!! YAY!!! Now I don't have to put up with my sister's henchant b*tching anymore!!! WHOO HOO!!!

Just had to share. LIke I said. Totally un-related.

:0)

AMP