I'm pathetic...

I'm really angry with myself right now. I had been doing good for almost three days. My anxiety was very mild which is rare. I had something bad happen yesterday. It's something that would upset a Non too. I dealt with it amazingly well. Today, I spent with my fiance as always but one he goes to work I always go to my friend's house. He's a father to me and has been the only consistent person in my life always. He rarely works so he's available whenever I need him. Well, today he worked. I always feel scared when he works because that means if I need him I can't go to his house and see him. Usually I breakdown a little throughout the day when he works. I hardly did today.. Until 4pm. It's always 4pm every time. I can't handle him not being readily available after that point. I held back the tears for as long asi could. Once it was time for my fiance to go to work I started crying. I can't stand being alone. At the same time, the only time I don't feel alone is when I'm with my fiance or my friend. Nobody else can fill that emptiness
I even have keys to my friend's house so I can still come here and wait for him. That's what I'm doing now. Once 4pm hit, I became very agitated and kept thinking about cutting myself. I discussed it with my fiance (all except the self-harming) and he told me it would all be okay and stuff but it didn't help me. The only thing that helps is my friend coming home. I think I'm realizing my attachment issue is worse than ever. I worry that my friend will never return or he'll die on the way home. I have very morbid thoughts most of the time. I do feel as though I CAN'T live without the only two people in my life that actually take care of me and understand me like no one ever could. I get called a psycho, a stalker, and a pain in the @$$ by people that don't understand. I really don't care and I laugh at their ignorance. I'm very OCD with my daily schedule and I feel broken when it changes. Sorry, I'm just kind of venting while I wait for my friend. It's better than crying. I just wish I could've done better today and not cried or panicked. I was better than I typically am. No matter how hard I try I'm overwhelmed with terror every single time.

You did your best and it seems like you did pretty well :3. You're working against your natural reactions and that takes bravery. I don't think you're pathetic. You're trying not to give in. .

I'm not sure how to build skills in dealing wtih schedule breaks or in dealing with ..I guess we could call it seperation anxiety. I'm sure you tried not thinking about it or something to distract you and it didn't quite help.

I think you need to learn to be alright with being alone. Not an easy thing for everyone to do.

It's good to vent and coming on here and typing about your problems is much better than cutting yourself anyhow. You made a good choice. Good job.

Yeah, you made a tremendous effort and you should be proud of that. You can't be perfect every time, all the time. I wish I had some magic tip to give, but I can say this: as long as you're trying, you're getting better, even if it's hard to see it at the time.

Thanks a lot guys. I guess I did do much better. I'm just really hard on myself. I want to be like everyone else and be unaffected by minor let downs. Maybe one day!!

Maybe one day. And you're welcome .

You coped really well; you didn't cut (and even if you did but feel bad admitting it on here, you at least argued with yourself before you did it, challenging it). You came on here and were able to explain very clearly how you were feeling and WHY you were feeling it. What you need to try and do now is REMEMBER that you coped well. Also, nothing bad happened because you were on your own. this is evidence for your "fact" versus "fiction" list. Your friend wasn't there, and of course you were panicky and upset because you were on your own, but you survived and you survived in pretty good shape.

Lilycat10 wrote:I held back the tears for as long asi could. Once it was time for my fiance to go to work I started crying. I can't stand being alone. At the same time, the only time I don't feel alone is when I'm with my fiance or my friend. Nobody else can fill that emptiness

perhaps your pain was not in vain, for it has taught me much.

thankyou for that.

Being alone is the hardest thing in the world for me. I totally relate, except that instead of cutting I turned to alcohol. And then all of my neediness spilled out, and made the loneliness worse by alienating and scaring away the people that were barely friends already. I wish I knew how to face being alone... right now I am relying on my ex... and when he isn't there I am online interacting with people or sleeping because I do not know how to deal with my thoughts.