Male Borderlines

I am male, in my early 20s and I have BPD. I have had most of the symptoms in the DSM criteria since I was twelve or thirteen and it has been chronic ever since. I saw therapists for a few years, then saw my first psychiatrist when I was fifteen. My original misdiagnosis was Bipolar Disorder and I got nothing but meds for it, which did not help. My illness got worse once I graduated from high school and after that I got diagnosed "Antisocial Personality Disorder with Borderline Personality Features", which I felt was an unfair diagnosis. The mental health system seems so obsessed with women having BPD that they refuse to diagnosis it in men I think. It doesn't make sense to me. Finally, when I saw a new psychiatrist this year back in February I got a full hour long evaluation and this time they diagnosed me as Borderline Personality Disorder. It's been a maze of new doctors, specialists, therapists, tons of medications that do nothing for me and no one was willing to treat me because they all assumed I was antisocial.

I am writing this post for other male borderlines. Did you get misdiagnosed a bunch of times before people finally realized the obvious? Also, what labels did they give you at first? From experience, I am guessing men with BPD get diagnosed either as Bipolar or Antisocial, but maybe that was just me? I am not currently in treatment now, I am just receiving medications that do not help with my moodiness, anger, and impulsiveness and they definitely don't help my relationship problems or my identity problems. Are there any published studies about BPD in men? Also, do you ever notice that you seem to be attracted to borderline women? Most of my serious relationships were with girls who either had been diagnosed with BPD or they had most of the behaviors, including self mutilation, I think it's strange but I gravitate towards girls like that.

I'm 32 and didn't get diagnosed until less than a year ago. It was bleeding obvious I had BPD--but what you say is true, doctors see men and they'd don't even think to look for BPD. It's sexist and it pisses me off. We aren't all that rare, actually. It's a ratio of 75% women and 25% men. Sure, that makes us a minority. But I'd say one quarter is a fairly sizable minority, wouldn't you? I got diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorders at 20, and then misdiagnosed as BP II around 25. They thought they'd found the missing link, as did I, until I came to realize I was nothing like a Bipolar individual. Those with purely depression or bipolar didn't act like me--not out in the real world or on forums. I basically got shunned. Here though, surprise surprise, I can recognize something of myself in even single person here. It's rare I that I see someone that I don't relate to and I'm not shunned as most are likely seeing something of themselves in my behavior.

And yes, male borderlines getting diagnosed as antisocial is incredibly common. It's as common as both males and females getting misdiagnosed as BP II. It is a common enough occurrence though for people to have both BP II and BPD though. BPD is believed these days to be related to BP type II and epilepsy. Just, the way the system runs doctors prefer to trash one DX and favor another which is idiotic and in neither their favor or the patients. I think they're lazy or un-knowledgeable.

I was given meds for Bipolar type II but unlike you, coincidentally I stumbled across one that did work--that is, Lamictal. I came across it as I tried and fought the hell for years, both to find a med that works, and to survive. I tried it all. I came to find out later that Lamictal is among the front line treatments for BPD if not the front line treatment. Funny how things work sometimes, eh? It didn't help though as if I'd been diagnosed correctly and gotten Lamictal, I could have began figuring myself out 7 years ago, or 16 years ago for that matter. I perhaps could have been seeing a psychologist, and could have been getting CBT. But merely know about it would have helped me a great deal by now, as having only been diagnosed a year ago I have begun to make rapid improvements. Largely from my own study and understanding of myself --why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I do-- as well as from this forum. I could have sought out others like myself a long time ago.

I don't think about it much though--as since I was in the US at the time there was a snowballs chance in hell of me being diagnosed properly, and even if I had been I know I wouldn't have got any therapy of any sort for it. See, it went from disabling me mentally, to crippling and all but destroying me mentally. So, with a long of effort and way too much time I ended up on disability and got very crappy state-run heath care. The state wouldn't have paid for it, and my family wouldn't have...

So while I don't think 'what if', I am instead pissed the ###$ off about it. Surely the worlds super power wouldn't be in the dark ages in regards to both mental illness and health care! No, surely not...

As far as me being drawn to BPD women, yes. It doesn't have to be romantically but it has often been the case. I've been simply good friends with some--and no, not as something was stopping me from making it something more. It was just better left that way.

Anyway,

I think the simple question for us both as to why--is that we understand them; and we know they immediately understand us. Yeah, the relationships more often than not end up as a train wreck but the ride is awesome (dare I say ecstasy) while it lasts--at least in the earlier stages. Some people will tell you it can never work between two borderlines but I'm not convinced. I think two borderlines who are aware of it and work hard together in the relationship it can work.

What better partner than one who understands our behavior completely and doesn't bat an eyelid at it? I don't mean working together on each others BPD --not on does the create co-dependency but both will end up making each other worse-- but rather avoiding and work past, around and through its inevitable interference and clashing in said relationship. Also, both he and she at least he or she talking to a psychologist on a regular basis--I don't like the impression I get of DBT, and I'm not totally convinced on CBT either. Basically, I don't think there's a cure and searching for one will just make us tools. CBT takes a more logical approach and seems to focus more on mechanics. I want my emotions left alone for me to sort out, using mechanics to aid in that. We're all different though so w/e.

But yes,

The relationship will be a bit chaotic--but hey, aren't we, our emotions and our lives already chaotic? I also feel if I could find a girl with BPD who is serious about a committed relationship, she'd be less likely to leave--I believe. Also, there's no way in ###$ I'm going to have some girl think of herself as the 'healthy' one (like some martyr) with the mentally ill partner (nor will I have her friends and family thinking of the relationship in the regard), never mind the idea of them being the 'stronger' one.

Pfft, stronger one... HA!

Edit: Oh, let me grab you some links. I don't mind as we BPD 'minorities' have to look out for each other, yeah? lol

Peace

I'm glad you agree, it seems like every girl I've ever had a serious relationship with has turned out to be borderline herself, and neither of us had any idea about the other when we first met. It's very weird, and you're right, the early stages of the relationship are amazing! I'm always the one who gets dumped. After the girl tells me all about how her biggest fear is abandonment and I agree with her, months later she abandons me without any warning or explanation whatsoever, and they never speak to me again. It always happens, and I'm always surprised every time it happens. It always causes me relapses because when I'm in a relationship I rapidly improve. What a shame...

Absolutely 25% is a very large minority. That's one in every four people so it's amazing that it took you all those years to get diagnosed as BPD. It took me less time so I'm thankful but I'm still not in treatment. I just get a bunch of sedative or mood stabilizing meds every month and last time I was in talk therapy, my therapist basically told me they didn't specialize in people like me so they washed their hands of me and kicked me out. It's happened several times now. I would like to do DBT if it is even available. I'm assuming it was designed for females with BPD but if they do it for men too I would be all over it, definitely willing to try it.

These are great--as a start:

http://borderlinepersonality.ca/bpdparent3.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sto ... sdiagnosed

Thanks for the links! I just read them both,they make a lot of sense to me. I didn't realize there were stories about men with BPD but whenever I researched the illness on my own I always thought "that's me". What's your favorite book on the subject? Mine is "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me".

ajrocker8 wrote:I'm glad you agree, it seems like every girl I've ever had a serious relationship with has turned out to be borderline herself, and neither of us had any idea about the other when we first met. It's very weird, and you're right, the early stages of the relationship are amazing! I'm always the one who gets dumped. After the girl tells me all about how her biggest fear is abandonment and I agree with her, months later she abandons me without any warning or explanation whatsoever, and they never speak to me again. It always happens, and I'm always surprised every time it happens. It always causes me relapses because when I'm in a relationship I rapidly improve. What a shame...

Tell me about it. I'd tried to off myself twice albeit sort of halfheartedly. I was serious, but still. If and when the third time came around, I wasn't going to mess around with pills, if you know what I mean. Finding Lamictal coincided with me finding my recent ex which sent me up hill. But our separation coincided with me find out I was BPD; again, funny how things work, isn't it? Or should that be, funny how things work for me. I will find someone new, and in the meantime I'll have flings and one night stands... perhaps even f*** buddies. I'll drink a bit as well; but keep it under control. I wont very well find someone if I'm drinking up a storm now, will I? I know I'll be able to taper down the drinking back to once a week as what I really want is... someone.

What I really want to find once I get over my ex and spend a bit of time alone is a serious relationship.

I'll survive...

Suicide left my mind long ago. It's no longer an option. Defeat nor surrender are options... something changed in me.

ajrocker8 wrote:Absolutely 25% is a very large minority. That's one in every four people so it's amazing that it took you all those years to get diagnosed as BPD. It took me less time so I'm thankful but I'm still not in treatment. I just get a bunch of sedative or mood stabilizing meds every month and last time I was in talk therapy, my therapist basically told me they didn't specialize in people like me so they washed their hands of me and kicked me out. It's happened several times now. I would like to do DBT if it is even available. I'm assuming it was designed for females with BPD but if they do it for men too I would be all over it, definitely willing to try it.

Yes, you'll likely find yourself surrounded by women. But if you're anything like most BPD men, you'll relate as well as get along with them very easily, and you'll find yourself comfortable with it I'm pretty sure. You'll find they'll very quickly accept you as 'one of them', for a lack of a better word. I don't mean they will see you as a woman, you know what I mean I'm sure...

I'm actually not even sure what that's all about...

As far as meds, both of the ones I'm on could be considered sedating and I'm on a very high dose of both. 200mgs of Lamictal and 3mgs of Klonopin a day. They both work wonders for me. For those they work for, they really for. For those that they don't work really well for, they tend to flat out suck for them. There seems to be little middle ground.

Peace

Lamictal is a mood stabilizer, right? The newest med I've been on is Depakote, which is a mood stabilizer. My new doctor said it's good for people with mood lability problems and since I've started it I've noticed that I still have mood swings and get angry all the time but I'm able to not express them as intensely. It's like being more "chilled out", despite the emotions flying around in my head. I think Depakote has turned out to be good for me in this regard, but so far it's the only medicine that has had helped with mood swings, so that is one positive development for me.

I haven't drank at all since I started Depakote but I have a very strong urge to. For the past two years I drank all the time thinking it would make me happier but in the long run drinking makes everything worse. If you still drink it will probably make your meds unaffective.

ajrocker8 wrote:What's your favorite book on the subject? Mine is "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me".

I'd have to say "Sometimes I Act Crazy" is mine.

But honestly, I prefer to read clinical literature on it...

I especially hate $#%^ written for family and friends. There are only two people in my life who know. Also, if they get some insight into my tricks, I'll have to work that much harder to use them--if I decide to. They wouldn't have me though, I'd just change them up and cycle them with a faster frequency .. as I said, just more work. I've gotten so used to the edge, and using it as a tool for survival and getting not want I want--but what I need. People who were dealt a more even genetic hand have them, so why the hell shouldn't I? I'm a firm believer in "You've got to play the hand you're dealt." I went undiagnosed for so long...

There are some things I want to change for sure; but I want to change what I want to change, and how I want to change it. I certainly want to be able to not be so wrong towards people I love and/or care about... that's the only absolute. I've made progress there on my own. I want to treat those I love right. It's as the old saying goes "Kill your enemies; save your friends." I don't see myself ever fully parting with that. I don't know if I want to.

But yes, family and friends learning too much about it would be detrimental to me I feel. Somethings are better left unsaid. I don't want to be "the BPD guy" I've got a goddamn name.

ajrocker8 wrote:Lamictal is a mood stabilizer, right?

It's the newest mood stabilizer, yes.

ajrocker8 wrote:The newest med I've been on is Depakote, which is a mood stabilizer. My new doctor said it's good for people with mood lability problems and since I've started it I've noticed that I still have mood swings and get angry all the time but I'm able to not express them as intensely. It's like being more "chilled out", despite the emotions flying around in my head. I think Depakote has turned out to be good for me in this regard, but so far it's the only medicine that has had helped with mood swings, so that is one positive development for me.

If it's working out for you great. But in general Lamictal is pretty well accepted to be the best for BPD. Just Google Lamictal + BPD. The thing about Lamictal, is it actually has a slight energizing effect while chilling you out at the same time. But use whatever works for you, yeah.

ajrocker8 wrote:I haven't drank at all since I started Depakote but I have a very strong urge to. For the past two years I drank all the time thinking it would make me happier but in the long run drinking makes everything worse. If you still drink it will probably make your meds unaffective.

Personally it doesn't make mine unaffected. It DID; however, make antidepressants I've been on unaffected. There's a difference between being a drinker and being an alcoholic. Others can enjoy a drink, why shouldn't I live as I chose as well? But that's me--do what works for you.

But yeah, I drank for 3 straight years. I'm not going back there. The reason I believe is that I quit drinking at 16 and 'rediscovered' it at 25,.. so I went overboard. It seemed to act as a tonic for so many of my problems; but towards the end I was deteriorating fast. Not going back there.

Yeah your diagnosis should just be an illness you have. It's not who you are. My family doesn't know or even understand, and they don't want to either. I've only told a few friends who know me very well and one or two family members who are empathic towards me, but it's not something I would normally go around talking about, unless it's with other people who have the same problems.