New here...first post

Hello all. I'm new to the boards. I'm not new, however, to bpd. I was diagnosed four years ago, at 28 and I have exhibited ALL of the 'criteria.' I've overcome the cutting and the suicide attempts- those were prominent in my early twenties when I was in a really bad situation, unsure of how to cope or live...

I will be returning to a therapist this week, and I thought maybe joining this board would be a good idea for additional support. I've been with my husband for ten years, and we've been married for 5 1/2 of those years. He is my strongest supporter, and will openly admit, has codependency issues. We are in some ways, perfectly matched, but my fear of abandonment makes things, um, difficult sometimes. I have put my husband through hell, including cheating on him less than two years into our marriage. I still beat myself up for that one. Actually, I beat myself up for MOST things. My thinking tends to be very obsessive, and I worry constantly. I will admit that I am a scared little girl inside of a woman's body, and that fear rules my life. I hate it. Friendships seem like a joke to me, because keeping them is incredibly difficult. I seem to attract people that are damaged like me, and usually, they start out as instant bff's and a year later we don't speak. There are no arguments or anything. They just disappear. I assume it's because of me, but have never gotten an answer about that. ( I do have one true bff that I've known for 9 years and I am SO grateful for her.) I'm defensive. Very defensive. To the point that I'm basically apologizing for everything I am and ever was, or will be... I'm obsessive about my appearance and my body. Right now I'm working out about 5 days a week to maintain a body weight that is probably too low. I don't actually weigh myself often, I use a measuring tape instead, because I got obsessed with numbers on the scale. I'm trying to keep the measuring tape from becoming the same thing. I'm self absorbed- always in my head, either daydreaming or worrying... I wish I could just shut my brain OFF a lot. I'm a pot smoker, and I can self medicate with the best of them if I try. I have to battle wanting to feel different constantly, and I know it's because I feel so damn defective inside. I go through what I call phases, where I seem to be doing really well, so I stop with therapy and the things that help, usually just to return to a state of utter despair. I think it's part of the self sabotage that seems to come with all this madness...

I'm at a point where I am so aware of all the things I do that are '###$ up' and it gets a little overwhelming. Awareness is good. Overreacting about what I'm realizing is not. I have been through some DBT, although now I use the worksheets on my own when I'm smart enough to reach for them in the midst of a crisis. I can relate so well to what many of you describe. Your feelings are like mine, and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

It's nice to have you here. Sounds like you've already made some significant progress, too, which is encouraging to everybody. Congratulations on that and continuing in your treatment!

Hi miss_taken and welcome aboard

It sounds like you have done a great deal of work so far. No matter what you've had to deal with, it's awesome that you have the self awareness and the willingness to grow even more with therapy. I hope everything goes well with that too.

Good luck and – again – welcome

Thanks for both the welcome and the encouragement, both of you. Seriously. I hope to offer if nothing else, an understanding point of view... And it was a HUGE compliment to read that it sounded like I'd already done a lot of work. I have, but recognizing it isn't the easiest thing. I am prone to notice my shortcomings, and wondered if I was just whining in my very first post...

Welcome!! It's an awesome place for BPDers.

What an awesome and honest first post. People with BPD never surprise me with their courage when it counts especially.

I was wondering....am I entitled to welcome you ? I have only joined up here very recently. Actually a couple of months ago but then I went for a wander and now I have returned. I guess that I really do qualify as a 'welcomer' simply because my overall mood has improved already, even though I am always weary when this happens...I feel safe using this forum.

I am a month shy of 40 and relatively new to recovery. (mental health didn't get alot of useful attention going back a bit). I am a highly skilled antisocial and I benefit from sharing here, It's more natural than I imagined.

I am like a letter box after many years away from home..Full of junk mail and unopened letters. Picture a big mound of mail with a letter box somewhere in the middle and beneath it.

This forum has been a terrific place so far for me to sort through some of my mail finally. after being away for so long.

I totally relate to you. Esp. on the obsession with appearance and being in my head constantly daydreaming/worrying. I swear 90 percent of my waking life is maintaining my appearance and fantasizing/ruminating/anxiously worrying. Welcome! I'm starting DBT in a few weeks myself.

nonameatall wrote:What an awesome and honest first post. People with BPD never surprise me with their courage when it counts especially.

Thank you! I certainly don't think I'm courageous. Not by a long shot. Probably comes from being called a 'chicken' the first 17 years of my life.

And yes, you are welcome to welcome me! Nice to meet you. I totally get your mail analogy. Makes perfect sense.