BPD, Hopelessness and Marijuana

Hi all, I'm new to these forums.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and have since led a life of questions, anxiety, bouts of depression, dramatic mood swings, OCD on and off, tormenting thoughts and other things I'll get to. Life has become a chore to live. Things have been worsening for more than a year. I've been telling myself this every month. I've made the effort to eat better, I've made the effort to get outdoors more, and I've tried working a lot.

Recently I experienced anxiety on another level, and combined hopelessness at home led me to quit another job. I'm getting on EI for a brief time, a couple months at most, and seeing a psychiatrist in conjunction with a therapist. I only have an appointment for the first currently. This is my first real assessment ever, other than by my family Doc.

BPD speaks to me on other levels. I will be presenting this to the specialist. The first thing is the instability in moods. Second is black and white thinking, going to extremes, like disliking my Father every few months, and then siding with him, major shifts in relationships like that my entire life. Until I read this though, I never knew what to really call it. I sort of just reacted how I feel I naturally do.

Everything is good or bad in my head, and I anticipate (crawl into the heads of others) and speculate negative things far before they happen to me. Uncertainty and worry has reigned destruction on my life. I can't shake this way of thinking. It's just natural, I cannot push myself out of this like people assume. I don't want to live right now, hopelessness accompanies most days, but as much as I feel that way, I feel as though self-harm would make things worse. As much as I hate this, I want to live and I want to get better, because it's all I know.

All relationships in the past have ended because of my impulsive behavior, being cooped indoors, anxiety and disorganized way of thinking. I feel I get violated by people in so many ways, and I fear as though I seem manipulative or deceitful when it's not my intention whatsoever.

I enjoy being alone because I feel I have to, yet I crave contact. It's a weird thing. I'm not unattractive, I felt very attractive once before. I've since lost weight and things have spiraled and I've lost most confidence.

I've been using marijuana for a year. It makes me feel happy, slows my ever racing mind and allows me to focus on the task at hand. It's why I'm usually only gaming, writing or going on walks in the woods. I can't do things like this without that to lean on. It's a crutch very much, but it has worked far better than antidepressants and benzos.

I'm drowning in all of this though, and I need to post somewhere. I've lost my sense of self, and I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. That feeling that was once present (one of goals and ambitions and feeling I am ME) it's just gone...

Marijuana was my choice for self-medicating for several decades. It does have several drawbacks, though. Aside from the obvious legal aspects, it tends to promote isolating yourself from social contact. Also, I feel that long term use leads to habituation and relief is replaced by a slight dysphoria. What I originally described as "feeling mellow," I later came to see as a mild depression.

For me, regular exercise has been a much better option. I approach it from the viewpoint that I am using it as a maintenance drug. It helps to stabilize my mood but at a slightly higher level instead of a lower one like marijuana did. It has the added benefits of regularly placing you in a social setting, and long term continuation produces a significant change in the way people react to you.

glosolli HarveyDent is right about what marijuana will do to you. It indeed can easily lead to depression and anxiety if you use it for too long, it will no longer be of any use as a form of self medicating. I used to smoke it a lot but only in social settings, but I realized that everyone I know who smokes it habitually is basically is a failure at life and I just don't want to be like them. I had my own addiction with alcohol on and off for the past three years or so, and I used to drink to self medicate but in reality it just makes all your mental problems worse.

glosolli wrote: I fear as though I seem manipulative or deceitful when it's not my intention whatsoever.

Not your conscience intention, anyway. But we are not conscientiously aware of most of our intentions. In fact, I would go so far as to say that many of us who have a poor self-image deliberately sabotage our relationships, to insure that we get the treatment we believe we deserve.

HarveyDent wrote:

glosolli wrote: I fear as though I seem manipulative or deceitful when it's not my intention whatsoever.

Not your conscience intention, anyway. But we are not conscientiously aware of most of our intentions. In fact, I would go so far as to say that many of us who have a poor self-image deliberately sabotage our relationships, to insure that we get the treatment we believe we deserve.

I must agree with the last part. Even though my emotions and what I'm conscience of is an intricate process, I know deep down that I wallow in this pain in a way that's almost strange to admit. I knew I could save my past relationships, or at least I felt aware that the track I was on would lead to them ending. I accepted it though, because I knew that I couldn't change.

With what I originally said though, it's just something I've heard my entire life. Mostly as a child, but even now in relationships and amongst people. I'm saw as up to something when I'm probably the least likely person to be up to something. I'm real quiet and I only focus on what I want and when it's over, what I'm doing next. I have a very routine way of thinking and living now, and one steak in my plans can disrupt my entire way of thinking and my mood with it.

I'm sort of trailing off on that now, but I will agree that marijuana is most definitely a depressant. I've attained happiness while smoking it though, and it seems here (in a hugely alcohol rich culture where everybody smokes weed and you only get jailtime for over 14 grams) that everybody is able to incorporate these things into their lives, though my personality most definitely abuses marijuana and has accepted it as a crutch. While I enjoy it, and I don't particularly want to stop, I am taking a 2 week break now just to see what happens. That and financially I'm saying no to it this time around.

It's very hard to shake the feeling of wanting to go out and smoke so I can feel good, and actually smile and do stuff. I want to get in shape like I was before, but I have to first fix my cognition and learn ways to deal with my anxiety (which I had thought I had control over just 2 years ago).

Anxiety, anxiety, it's all you hear, but for me it presents itself as a feeling of having to use the washroom real badly, that and stomach pain and the general feelings of fear. Combined it can make any event or attempt too difficult for bother in my eyes. What has happened to me? I mean, I can walk around town or visit a friend, hell, a month ago I was serving customers at the most busy grocery store in the city, no doubt, and I was able to do it, and just deal with the anxiety. Now the levels are so high that I feel like I have no control. I used to be able to just say ###$ it, I'm going, but the physical feelings are stronger.

I feel like therapy and a low dose of medication could work.

Quit smoking weed.

I don't want to repeat what is said............but it's really a stupid thing to do.

It's only going to make all your mental problems worse.

I really can't stress enough, that weed is like massively horrible for anyone with BPD or OCD or any anxiety issues. (i have both BPD and OCD)

((oh and i used to smoke 24/7))



Really, just quit. I mean i miss it..........but i don't miss what it does to you.

Weed isn't booze......it alters your brain. It will eat your memory and weaken your mind.

Do yourself a favour........don't smoke weed again after your 2 weeks.

I know numerous people, who've quit for years......or months........and have gone back and can't stop.

And every year, they just become crazier and crazier. More socially isolated in many respects and further from anything you'd call a successful life.

Not to mention, of course weed takes your ambition away.

It numbs you.......and your ambition then becomes, to smoke weed. LOL


I mean, weed is awesome.......it'd be effing great, if it didn't wear off and at the same time destroy yer brain.


(oh and the longer you use it, the harder it becomes to quit.........the pathways in your brain will hardened and you'll just need it more and more)

A lot of your facts are real askew, to say the least.

I know the effects of marijuana fairly well. I mean, for a while there I was smoking for a year straight, I'm talking like 6-10 times a day, to the point where it became the norm for me and I could actually approach people whom I had previously been too paranoid to approach high (because they'd find out that I was high of course).

You all have to understand that I am surrounded by marijuana one way or another, almost every day of my life. Every person I know smokes it, to the point where they almost keep it to themselves now. My Father smokes it, my step Mom, almost every person I can think of from high school. (I live on an island of 150,000), so life is different here. It's not like other places for sure. Everyone is like a family.

I feel as though I do not want to stop though. For the longest while it wasn't to treat anything and I could only smoke it at nights. I have had happy periods in my life, though they have lasted for no longer than a couple of months. (Also, I've only smoked marijuana for the past 2.5 years). When I had a girlfriend of 2 years, was working regularly, knew what I wanted with school and smoked occasionally, I was very happy. In fact, before finding marijuana I was bummed out. I realize I need to take a break from it, perhaps cut back, but past that I don't want to. I want to smoke it again when I feel better, because I have felt better and have smoked before.

I know a lot of people think it's real bad, and it is a depressant, but it's really not that bad. I am fully aware of side-effects and if I feel depressive during a high, I'll turn it off, much easier than I normally could but that's me. Everyone has some crockpot analogy for what weed does, and I've read enough medical studies and still do daily to know the difference between what I'm doing, the amount I smoke, and how it's not much different than any other medication with regulation.

See, if my family life was better now and if I was capable of working. Mind you I worked full-time and barely ever smoked weed just recently and it was the most depressed and hopeless I have ever felt (thus leading to the quitting of my job and putting me in this position where I'm smoking again quite a bit).

People certainly don't become more crazy. I have chats with people who smoke weed and can almost only connect with these people. I have a lot of trouble communicating with people who do not. I know how it makes people appear and I know that there are plenty of people out there who are dead beats or would prefer to live that lifestyle of smoking constantly, just because! But that's not everyone. Every type of person I can imagine could or would smoke marijuana.

In summary, I've smoked lots before, and I was able to lead a much better lifestyle, I worked tons and I got lots done amidst a lifestyle of smoking in the evenings and at night. There's too many stereotypes and personal experiences that block off the fact that weed effects people different in conjunction with how others have different personalities and experience things differently. In my opinion at least.

Yeh...
The full on backflips I have done throughout my life. Loving and hating....blacking and whiting everything and all the time.

Either way I was convinced..."this thing is for me cos it's SO for me...it's my thing",...then..."this thing just aint for me at all cos it's just SO way off" !!

It's easy to lose my identity when I can't make up my damn mind.

I like this......suddenly I hate it
I want that....now get it outa my sight!
I need this.....suddenly I dont
I like this person...suddenly I can't stand them
I believe this stuff......believe what!! ??
etc etc

Sometimes the two of me collide and I get real confused.

Many times I have gone the way of the hermit so I wouldn't be exposed to having such extreme and opposing opinions on things. I used marijuana many times in life to soothe my days and zone out. It was good while it worked but I overdid things as usual and the rest is history

I think I overlook the extremes and black and white thinking. I do it so much and would get offended if anyone questioned that. It would attack to my core.

I feel the same way now with being a hermit. I love my friends, but lately my way of thinking is getting under their skin. I find I end up in an argument and when I realize how I'm acting I feel too stubborn to say anything so I play stupid.

I'm in the throws of that right now.


When i first posted, i cared about you and wanted to help you.



Now, i don't care. My "personality" is askew.


So really, go ahead. Weed is good for you. I'm wrong. You're right. I'll hook you up with an 1/8th of Kush if you like? Need some rub? Oil?

People certainly don't become more crazy

No you're right. I forgot, it's a plant. It's good for you.

In summary, I've smoked lots before, and I was able to lead a much better lifestyle, I worked tons and I got lots done amidst a lifestyle of smoking in the evenings and at night. There's too many stereotypes and personal experiences that block off the fact that weed effects people different in conjunction with how others have different personalities and experience things differently. In my opinion at least.

Yes...this is all true.

It doesn't mean weed isn't bad for you.

It doesn't mean, long term......it will not diminish you mentally.


Deciding to become a drug addict is a very good idea.
I'm glad you have functional addicts around you as role models.

It's especially a good idea, when you've already mentioned you have other mental health issues.

How old are you again? It's especially a good idea while your brain is still developing.



Really i don't care.

I generally come up with bombastic examples to get my point across.


I'm honestly not even sure why i'm replying.