Why do friends always leave?

Hi everyone,

I'm very worried about my daughter at the moment. There seems to be this pattern with friendships she makes... they are always the 'best friends she has ever had' and they think the world of her, but then, quite suddenly, without any warning, they seem to back away from her.

She has had a group of around 8 friends for a few months now (all quite a bit older than her), they were always texting and 'phoning her, asking if she wanted to go out and she was in her element. She was so happy that at last she had friends that wouldn't let her down and seemed to believe that they were TRUE friends.

Recently, they have all stopped asking her to go out, stopped calling her and they don't even return her texts. She has found out that they have all gone for nights out and not invited her, even when she's asked if they are going out.

Of course, she's gutted... and so am I. But this isn't the first time it's happened, it seems to be a regular pattern and she can't understand what she's done to deserve this rejection.

I think it may be that she has self harmed very badly recently, on a few occasions, and that they are sick of her 'dramatics'...(perhaps that's the way they view it)??

She's now left with no-one again. I want to throttle these 'friends' ... how can they do that to her?

Has anyone experienced similar. Is this typical of people with BPD?

Thanks to anyone who can help.

The way it seems to me, borderlines are missing a certain warmness and social connection that everyone else has. We're kind of unlikable. Not unlovable. We're hard to love, but lovable, none the less. These friends don't love her like you do. Once they got to know her, they didn't like her. It's part of the story of my life. I'm different. She's different. It's a constant social struggle. The only hope I have is getting back in touch with myself so the few people who will like me can actually get to know me and my social potential can be met.

MrEmMak wrote:The way it seems to me, borderlines are missing a certain warmness and social connection that everyone else has. We're kind of unlikable. Not unlovable. We're hard to love, but lovable, none the less. These friends don't love her like you do. Once they got to know her, they didn't like her. It's part of the story of my life. I'm different. She's different. It's a constant social struggle. The only hope I have is getting back in touch with myself so the few people who will like me can actually get to know me and my social potential can be met.

Oh MrEmMak, that's so sad!

I'm sorry for you, as I'm sorry for my daughter too. My daughter is so funny and witty, but yes, I have to admit that she is like marmite... you'd either love her or hate her. I even find it hard to love her myself at times... of course I LOVE her, but sometimes she irritates me, the way she moans on about her aches and pains, and her attention seeking behaviour.

I feel so bad for her - it breaks my heart and I worry that she will harm herself again...

Tomorrow, she is having a pot removed from her arm. I haven't even seen the damage yet, but three weeks ago she cut herself so badly that she severed an artery and tendons. She also has another cut on her other arm which was so deep that the bone was showing.

What will she do when she realises her friends have all left her?

This is always the pattern with me too. Are you sure SHE isn't initiating this. The reason I say this is because of my own experience. After having a friend for awhile.. I start to devalue them & hate them and everything they do. I will still see them and stuff but I know very well that I give off an awful vibe and they can sense it. I change from caring about them to ignoring and not paying attention to what they say. The smart ones will start to pull away and ignore.. Therefor, I can go around bashing them for that and let everyone know they ditched me. Also known as.. Playing the victim. Then everyone feels bad for me and I get the attention I want. The stupid ones.. They'll stick around until I start ignoring their calls and messages. In these cases, even seeing their name annoys me. I'm always sure to let everyone know that they won't leave me alone and that they're obsessed with me.

Of course, your daughters friends could be tired of her drama. On the other hand, she may have pushed them away first.

I tried to be brutally honest with what I've said. I realized what I do a few months ago. I'm trying to steer clear of having friends because I will just end up hating them. So the less people I hurt, the better. I hope nobody takes offense to anything I've said.. I sure don't mean it that way.

I'm afraid to even give advice here because she's in such a tough spot.

For me, the hardest thing to admit was that I'm different and hard to like. I really don't know if this is a wise thing to say to somebody in as tough of condition as she is, but if you told her you believe everyone is created a little differently, that most people feel and act almost like everyone else, but some people are really different and it's nearly impossible for everyone else to understand them. It's really hard to be one of those "different" people, but once they realize it's ok, it becomes a little easier and there are people out there who understand them.

Also, something that has really helped me is a belief in god. Just believing there is a force that loves me no matter what, I can close my eyes any time and self sooth with that. It might be the biggest reason I'm starting to do better.

Lilycat,

That's where I'm at too. I think there is a social warmth/connection that people feel that is lasting and grows with time. We know we're missing it (feel empty) and we search for it (desperately search for acceptance and approval) but when we're in the moment, it's just absent. I think the reason you (and me) are rude, cold and distant is because we really don't care. We care a lot when they leave, but there is nothing enjoyable about being there, so we're just flat out distant. People sense that, hence we're unlikeable. You say, "I act rude and distant", but the reality is that you are distant. That part is not an act. It's not learned behavior. I think it's who I am and who most borderlines are.

If my family life falls apart, I want to spend the rest of my life in solitude, saving every penny until I die, at which point I will give all of my money to my wife and kids (she's still my wife, but in this nightmare, she left me.) I have very little hope to be social right now, but I want to do something good for somebody.

Lilycat10 wrote:This is always the pattern with me too. Are you sure SHE isn't initiating this. The reason I say this is because of my own experience. After having a friend for awhile.. I start to devalue them & hate them and everything they do. I will still see them and stuff but I know very well that I give off an awful vibe and they can sense it. I change from caring about them to ignoring and not paying attention to what they say. The smart ones will start to pull away and ignore.. Therefor, I can go around bashing them for that and let everyone know they ditched me. Also known as.. Playing the victim. Then everyone feels bad for me and I get the attention I want. The stupid ones.. They'll stick around until I start ignoring their calls and messages. In these cases, even seeing their name annoys me. I'm always sure to let everyone know that they won't leave me alone and that they're obsessed with me.

Of course, your daughters friends could be tired of her drama. On the other hand, she may have pushed them away first.

I tried to be brutally honest with what I've said. I realized what I do a few months ago. I'm trying to steer clear of having friends because I will just end up hating them. So the less people I hurt, the better. I hope nobody takes offense to anything I've said.. I sure don't mean it that way.

Hi Lilycat...

I'm certain she doesn't initiate this... she adores them all and tries so hard to fit in (which must be difficult when most of them are in their 30's/40's and she's only 18). She's always telling me how they look after her and that they say she's so funny and they love her company. On the odd occasion that someone's upset her, she of course de-values them and says she hates them; but as soon as an apology is made, everything's hunky dory again. I think they initially felt sorry for her and wanted to protect her because she is a self-harmer and is so vulnerable. But, the way I see it is, perhaps she's become too needy of them and relies on them too much (most of them have children/partners, etc., to consider) she was even calling one of her friends 'Mam'. Of course I was quite hurt by this.... and I don't know how her friend re-acted to it. She also 'plays the victim' too, but in a different way... she tells lies about things and makes people feel sorry for her... but there's only so much whining people can take, I guess.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this too... and to have to choose NOT to have friends to avoid it happening, must be so hard for you.

Thank you for your honesty, Lilycat... you have been so helpful in what you have said.

best wishes x x

Yes, that's exactly it! I really don't care what's going on in a friends life because it doesn't affect me. I fake sympathy but I think it's obvious when I immediately change the subject to something I care about. I don't do it intentionally, it just sort of happens.

MrEmMak wrote:I'm afraid to even give advice here because she's in such a tough spot.

For me, the hardest thing to admit was that I'm different and hard to like. I really don't know if this is a wise thing to say to somebody in as tough of condition as she is, but if you told her you believe everyone is created a little differently, that most people feel and act almost like everyone else, but some people are really different and it's nearly impossible for everyone else to understand them. It's really hard to be one of those "different" people, but once they realize it's ok, it becomes a little easier and there are people out there who understand them.

Also, something that has really helped me is a belief in god. Just believing there is a force that loves me no matter what, I can close my eyes any time and self sooth with that. It might be the biggest reason I'm starting to do better.

I DO try to remind her of the pattern that always seems to emerge, but it's so hard to do that without hurting her feelings, even more than she's already hurting. I tend to blame it on BPD and NOT her. She has read up on BPD and knows this is quite common with BPD sufferers, but that's no help to her, when she truly believes she has friends for life and all of a sudden, they just disappear when they seemed to care for her so much! I have to be very careful, she is on the edge and I suspect that she WILL harm herself in the next few days... so I'm kind of walking on egg shells at the moment.

She was sexually abused last Friday by an old school 'friend' (he bullied her right through school).... the Police are involved, but there is little evidence. So she is also in a state about that too.

miss_understood wrote:I think it may be that she has self harmed very badly recently, on a few occasions, and that they are sick of her 'dramatics'...(perhaps that's the way they view it)??

My ex self-harmed. I was under the impression that she'd quit before we married. She came from the bathroom one night as we were going to bed and informed me she'd self-harmed and I said I felt lied to and betrayed. She said she didn't think I had a problem with it. I said that I didn't have a problem with it when I thought you were no longer doing it.

No offense to any self-harmers--I know I'm probably in the minority and I'm not judging you. BPD effects us all in different ways and we self-destruct in different ways. But to someone who doesn't self-harm, self-harming alone will make people run.

I wouldn't have been able to continue our marriage if she'd continued. I couldn't deal with it. I told her she'd have to stop. It took her a while, and I heard screeches occasionally while she had the shower on but I mostly let it alone but would probe on occasion. But hey, she doesn't self-harm anymore and since she stopped has absolutely no desire to anymore. So, it kinda worked out. I even got her to eat and stop being anorexic (no doubt it is still latent in her but she can fight it now). No I did not do it in a controlling manner; none of it.

But yes, miss_understood, someone self-harming will make people take off in a heartbeat. I couldn't deal with being around it. As a husband who loved her; I stayed and said she'd have to stop and I'd be willing to help her in anyway possible. She wasn't exactly happy about it but she worked on stopping and I was true to my word and helped her along the way in anyway she asked. As just friends, it's easy for them to just ditch your daughter. But put yourself in their shoes.

Similarly to my wife, these days if I had a close friend I wouldn't leave them for self-injuring. I've grown to only make very close friendships and not a lot of more superficial ones (not that there's anything wrong the the latter, necessarily). These days if they were close and only a friend I probably wouldn't even bring it up let alone pester them about it. That probably has something to do with my understanding of it through understanding BPD. I would; however, ask that they respect me by not even talking to me about it (unless it was as they were trying to stop, fight it or were distraught over it--I'd listen, and would even try to help if they wanted) and not letting me see it, and certainly not to do it around me. It wouldn't be that I don't care about them.

Some people don't realize that the littlest things about BPD will make people run a mile, while some of the more major ones people will be willing to put up with.