Effects of dating a borderline?

I've learned a little more about BPD over the years and have recognized it in a handful of people in my life. It seems that the boyfriend/girlfriend of someone with BPD is often impacted and sometimes doesn't even realize it. In 2 cases that I can think of, I have seen people starting to date BPDs go from cheerful people who are full of life to almost a brainwashed or zombie-like existence--usually over a period of 6 months or so. It's as if they have become hermits with their BPD significant others and don't really live a life outside of that anymore. Is it my imagination or has anyone else seen this happen?

Um.

I'm not sure if I am taking your post personally. It's rather likely that I am.

Regardless, I will press on.

And say that I found this to be kind of... insulting. And stigmatizing. I mean, I know we get a LOT of support from nons on this board. But then sometimes... threads like this.

If you have your personal issues with BPD, that is fine. But please don't generalize your pain to an entire subgroup of people.

This thread makes me a sad panda.

biitchelectric wrote:Um.

I'm not sure if I am taking your post personally. It's rather likely that I am.

Regardless, I will press on.

And say that I found this to be kind of... insulting. And stigmatizing. I mean, I know we get a LOT of support from nons on this board. But then sometimes... threads like this.

If you have your personal issues with BPD, that is fine. But please don't generalize your pain to an entire subgroup of people.

This thread makes me a sad panda.

Please don't take my post personally. I have no animosity toward those with BPD. In fact, just the opposite. I am just trying to learn more about the disorder so that I can support the people in my life who are struggling with it. My experience with BPD is limited but this is something that I have noticed. I guess I'm asking if this is common or if I am, in fact, looking at things the wrong way.

Emotionally, I share BE's stance on it, but logically, I understand where you're coming from. You're just reporting what you're observing, and I'm sure that, in many cases, it does work out like that. I think a lot of that "zombie" look comes from the psychological toll that dating a BPD can take. Let's face it - we're probably not the easiest people in the world to date.

We try not to exact a mental toll on our SO's; sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. A lot of it depends on what signs we exhibit outwardly, and how extreme/frequent those exhibitions are. They can look like nothing at all, or the end of the world as we know it. It varies from person to person and from moment to moment. We try not to appear so outwardly random, but it's not always easy.

biitchelectric wrote:This thread makes me a sad panda.

Would a hug make you feel better?

biitchelectric your reply is very typical of a borderline person, acting like any sort of perceived or real criticism is like a horrible insult, it's not like that at all. I am here to tell you that people with BPD, myself included, are capable of doing extreme damage to other people, whether you like it or not. BPD causes just as much pain and suffering for the people who know the sufferer as the sufferer himself or herself. That's just the reality of the illness, it's not meant to be an insult, he is simply relating how he feels and looking for advice, and not in a malicious way at all.

Regardless whether or not this observation is true, it was phrased in such a way that didn't ask for any help in the matter and could come across as insulting to someone who is highly emotional. Let me explain.

Imagine this is a forum for diabetics, and someone without diabetes posts this:

"I've learned a little more about diabetes over the years and have recognized it in a handful of people in my life. It seems that the boyfriend/girlfriend of someone with diabetes is heavily impacted and sometimes doesn't even realize it. In 2 cases that I can think of, I have seen people starting to date diabetics go from cheerful people who are full of life to almost a brainwashed or zombie-like existence--usually over a period of 6 months or so. It's as if they have become hermits with their diabetic dates and don't really live a life outside of that anymore. Sad if you ask me. Is it my imagination or has anyone else seen this?"

If it had ended with a question about how to insulate oneself against the emotions involved, it might be less controversial.

Diabetics aren't known to be highly emotional. Borderlines are. So yes, this post is a powder keg. Even if the observation is true.

ajrocker8 wrote:biitchelectric your reply is very typical of a borderline person, acting like any sort of perceived or real criticism is like a horrible insult, it's not like that at all. I am here to tell you that people with BPD, myself included, are capable of doing extreme damage to other people, whether you like it or not. BPD causes just as much pain and suffering for the people who know the sufferer as the sufferer himself or herself. That's just the reality of the illness, it's not meant to be an insult, he is simply relating how he feels and looking for advice, and not in a malicious way at all.

AJ is right, we are affected too and are looking for answers like everyone else. I clarified the intent of my post in a previous response but I don't know how else to ask the question without that kind of description because it's what I have observed. I'm new to this board but will say definitively right now that nothing that I post is ever an attack or judgment on those with BPD. With that out of the way, hopefully we can continue honest discussion.

My dating a BPD had a profound effect one me and her. What saved me i was aware of her condition so i could measure my responses. After 2 years of pure hell we live now 5 years in an island of tranquility, 7 years in total. As things are now we'll be together till death do us part.

There is only one way to successfully live with a BPD and that is to not take things personally. To not react to the anger and hatred as if it's really about you, but react as for what it is. The inner pain directed outwards.

@ AJ: As ever, you misconstrue my words. No, I did not take things like a "typical borderline" and treated what the OP said as a "horrible insult".

I talked about feeling personally and communally stigmatized.

I said it seemed insulting, and talked about how that lead to stigma. How is that a "typical borderline"?

Now who is being stigmatizing? You generalized me, just as I asked the OP not to do.

But anyway, moving on.

I stand by my post, and say that the need for tact still stands. And I agree with the OP. Let's move on to honest discussion, quit being "typical borderlines" and talk some logic.

@ OP: The only way I have found to move past BPD is through painful, honest communication. If the non partner is willing to invest time, a whole lot of spine-cracking patience, and love (and communicates this to the borderline) -- it can work. But the borderline himself/herself needs to be perhaps twice as invested, as it were. She/he has to be painfully honest and communicative about himself/herself as well. Be willing to admit the flaws. Be willing to admit to the beauty. And above all -- admit to love.

If the non can meet the borderline on the grounds of this is real to my partner, he/she is legitimately in pain, and I am going to try and be with him/her through this, no matter how ugly it gets, and the borderline can meet the non on the grounds I am terrified, frightened, I need to communicate this to my partner through intellectual discussion and not emotional outlashing and be confident that my partner won't leave -- I think a non and BPD relationship will work.

But both have to change, dramatically, to get to an appreciable level of serenity.

It's not for the weak of spirit, on either side. Let it be said -- I have a lot of respect for nons.

I'm with you belectric, his posts have been judgmental even when he tries not to be judgmental.

For example, this little gem of a make-up post,

ranger wrote:Please don't take my post personally. I have no animosity toward those with BPD. In fact, just the opposite. I am just trying to learn more about the disorder so that I can support the people in my life who are struggling with it. My experience with BPD is limited but this is something that I have noticed. I guess I'm asking if this is common or if I am, in fact, looking at things the wrong way.

Right off the bat, it's either I'm right or you're right. If a person really wanted to share in mutual discussion, the right and wrong attitude would have been left at the door. It's subconsciously confrontational, whether the person knows it or not.


And for the record, perfectly happy, balanced people (according to the gold norm standard) don't end up in long relationships with people with BPD, usually not short term and even less likely long term. Typically they have a surplus to give, so much that they never take. Call them co-dependent. Normal relationships are give/take, give/take. People who don't take, don't give any satisfaction when a person wants to give. In that way, these people are also a bit of loners, but for a different reason. They like to take care of people/things and the average person doesn't want to be taken care of, so norms gravitate away form the co-dependent too. It's just funny how the accepting norms are so unaccepting, and they don't have even the fondest clue what's going on in their little subconscious.

Co-dependents are the yin to the BPD yang. A healthy co-dependent and a healthy (borderline/dependent) are a pretty good pair.

I doubt your analogy that these perfectly happy, social people all of a sudden went into their shell after meeting their BPD partner. I would guess the person was a bit of a loner already and the fact that they've stayed with the BPD partner shows they're getting something from it, even if that something is the constant feeling that they're giving (something they very well might love, you just don't know it.) If they didn't like it, at least on some level, they'd be gone.

-- Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:17 pm --

And another funny thing about your typical co-dependent long term partner of a person with BPD. . . . Even when they end it, they don't seem too happy. They spend a lot of time and energy biitching about how bad the BPD person was to them. Even in their exit, they have the need to feel like a martyr .They're not taking any $#%^, any more and all they care to invest their energy in, is feeling like they are victims, even still.