I failed again.. :( **may trigger**

I've been trying to keep my cool real hard lately. I've had a difficult week. Last night, I had to deal with babysitting my mother so she wouldn't drink. For those of you who haven't read my previous posts.. I do that because if I don't I'll be up until early in the morning making sure she doesn't accidentally hurt herself (it's happened a few times). Yes, it's not my responsibility but when you're right there in the house...it kind of becomes that way. She also broke a promise. It's a let down but I guess I shouldn't expect much from her. I got over all of that. Then, I tried to call my fiance at work (his job doesn't care if he uses the phone.) and it was off. I am shaking from just writing this because it bothers me so much. His phone is NEVER off and he ALWAYS picks up. He would never purposely do that to me, I know this. I was scared to death.. it was almost a whole hour before I got ahold of him. It had somehow gotten turned off and he didn't notice it because he was busy. I flipped out so bad. I thought he died or he hated me and he was never going to talk to me again (all irrational). I TRIED so so hard to think rationally. I kept saying to myself "I know this is just a problem with the phone because he loves me and wouldn't hurt me. He isn't dead because he's sitting in an office and isn't in any danger." Yea but of course I can't listen to myself... I ended up hurting myself. I feel embarrassed, honestly. I punched and kicked myself and now I have bruises all over my legs and a very bad one on my foot. I also scratched up my arms. I feel like such a loser. When he did answer I went off on him even though he apologized and he got annoyed at me. I don't blame him.. I would have gotten annoyed if I were him. I sent him for texts begging him to turn his phone on (before it was back on). How stupid is that.. if it's off.. he's obviously not going to see them. I also left a screaming voicemail which I'm REALLY ashamed of. I feel stupid, so stupid.

Instead of just going to bed and sleeping, I made a list. I believe it was isoko that suggested this. I made a list of things that trigger my abandonment. There were 15 things on my list. I decided to work on just the first 3 because it was late. I made a column for irrational and rational thoughts on each subject. Under each 3 subjects of irrational thoughts I hate put almost the same things. It comes down to me assuming people hate me, want to hurt me or are never going to talk to me again. Then I compared the FACTS of what's actually happened. The things that have actually happened were all under my rational column. The irrational column had NO truth to it. So maybe I'm onto something here. I'm going to keep doing this. I'm going to try to do it every night about whatever bothered me during the day and hopefully after awhile it will all stick. I am really really trying because I want to get better.

On a side note, I am really scared today because I have to go the police station to give a statement. I freaking out. I hate talking to people and I'm always nervous so it will probably appear like I'm lying or like I'm up to something. I'd also like to say, the thing I'm giving a statement about is something very minor and it's not like anyone is going to get in serious trouble. I definitely won't but I still worry I will. I'm going to try to get my friend to go with my instead of my fiance because I don't want to put him through another one of my meltdowns since he dealt with that last night. Holy crap I'm scared!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if my issue is "emotional impatience". Its not so much that I have these awful powerful feelings of dread/abandonment/worry/anxiety, its that I feel I can give them the time to process and pass thru without FREAKING OUT on myself and other people.
So one thing I am trying to do is be more patient with my emotional process. Try to let it pass before I react to it by doing something stupid to myself or embarrassing myself with other people.
My big thing is first thing in the morning. I always wake up in a crap state. Either freaking out with anxiety or so severely depressed I cant stand it. I realized I do dumb crap at this time. I'll call people freaking out looking for attention, or relief from my unfounded fears of them hating me or never wanting to see me. I'll send tirades of emails to people, even ex boyfriends who want nothing to do with me. I am VERY impulsive in this state.
Thing is...by the time I've been up for a few hours, the feelings pass and I regret having done the things I did upon first waking. I realized that if I could just stay my hand off the phone and the email for a few hours it would spare me the embarrassment which basically ruins the rest of the day. So I am trying to be patient with my emotional states. Emotional states always pass! They may repeat but they are not constant. Try to let the feelings come, experience them, observe them. But refrain from acting on them for at least 2 hours. It may not stop the nasty feelings from coming, only your therapy work and medicines can do that. But it will at least reduce the collateral damage they may cause.

Lilycat (((hugs)))) and you didn't fail...you just had a blip

This was a huge thing for you because it was an hour which would have felt like a lifetime I'm sure. The good thing is that you tried the techniques, thinking about it in a different way....but unfortunately th[e distress was too great.

What you were doing, which was great, was emotion regulation skills - "he's in an office, he will be fine, he loves me" etc.
Unfortunately, you were in a crisis which is where distress tolerance skills are needed more......don't beat yourself up (physically or mentally) for not "realising" you needed DT rather than ER skills.....it's only afterwards when I work it out sometimes. SO the next few bits on the DBT thread will be a big help to you as it's all about picking DT skills that can help you get through the crisis period without resorting to SI. I find it helps to have a list of 10 distraction activities that I HAVE to work through before I resort to SI. Usually by the time I've reached number 8 or 9 I'm just ready to crawl into bed and sleep it off. I really enjoy tearing up pieces of paper, stomping around the room, attempting a tai chi set, or playing silly games on the computer. Something where you have to blast the living daylights out of something/someone....

Also - I just wanted to say, I saw your list of 3 things on the DBT thread and it's all great things. All I would say about the digging your nails into your arms when you want to punch/hurt yourself....I wouldn't worry about that one too much. Sure it would be nice to find something that doesn't hurt you, but it's a coping mechanism in it's own right. It's a good thing that you do something less damaging first.

Thank you guys! <3 I am impatient in EVERY way possible. I can't stand waiting for anything. I literally have a 30 second patience span and that is utterly pathetic. If I can't get in touch with someone on the phone I can only stay decent for 5 minutes until I'm a raging psychopath. I really want to change this. I wish it was a quicker process.

isoko- I am going to try your list of 10 things.. that's really helpful. I'm great a working things out after the fact.. I can do it very easily most of the time. If I could work it out as it happens life would be so much easier!! LOL!

Yea, I think using my nails is a better alternative and I rarely ever do it hard enough to leave any marks. It's something I can do without anyone noticing too.